You know the ones… Like you see in [articles like this](https://www.mother.ly/relationships/21-questions-to-ask-instead-of-how-was-your-day/). “What inspired you most today?” “How did you take care of yourself today?” >shudderbrudda<
I want something fun or interesting; novel if you will. Vanessa Van Edwards called these “Conversation Sparkers” in her book Captivate! but I can’t bloody think of any.
I imagine there are loads of quirky extroverts here in this sub; how do you like to ask how people are or get a snapshot of their life? People you know and who are strangers!
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Embrace the cringe, do cringy stuff with confidence.
“Is there anything you’re looking forward to?” has never failed me. Or any other variant (“what are you doing for the holidays?”, “are you traveling/do you want to travel anywhere this year?”, etc).
What’s going on in your life?
If some random person starts talking to me and asks what inspired me the most, my first reaction is “who the fuck are you and what do you want” because that sounds like I’m about to be on the receiving end of some religious proselytization, like they’re going to tell me how Jesus inspires them every day.
Just start with something low-impact like “how’s it going” and either pick up a thread they mention or drop one of your own.
Here’s a sampling of icebreakers from my book:
1) What’s on your fun resume instead of your work resume?
2) Anything exciting going on with you or your family lately?
3) Anything great happen to you today?
4) Did anything make you laugh today?
5) How did today go for you? If you had to rate it on a scale…
6) Do you have anything left to accomplish for today?
7) Do you have any plans for this weekend?
8) Is there anything to eat here that I really need to try?
9) Do you know a lot of people here?
10) Did you do anything today that can qualify as exercise?
11) What’s the best way to help me remember your name?
12) Have you been anywhere lately? I’m looking for vacation ideas.
13) How was your week? The good, the bad, the ugly…
14) Have you read anything good lately?
15) Do you live around here? What do you like about it?
16) Do you know any restaurants I should try?
17) Where did you grow up? What’s special about that place?
18) What kind of pet person are you?
19) What’s the first thing you do after work?
20) Do you have a dream job?
21) Have you been out of the country?
22) Do you have anything you like to cook?
23) What’s your favorite thing to drink?
24) Any movies out there that I need to see?
25) What are your recommendations for a binge-watch?
26) Have you been to any concerts lately?
27) Where do you like to hang out around here?
28) That’s a great (item of clothing). Where’d you get it?
29) How long have you been at your job?
30) How’s today treating you?
31) Did you hear about (news item of that day)?
32) Do you have any kids/how big is your family?
33) Have you met anyone famous? Semi-famous?
34) Have you added anything to your bucket list lately?
35) How well do you know (the person whose party it is)?
36) Have you been here before? (if you’re at an atypical location)
37) How did you like (the reason why you’re here) “talk” “show” “game” etc.
38) What are the pros and cons of your job?
39) Listening to any good music lately? Can you talk me into another genre?
40) Have you tried any new restaurants lately?
41) What’s your favorite conversation starter? (Say it with a smile!)
42) What do you do when you’re not working?
43) Have you tried the (food you’re eating)? This is crazy good. (if it tastes good!)
44) Are you cold? (Or hot?) How much trouble do you think we’ll get into if we start fiddling with the thermostat (this is said for fun. don’t actually touch the thermostat!)
The book is called **”Change Your Vibe: How to Lifehack Your Way to Social Success.”**
Can’t link it due to forum rules but you could search for it.
You can’t ask those questions to a stranger, 98% of the time they will think youre a murderer.
“What do you dream of?”
If someone asked me this randomly, I would think my kidneys are about to be stolen.
What are you up to?
“you alright ducK?” bonus points if not from derbyshire. extra bonus points if youre not from the UK
I always find it amazing that “experts” can actually recommend stuff like that. One of my favorites that I read somewhere: “If you could have any superpower, what would you pick?” TF? Who actually talks like that? That’s not going to *open* a conversation, it’s going to *close* it, meanwhile tattooing “unimaginable dork” across your entire forehead.
I generally find that the best”openers” or topics have to do with the immediate shared situation, involving things that you have in common with the other person. So let’s say you’re in college, you could use remarks about the class, the professor, or your school:
“Man, does Professor X own more than one pair of pants?” Or “This guy is a one-man polyester wave.”
