Throwaway account for obvious reasons.
I’m just going to go ahead and take responsibility for my actions and not explain all the details. My husband isn’t perfect either (though a better person than I) and sometimes it seems like he will purposefully push me over a metaphorical cliff. But at the end of the day, he doesn’t deserve the emotional and sometimes physical abuse I dole out.
This issue came to a head last night. I thought my husband was going to do something dumb and dangerous. I told him it was a bad idea and to just not do it. He said he was going to do it anyway. I lost my mind.
I called him names and I hit him with a mop that was nearby when he blocked my access to leave the house. Then I stormed off and didn’t communicate for several hours while out of the house, coming back late at night.
I recognize this behavior is not acceptable. I do love my husband but obviously I have my own issues and it’s not right for me to take things to another level and out on him.
My problem lies in the fact that thus far two therapists in my town legitimately told me in that he deserves it (based on prior experiences not last night) which serves to make me confused and also doesn’t help my anger issues. And all of the anger management and batterers intervention courses in my town are for, and labelled as men only, nothing for both sexes or just women.
Google isn’t really providing me useful information for how to help myself so I can stop behaving this way. And obviously I would just stop if I knew how but it’s not like that’s worked for me thus far. I’ll go months without an episode like this and then I’m triggered by something and it happens. Again, this is my problem not his and I really want to do the work to fix it but I’m left with no blueprint as to how.
My husband won’t leave me, I am trying to separate for his sake at this point so I can work on myself and then if we get back together and can be in a not toxic relationship because I do the work needed to change and maintain that change than great! And if he realizes he’s better off without me, well I can’t say I didn’t understand.
Trying to find help that doesn’t involve the court system. Turning myself into the police is not an option since I would lose my job and I don’t see how being jobless and without insurance would help me other then to make me realize I’m an abuser that needs to make changes and be held accountable …but I already understand that.
Anyone have suggestions? Ideas?
Experiences with situations like this that end with the relationship being made healthy from an abusive one? How did that abusive partner make the changes necessary and what were they?
TL;DR: I need resources to help me work on myself and stop being an abusive wife because there’s nothing for me in my town and I’m struggling to find help even online.
9 comments
You’re not going to find a batterers intervention group for women. I think your best bet is online therapy, being very specific that you are looking for anger management and that kind of thing.
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If you want to learn about how abusers can change and what that requires, I recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft which is available free online. It is VERY MUCH framed as male perpetrator and a female victim, but imo he recognizes reasonably well upfront that it can be any set of genders and that he frames it this way in his book because he’s pulling from real-life experiences with his practice treating abusive men. He goes into quite a lot of detail about what a successful recovery from abuse takes.
Google Anger Management Courses Online.
That’s what the courts likely would do… send you to anger management courses (in addition to a criminal record).
For what it’s worth – you are always still going to get angry. Anger is a normal and healthy emotion sometimes. It’s what you do about it and how you handle it that makes the difference.
For example, you said you did 3 things
– you called him names
– you grabbed a mop and hit him with it
– you went away to calm down and came back later
You need to learn how to skip 1 and 2 and go right to 3. Walking away is a perfectly reasonable and healthy solution.
You will likely learn what some of your triggers are (so that you can handle it sooner) and develop other coping mechanisms (like walking away) that you can turn to when you are angry.
You won’t eliminate the anger. You will just learn to manage it better.
You need to at least take a break (from your relationship), as well as enter couples and individual therapy. Look for therapists in your country/state that are willing to meet virtually and specialize in anger management issues. You can search for one on the website Psychology Today, get a referral to one, or find one through your insurance. If you can, try to live with a friend or family member for the time being. It will likely take a while and a lot of work to get through your issues, so make sure you can stay with this person for an extended period of time.
In my experience, the few abusers that are able to change often do so because of a major event (it could be a severe blowup, or something else). Realizing the amount of harm you caused both during this most recent blowup and past ones will also hopefully help shock and motivate you to change.
Also, I recommend reading “Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” by Lundy Bancroft. Although it’s about men, I think that what he says can be applied to any person regardless of their gender. The book might help you understand your anger better.
Note: I live in the US, so the stuff about finding a therapist might be different depending on where you live.
There are always books and YouTube videos and online support groups.
I’m not condoning your behavior or agreeing with your therapists, but I think your husband’s actions are a MASSIVE part of the puzzle here and you need to think about couples therapy or divorce because you are both bringing toxic things to this relationship. In the instance you mentioned, your husband displayed a lack of judgement, a disregard for your feelings, and he physically blocked your leaving the house.
Why was he trying to block you from leaving the house? That is a crime. Your response of physical violence while you were the victim of a crime is not inherently abusive on your part. It worries me that your therapists said your actions were justified, you leave out a ton of detail in this incident, but you mention becoming abusive while you were being victimized. I think more information is necessary to actually know whether or not you are abusive or whether you are being abused and this is reactive abuse. Because abuse victims do not generally illegally try to imprison their abusers.
You mentioned that your job has strict rules about this kind of thing? Often they will have a program or resources available. And in many states going to those resources will also give you some protection from the employer. This should be available with a quick search on your company website or state websites. From the brief explanation it sounds like it would be beneficial for both of you.
Without asking where you are, I can only say take a look at the company, City and Country guidelines and protections. Many of the hotlines and local resources should be able to give you information anonymously.
this seems fishy to me. husband seems like he’s manipulating you into believing you’re in the wrong. neither of you are perfect, but your actions came about as a result of his
Why was he. Locking your way out the door? I’d hit anyone with a mop if they tried to trap me in a room.