I (26f) have discovered that my husband (28m) follows half naked girls on instagram. Now normally something like this wouldn’t be too bothersome for me except that he deleted his active instagram years ago because he “hates social media” but then created this sort of throwaway one that I kind of knew about a couple years back. He never really used it and he never really gave me a reason to check on it. He has like 2 followers and follows like 30 people.
Now some context as to why I need to know if I am even allowed to be upset hence why I’m on this forum. I cheated about 18mo ago. We were at a very low point in our marriage and I made an impulsive decision that forever changed me, my husband, and our marriage. For years before this he would follow girls on instagram or add them on Facebook, stay in communication with ex’s, and browse tinder. Now I’m not telling you this to make myself look good or say that “I’m justified in cheating” because I know I’m not and I’m just as much to blame here. It’s purely contextual. A little while after my infidelity (roughly 6mo later) I had found my husband back on dating apps like tinder and bumble talking to women. I told him that this hurt me and if he really wanted to move forward in our relationship that this cannot continue happening. He told me it was like a “coping strategy” because of my infidelity and he would find a better way to work through his feelings.
Now we have been working through things and have gotten to what seemed like a good place. Tonight I was helping him work through some technical issues on his phone and an instagram notification popped up. I don’t normally pay any mind to these but the user had a handle for the area we live in. This surprised me as we just moved to the area and don’t know anyone. The woman is very obviously beautiful and put in her bio that she’s single and bartends in the area. I didn’t see any communication between the two of them, but it still made me nervous because she’s a local and neither of us go out. This kind of made me spiral and so I checked who else he is following and low and behold it’s a lot of OF influencer type accounts and I even stumbled on not one but two different accounts of his ex gf. One is your typical instagram and the other is her half naked promoting herself. To make matters worse I’m the only account blocked from his instagram.
I just don’t know what to do. Am I being crazy and taking this too far? Is there too much damage at this point? Is my marriage over? We have gone through so much and I was really hoping we were moving forward. I could really use an unbiased opinion at this point.
5 comments
So you cheated…and now you think your HUSBAND has violated your marriage…by looking at pictures?
Please divorce this guy so he can find someone who isn’t a complete narcissist. My god.
I think probably the best way forward would be for both of you to go I to therapy both separately and do couples therapy together. Nobody here would know really what’s best for you to do. Was cheating defined at all for you guys and agreed to?
He needs to forgive. You need to forgive yourself.
You both need to stop seeking validation outside the marriage. If this doesn’t stop, then yes your marriage is over.
Your marriage may not be over but you’re in a tough spot created by the cheating. This may be his extended version of the freebie you owe him. It’s been 8 years though, right? By now, if this is how it’s gonna be, it may mean tension and arguably exused secrecy will continue. If I were you, at this point, I’d come out and ask him if he wants to cheat. If this would end this behavior. Not to say you’d allow it, but it might make him face the reality and let it go and/or move on.
Well, one thing at a time:
You’re probably asking the wrong question. We don’t have “rights” to feelings. We just have them.
Understanding them is essential though. So let’s unpack.
Thirst traps work when people are thirsty. Your husband has plenty of reason to be thirsty. Porn and its slightly more emotionally involved sister, The Social Media Thirst Trap, provide illusions of intimacy that help to keep loneliness at bay.
You must know that cheating was always going to have repercussions into his self-esteem and inner life.
But that doesn’t mean it’s his best strategy. It isn’t, and especially if his goal is to honestly face with you why your marriage has several layers of problems. It’s an inability to talk about those problems and address them that left you thirsty, and now the same thing is leaving him thirsty.
It’s not enough that you discuss. Those discussions have to build bridges of good will between both partners: real intimacy.
If that good will is all spent, the relationship is done. If not, you both need to discuss again, “What’s our end goal here, and how can we both best cope with the thirst?”