So see what else you can find or come up with here….
Somewhat similarly, you can tie conversational openers to broader *cultural* things that you and the other person are likely to have in common. What is common to people your age? Social media? What are the really popular TV shows now? Video games? So take something you see in the classroom, then:
“Wow, that kind of reminds me of an episode of The Simpsons” (Just about everybody has some familiarity with The Simpsons, and it’s “cool”)
“Like that time when Homer…”
Or say you’ve started a conversation about the professor and his tasteful pants, and you have gotten a positive initial response from the other person:
“Not gonna be getting a lot of Swipe Rights with trousers like those.”
(**Note:** this is recommended for a conversation *about* the professor and his tasteful pants, not a conversation *with* the professor about his tasteful pants.)
How you doin? 😉
I like asking weird questions, I hope I’m not cringey.
A good one is to enter with a compliment and start a conversation thread from there. Today a colleague approached me saying she likes my Slytherin water bottle, which led to a whole conversation about Harry Potter and the houses we were sorted into (lol we both took the Pottermore test). So give a genuine compliment on an item in their possession and take it from there.
*Edited spelling*
I like to take a generic “hey how are you” and spice it up by adding something something about myself. If they wanna chat, give them something to work with.
“hey what’s up? I just had a fancy lunch with my mom”
From my experience of carpooling and being stuck in a car with colleagues for an hour each day, you very quickly run out things to talk about. So sometimes I would just state facts.
Example: I read a good book about [blah blah blah] last night.
Then you pause to invite a question.
Half the time the other person is just happy to hear you talk about something you’ve found interesting and the other half of the time it might spark a conversation about that topic.
In other words – conversation starter don’t always have to be questions.
If it’s at work or a party with someone I know minimally: I just start talking about something that I think would be mutually interesting. “Oh, I need to tell you about this movie I watched!” And then I follow up with my feelings about it. At first you’ll very much get a “huh??” Kind of reaction but keep it easy and just throw them a soft ball. Ask them if they’ve seen Castaway or something like that, give an easy, popular opinion and see what they say in return.
If it’s someone you don’t know, same song, second verse: just start a conversation in the middle, but again, keep it vague and SFW enough for them to join in. “Don’t you think this Starbucks has the best coffee out of all of them? Idk what it is, it’s just better.” Or “i had a sweater like that and my dog ate it! Where did you get it?” Or “your hair is BEAUTIFUL. How do you style it like that?”
Not everyone is going to engage. Some people are just too shy or sour, or they’re having a bad day. Don’t keep staring at them like you’re waiting for a response. Get a moment of eye contact and look away, casually, at the coffee in your hand, for example. When they respond give another moment of eye contact and a smile, respond to what they’ve said. Actually listen to what they say and respond to that instead of thinking of the next thing you want to say. For example, say someone mentions the yarn store they bought the yarn from for their amazing sweater. Most people hear “yarn store” and think of an experience they had there to share, they spend the rest of the time their friend is talking waiting for a moment to talk about their trip to that yarn store. That wasn’t the point of the story- they’ve just given you an opening to say, “oh, you MADE that???” People love to talk about themselves, everyone does. Give them the opportunity to do that.
I mean, I am your run of the mill introvert, but something outside of the standard “how are you” even for extroverts just comes off as threatening. These aren’t conversation starters, they are conversation continuers.
I don’t know if this is what you’re going for, but there’s this whole concept from deep connection which uses the metaphor of a glacier with many layers.
It’s super awkward to dive head first into the deepest layers. People who do this often come across either creepy or as though they’re conducting an interview.
It’s much smoother to use what most people would consider banal conversation to ***transition gradually*** to deeper layers.
This approach removes the emphasis on some sort of magic starter – in fact, most really good starters in this setup are whatever circumstantial thing works to start someone talking – situational stuff, weather, fashion compliments, what sort of drink did you order? , etc – it’s much more important to know how to transition.
Medium depth conversations can often switch to preferences and likes, travel, media (tvs, movies, music), etc.
Really deep connections have more to do with nebulous things like dreams and aspirations, who you were and how that transitioned to who you are now and who you hope to be. Identity across time gets brought up – we often tend to converse in who people are right now, and leave out their origin stories. It often gets into the subjects of divination – health, wealth, love, and life satisfaction. Noticing patterns in people helps, because it can be a great jump off point of asking what’s behind the pattern.
