i would really truly like a guys perspective on this. if its true all men will cheat, i need to know.
ive been with my bf for a decade and i found a bunch of women he was flirting withon his phone.
when i confronted him the next day he was doing everything to deny it and saying i’m irritating him and im being insecure. it wasnt until i mentioned names i found that he finally cracked and i had to be the first to say that he has been cheating on me and sleeping with multiple women and he does this nervous smile thing when hes caught in a lie and when i pointed that out he finally admitted to it.
when i said i think its over. were done. he sounded so surprised “you serious?”
he then said things like
“its different for men to cheat than women. its not the same”
“wasn’t everything great before you found out?”
told him it shouldn’t be a secret and he lit up saying “so you would be cool with it if it wasn’t a secret?”
i said i cant trust you and he says ” but can you trust me with other things? isn’t that enough?”
“you were the one that said i should have a side chick” i joked about it a few times but always let him know im the only one.
he never once apologized not until i brought it up and he says “im sorry for hurting you” not sorry i cheated. it was wrong to do and wrong to hide this from you.
i gave him a scenario of when i get pregnant and have no time for him if he would do this again and he thought yeah maybe once every 3 months?!
he doesnt have hobbies or friends outside of 2 work friends he sees every few months and working out and stocks so he said when im busy and hes bored this is what he does. he flirts and cheats!
this all only happened yesterday and my head hurt so bad from not eating or sleeping that i still need to meetup and talk with him but i really would like to know if this is common and why? is there a way i should be going about this?
36 comments
Yea, he’s terrible. That’s some serious self centeredness. Do you really want to be involved when this happens again? He doesn’t think it’s wrong, so he isn’t going to stop. He will hide it better of course, but…
Move on its not normal. I’d move on.
Cheating is a two way street. It’s not a man thing or a woman thing it’s a nasty person thing. Your boyfriend has made it clear he’s one of those people and is trying to manipulate you into accepting it as normal.
(28M) Cheating is normal? No it isn’t.. it never is. That’s why it is called ‘cheating’.
If you’re in an open relationship, that is a seperate story, but you are 100% correct to assume your SO stays faithful to you. Even if it is common, that does not mean it is normal and definitely not acceptable.
If he ‘flirts and cheats’ because he’s bored.. i’d get away from this guy as fast as you can. Ditch him before he can do any more damage to you emotionally or, god forbid, phisically.
Run, and don’t look back. He’s not worth your time.
I’m so sorry. He sounds absolutely awful. Like the type to have another family awful.
A decade?? Omg that must be so cute confusing. It’s time to move on.
It’s not normal. He’s a shitty person and he doesn’t respect you.
It’s not normal and it has nothing do with gender. Cheating is a shitty thing to do and doing shitty things regularly makes you a shitty person
When people lie and do self centered and hurtful things, it’s okay to break up and move on.
Cheating is definitely not “normal guy behavior”.
Yeah, no. This guy is lying asshole that is actively wrapping you around his fingers. Stop playing stupid games and ditch the guy.
32 y/o man here, have seen guys like your BF a lot…
These people all end up alone and bitter in the end. Don’t be a sucker and leave him already, the sad thing is he’ll never figure it out, he’ll make up his mind all women are witches and whatnot.
This happens both ways and goes to that type of women too, who justify their shitty personality/lack of discipline with the ideology in turn. Let mother nature do it’s thing and dump these people, they failed.
Dude here and a bit older than your BF. He’s trash; dump his ass and move on.
Time to get a new boyfriend!
I think a lot of people cheat and that’s obviously bad, and up to you if you want a relationship where you can see other people. The fact he thinks it’s different for him than for you is a huuuuge issue. As is him saying he woukd probably cheat on you 3 times if you got pregnant.
A decade is a long time to be with someone and leaving is very hard but you deserve a lot better than that. 30 is young you have plenty of time to find someone who appreciates you
Absolutely false that all men cheat the vast majority of us are loyal and are heartbroken if we get cheated on. I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve been in a relationship with but my ex-wife cheated on me (serial cheating) two ex-girlfriends cheated on me and it took me years to recover from all of that along with therapy. Your BF is full of shit as no one is told to cheat like its part of the “Man” rule book growing up. Only assholes cheat and try to justify it like your ex has.
WTF did I just read? HELL NO that shit is NOT normal. Your boyfriend(should be EX) is not worth the dog shit that you step on with his mentality. Stop wasting your time with this loser.
As a man, this is absolutely not normal, nor acceptable.
As to how you should go about this. Definitely do not have kids with him, if you do have kids then do not have more. Proceed forward with ending the relationship as he has made it clear he will continue this.
No it’s not normal. He got caught and he’s trying every strategy to get out of it. Denial didn’t work. Now he’s trying this. Next he will be explaining to you that it’s actually your fault.
He’s not sorry. He’s sorry he got caught. He is openly saying he will do it again. ITS NOT NORMAL.
Nope. Dump him. Yesterday.
>i would really truly like a guys perspective on this. if its true all men will cheat, i need to know.
The last time I cheated, it was using a code I found in a gaming magazine back in the late 90’s. I felt dirty then enough that when I learned it had a relationship context I was shocked it was even a thing. I’m bringing that energy with me still.
Simply – no, it’s not “normal”. Just because it happens doesn’t make it right. That’s like saying Wars are fine because we’ve had so many.
>”its different for men to cheat than women. its not the same”
It’s literally the same.
>”wasn’t everything great before you found out?”
“You’re only upset because now you know” oh please, get away from this guy…
>he never once apologized not until i brought it up and he says “im sorry for hurting you” not sorry i cheated. it was wrong to do and wrong to hide this from you.
No, it was wrong to _do it_. He didn’t apologise because he _isn’t sorry_.
He’s also not sorry for hurting you as he thinks you’re genuinely stupid enough to stay with him still.
Please, defy his expectations – leave, find someone who’s not a complete and total wad like this guy who’ll just gaslight you back to the 1800’s with his garbage.
What next, it’s not cheating because he only did it dodggy style? You going to believe that one too?
You’re thirty years of age and need help answering the question of whether all men cheat?
Cheating isn’t normal nor is it different for men and women. Cheating is cheating. Period. End it.
Text book narcissism. That smirk he gave you is typical with narcissists. But unfortunately, you’re probably trauma bonded, which mean he’s the one hurting you but he’s also the one to comfort you. Which is very confusing for your brain. It’s going to be very hard for you to leave because of the hold he has on you, you will probably go back to him a few times before you’re done for good, but you need to leave. And for the fucking love of god, DO NOT EVER HAVE A BABY WITH HIM.
I refuse to believe this was written by a 30 year old.
Or it’s either a very gullible 30 year old. Get a grip girl, of course it’s not normal. Use some common sense.
Edit: I see on another post that you’re 20 years old? That would make more sense. And your bf was 25??
He couldn’t even come up with anything remotely like you mattered. It’s apparent he doesn’t respect you or care about you.
You bf is trash. I’ve been with my wife 40 years and have not touched another woman. It’s called self control. It seems like a lot of people have no self control and try to blame it on a lot of other things, even their partner, when it is actually all about them.
Cheating is not normal. Nor is gaslighting your GF by telling her that cheating is normal.
I have been seeing a large uptick in the message that all men chest and it’s normal. I was actually harassed in my DMs this morning by a person who clearly thought I was a young woman, telling me that my late fiancé cheated on me and it’s normal “for a man to need to spread his seed.”
This was annoying, because I am a man, my fiancé was a man, and “men need to spread their seed” is pretty fucking hilarious to say to a gay man who practices ethical non monogamy. I promise, whatever “seed spreading” that is happening in my relationships, none of it is procreative.
That said, I believe this is a message rooted in evolutionary psychology and is just a weird form of misogyny (?) but it also seems really hateful toward men, saying that we cannot control our own sexual behavior.
OP, your ex is an asshole and a cheater and probably getting some problematic messaging from the internet. You can do better. Cheating isn’t something all men do as a part of “being men.”
Also if anyone can enlighten me on where this bullshit is coming from, I would appreciate it.
This is not normal & his response is selfish & callous, he doesn’t seem to care that you are upset.
Idk how your relationship is apart from this, but I would be surprised if he prioritizes you or treats you with the respect & kindness you deserve.
He has shown you that he thinks cheating is ok, he will continue, move on to someone who has good morals, won’t cheat & respects you. You can do better than this looser.
All men cheat? I didn’t get the memo. Same bride for year 36 now and have not cheated, nor would I want to.
I’ve cheated. Ive slept with cheaters. Like someone else said, it’s something that shitty, cowardly, greedy people do. It’s not normal. There is something wrong with HIM, NOT YOU, that he needs to figure out and you shouldn’t be dragged along to suffer while he gets his shit together IF he gets his shit together. The stress and sadness and frustration aren’t worth it and there are plenty of good people out there who are willing to treat you with dignity and respect
Am man. