I am a 42 yr old male and for all practical purposes I am single. However I do see and speak to my children’s mother daily, and though we have been living separately and single for 5 years, we have had multi-month stretches of dating each-other, or sometimes just one off dates.
She has had a very difficult life, and suprised herself, me, and her whole family, by giving me her complete trust. The relationship ended because, during a period where she had prolonged, life-threatening health issues, I emotionally shutting down, and broke her trust in me.
She and her therapist determined that being emotionally invested and trusting in one individual was not something she should do again. It was apparetntl the way she lived prior to our meeting actually. So over the past 5 years, other than one 8 month stretch with me, she has always had more than person she is casually dating. She keeps these as FWB situations and generally breaks it off if she starts feeling attached.
Recently she has been suggesting that she wants to “hang out” together again after a long hiatus, but reminded me that because she still loves me, she sees me as dangerous, and she absolutley needs to stay actively involved with others .
She took it a step further this time though. She knows when she sees others I get sad, jealous, and scared of losing her completely (and fear is my most negative motivation) and knows it is because I love her as well. So she wants me to try casually dating at least two other people at the same time before we see eachother, and see other people while seeing her. She thinks it will help with the hurt and jealousy as well as teach me to enjoy the present more and fear loss less…
I have never tried anything like this. I have not even dated in 12 years, and when I did it was always one person. I have had one date last weekend, and I was totally up front about everything… the date went well, there was a ton of chemistry, and we are going out again next weekend, but she is hesitant because ultimately she wants something more committed than a FWB, which I understand but can not give.
I honestly have not seen anyone but my kid’s mom for the past 5 years we have been single because of that very thing… I don’t feel I can commit to anyone because I still feel a commitment to her and will take every opportunity she offers to be close.
TL;DR In short I have no idea how to proceed, or form casual intimate relationships. This is not even really ENM and I really have not been able to find and published that fits. I guess this is very vague, but how do I navigate this… how do I explain it to prospective “friends”,etc?
7 comments
Been there. It’s really tough to navigate, so trust me when I say you’re not alone!! In all honesty, after you give it the ol’ “college try”, if you find it’s just not for you, that’s completely fine. There’s nothing wrong with being up-front with your children’s mother, and there’s nothing wrong with not liking poly-type relationships! It’s just not for some people.
Having strong communication will be your best tool. Try casual dating apps (maybe check out FetLife), chat with open people on Reddit, go on dates, and just take it one step at a time.
Ultimately, don’t abandon your personal morals, and be true to yourself.
Much love from a former poly lady! Keep your chin up! ❤️
I’m sure this is exactly the opposite of the kind of advice you want to hear, but I do think it’s something you need to consider in looking at the bigger picture here.
There’s nothing morally or ethically wrong with a situation where you are separated from but still dating the mother of your kids and also have secondary casual partners on the side if you are honest with everyone and they agree to it, but I don’t think you’ll disagree that dating you in that situation is much more complicated compared to dating most other men on the dating market. I think you will find that there are very few women who are interested in playing the role of the secondary partner(s) in the contemplated situation, and it’s going to take a shitload of time, effort, and rejection to find those who are out there.
A much less complicated situation, and one that many more women would be interested in being a part of, would be dating a single dad who has a friendly and platonic relationship with his ex. My advice to you would be to consider going down that road rather than the one you’re trying to go down now.
Why are you trying to change how you are/ what you actually want in a relationship for this person who will never be with just you?
Man, you lost her a long time ago because of your choice to pull away and not support her. Let her be happy away from you.
How do your kids generally cope with these on-again stretches of dating? Because my first thought here is that you have a really good thing going here being on decent terms with your coparent, and the #1 priority has to be not to fuck that up in any way that could make anything harder for your kids.
But if you’ve been able to so far manage this without the kids being aware, or having any hopes/expectations around their parents potentially getting back together, then okay. Do what you’re doing – go on some casual dates, with people you are up front with that you are only looking for nonmonogamy and that you are also dating your coparent. Frankly, I don’t think you’re going to get a lot of takers on that, but in the process you’ll learn more about how to navigate this situation and maybe eventually you’ll find some partners up for your situation. Or maybe you’ll meet someone you like enough to let the dream of your ex go. Either would be a win.
I’m extremely suspicious that a therapist recommended to her that she not trust or rely on people…
Dude this is superbly unhealthy, but more importantly probably really fucking confusing and weird for your kids. Be a parent and focus on having a co-parenting relationship that is healthy and not this hot mess. Time to move on and try finding a new person to put this energy into. Your ex doesn’t want to be in a relationship, she’s going to keep seeing other men and this won’t end happily. Seriously think about what this offers for you in the future, so you want to be in your 50s still single and occasionally hooking up with your ex? Or do you want to be in a healthy relationship with someone who is emotionally and physically accessible in a consistent and healthy way?