Along with this, it’s helpful to surface from time to time. This helps to cut any tension, keeps some amount of lightness, and paradoxically, builds the comfort to make going deeper easier.
So something like “What did you end up doing today?” could easily lead to a question of work, which could then lead to a deeper question like “That sounds like it requires a lot of discipline – have you always been disciplined or was there some moment where you learned it?”
Hope it helps.
I think it is nice to ask for advice. This way, you can tell something her something that’s going on in your life and learn how she deals with something.
If you don’t want to get too deep, ask her about a nice movie she thinks you should watch or what to cook with this vegetable in your fridge.
But I personally prefer the deep convo.
I’ve thought about creating a website with these kinds of fun questions. There’s a thing called big talk where this lady talks about this very thing. Check it out.
One that’s always worked for me is to tell them a story. Start with something like “You’ll never guess what just happened to me” or “The weirdest/coolest/best thing just happened to me” It could be short, it could be long, it could be detailed, it could be minimal, it doesn’t even strictly need to be true. But it should be positive and preferably funny. Something simple is probably better and just tell them something that happened to you and big bonus points if you can tie it back to them or your mutual experiences somehow so it feels at least a little relevant. It’s not perfect and can still feel forced but if done confidently it’s a decent way to pull a conversation out of thin air. If you’re together in person you can use your physical location as mutual context. Point at something nearby and say you love it and tell them why. Ask their opinion about it. Make an observation and tie it back to yourself, your conversational partner, the conversation you’ve been having (if applicable) or some shared interest. Such and such reminds me of so and so from this and that! Look at that bird! Do you know what kind of bird that is? I love the colors! Have you even eaten at that restaurant over there? Kind of looks amazing!
Keep the vibes positive, express delight, excitement, or curiosity and get the other person involved by asking their opinion or asking if they agree with yours. You can’t keep a conversation going all day by just making random observations, but if you’re good at keeping a conversation moving along once it’s started it should be enough to keep the awkward silences to a minimum.
I’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
I think that genuine curiosity is the best way to get people to open up. Rather than a gimmicky ice breaker, I’ll ask “what have you been doing for fun lately?” or “how has your job been?” I’ll **pay attention** to what they say and ask follow-up questions: “you’re in a touch-football league? That’s awesome! How’s your team doing?” “Oh, you’re an accountant? Has tax season kicked into gear for you yet?” “You’re into Warhammer, huh? I’ve always thought it was cool, but I never invested the money into building an army. What are your favorite factions?”
The best conversations have a natural back-and-forth flow, so peppering someone with 20 questions will start to feel forced after a while. I like to share my own thoughts, stories, and experiences related to what we’re talking about. I try to project a vibe of openness, and will answer whatever questions they ask me. If they aren’t interested in having a conversation, then I take the hint and allow there to be silence.
“Hey did you hear about X?”
“What’s good?”
“Has today been weird for you too? X, Y, and Z happened to me.”
“Got any fun plans?”
What’s the best thing that’s happened to you today so far?!
I ask “what was your play of the day?”
I like being asked how my day is when it’s genuine.
When someone on a dating app or on IG (for example) starts a conversation with „Hi, how are you?“ I am always annoyed because it’s none of a stranger’s business how I am doing. If instead you pick out one of my pics and ask a factual question about the activity or sight shown in the picture, or about something I wrote in my profile or under a picture, it’s a lot more engaging.
I.e. „How long have you been doing <hobby x> and what would you say is the easiest way to get into it?“
„When you visited <place Y> did you also see <Z>? How did you like it?“
“Gum has gotten mintier lately, have you noticed?”
Keep in mind that “how are you” or “how was your day” aren’t THAT bad, really. Many good conversations started that way. Honestly you are much more likely to be cringe if you try too hard.
Trying too hard includes asking anything you wouldn’t ask a person you barely know IRL, asking overly deep and personal questions, or making weird sounding compliments.
Being natural is often better than being unnatural.
I think a lot depends on context.
If you’re going to be in the same space with someone you don’t know very well for an indeterminate amount of time, then silly games are always great. “This or that” or “would you rathers” are fun, especially if they’re kind of absurd. And it’s a good way to mine for actual conversation topics. Or just laugh a lot. (The trick with those is to have a few in your back pocket so you’re not trying to think of all of them on the spot.) Just don’t ask a weird one right off the bat lol
I will say that I’ve had to work to get to know people pretty quickly and pretty deeply for the classes I’m taking this year, and since we both knew why we were there we didn’t really have a problem with the whole “what’s your story” and “what are your hopes and dreams” type questions.
But those questions usually require a good warmup.
Hope this helps!
When you talk to someone, just notice and feel where the energy is in what they’re saying. Are they drab and dull? Do they light up when mentioning a certain thing?
Recently I saw the usefulness in committing certain things to memory, it just improves confidence knowing you know these things how tricky can a conversation get
<Introduce yourself>
<Wait for them to introduce themselves>
So, how do you know <person whose party it is>
How do you usually spend your time?
How the fuck you doin’ , bubba?
We’ve Been Trying To Reach You About Your Car’s Extended Warranty
“How you feel about the empire and the republic, do you support emperor palpatine?”
Just walk away if they don’t know what you’re talking about.
Ask what’s your favourite cake, or start with a compliment. I worked an open day with my uni and noticed the criminology stand. So during my break I went over to them and asked them who their favourite serial killer was. I later got the number from one of them didn’t end all well, but he remembered it was it was an interesting question to start off with.
My ex husband used to tell me he’d “prepare” before meeting someone. He’d think about the last time he was with them: what they talked about, if they mentioned their family, hobbies, etc.
I thought that was such a good idea and try to remember to do it. I always forget and end up winging it.
He’s a much better conversationalist than me.
I work at a restaurant packing to go orders and things like that. So yeah a lot of experience with small talk.
The main piece of advice would be rather than just asking “how’s your day”, prompt them to talk about their day through observations.
A customer had an abnormally large to-go order? I’m asking them if they’ve got a gathering to go to. If they say no just a big family, I’m like aw kids n stuff?
If it looks like someone is just grabbing something on their lunch break, I ask about their job. And when that response is inevitably one worded I ask how they feel about the job. People love going in on things they either love or hate.
Bonus points if you’re not just asking questions and you’re able to relate.
“I have a big family too~ but we don’t live near each other, so I’m always excited when they visit”
“Oh no such a short lunch break 🙁 working at a restaurant Im just constantly eating lol”
And remember, worst case scenario, things are awkward. But it’s not the first time either of y’all have ever felt awkward and it’s definitely not gonna be the last 🙂
It doesn’t even have to be a complicated question. It’s also about the answer.
The answer to “how are you? How was your day” can be as detailed or vague or philosophical or shallow as the other person wants. So instead of thinking of a very clever question, just think of a clever answer to give when they ask you.
-How are you? How was your day?
-Oh, i’m really excited, I just come from Target/supermarket/mall/bookshop/insert-here-whatever-interest and I found this amazing/silly thing happened it just made my day-
-Oh, i’m really happy, the sun finally came out today after so long…
-Oh, I have been really looking forward to the winter starting because I just love to sit by the fire and drink tea
-I’m really excited, this morning I just booked a short holiday to X place
…then you proceed to share your enthusiasm for something and that’s already the energy of a conversaton starter.
Just start saying shit, you’ll get good at it eventually. Just get the ball rolling. For better or worse just say it with ur chest.
I am nowhere near expert level conversationalist, and sometimes this falls flat, but my go-to is to ask if they did anything cool over the weekend or if they have any cool plans for the upcoming weekend. I don’t know why it works, but I think maybe it’s more lighthearted and less interview-y than “how was your weekend” because it’s asking for an event in response and not a feeling.
And then of course if they say, “nothing,” they’ll ask you how your weekend was, and you can say something about your weekend, or make up something completely silly and fictitious for your response, which will usually get someone to open up and chime in.
A while back, I used to work 2 socially demanding jobs concurrently (team lead by day and waitress by night) and my other fallback then was buying books with “clean” (or not-so-clean but not totally offensive) jokes and memorizing one or two, like “hey I heard this new joke, you wanna hear it?”
My favorite was the one about the pirate with a steering wheel coming out of his crotch.