My boyf (33m) and I (31f) have been together for around 18 months. We’ve had our ups and downs but we largely are doing well.
His mum has always been a bit of strange character. She’s a bit of a social recluse (doesn’t work or leave the house – the latter due to ill health but she could get a mobility scooter). Her partner has to do pretty much everything for her.
On Christmas Eve my boyfriend told me he was going to hers for the evening. At first I thought it was just to say hello but then I learned it was for dinner. When he said his brother and his gf and him were going “So I am not invited then?” He said no, but he will explain later. I told him it was really hurtful to be excluded from his family Christmas dinner and left him to it and said I will not be meeting his friends later as we had planned.
An hour later he showed up a bit distraught that I was upset. I again reiterated that it is very hurtful to be excluded from his family Christmas and asked why. He said she told him that she won’t have me in her house due to the fact I was playing on the phone when I went to hers on an occasion, rather than speaking to her. I was dumbfounded. I got upset and he said he doesn’t know what to do and has begged her to try again but she will not have it. He said he didn’t want to tell me because he know how much it would hurt me due to the fact I’ve lost both my parents already.
The week after they fell out for a couple of weeks due to the fact he left the dinner early to come and speak to me. Now they are speaking again though and he visits her every weekend, and sometimes in the week. When he mentions her I get a bit triggered because I lost my own mum and dad. Every Saturday morning he take his son to hers and I feel really hurt that i’m missing out and will be for Birthday, Christmases etc. He said he can’t make her change her mind and doesn’t want to stop seeing her.
His communication skills around this were terrible and I told him he should have come to me and been honest rather than waiting for me to find out.
Do I stay or leave this man over this? Will I eventually feel less hurt over my partners shitty family members? Or will I become resentment?
TL;DR – My boyfs mum hates me and has banned me from her house and any celebration there because I was on my phone when I was at her house, I think? She won’t change her mind. My Boyf sees her a couple times a week and it triggers me as I lost my own mum and dad. I don’t know if I can handle being excluded from the family for the rest of my life – do I stay or leave?
4 comments
You’ve been dating for less than two years so I don’t think it is unusual not to be included in family events. Of course, that is complicated by the fact that his mother was so offended by your prior behavior that she has chosen to exclude you – but nonetheless it is not unusual not to join him for all of these occasions.
The Christmas story has me concerned in a few ways. First, your plans seem very vague and unusual from my perspective. If I understand correctly, you thought he was dropping by his parents’ house and then going out with friends in an outing that would include you. His plan was to have dinner with his family but then leave and join you with a group of friends. Do I understand correctly?
Then what happened was he left his family’s Christmas celebration because you were angry that you were not invited?
Have you written about this before because it sounds vaguely familiar?
Also, when thinking about future celebrations, it will be healthier to think about how you want to celebrate them. If his family hosts a birthday dinner for him and doesn’t invite you, wouldn’t you simply plan your own birthday celebration for him in addition to theirs?
He’s not going to change and his Mom will become bigger in his world because she sees you as a threat to her relationship.
I wouldn’t stick around, she will torpedo all of his relationships so she can remain his OTP.
If you’re not up for being excluded by his mom for the rest of her life, then this is not the relationship for you.
I don’t really see that he’s done anything wrong. Maybe he didn’t tell you in the best way but now it’s out there and he’s stated his boundaries. For me this would be a small thing I’d get over quickly, but, that’s likely because my parents are alive and flawed and because of the way they are I completely understand the stance of “they’re being flawed and ridiculous but I’m just going to acknowledge their limitations while continuing to have a relationship with them.” Especially if he doesn’t “choose her” over you in other ways then I’d be sad but understanding. (I’m not saying that he is choosing her over you in this instance, I don’t think he is).
It sounds like she’s mentally ill so you shouldn’t take her disliking you personally, or expect her to ever realise she’s being ridiculous and reverse her stance.
If it’s enough for you to want to break up then no one can stop you and that’s legitimate. To me it seems like a pretty minor, if disappointing, thing though.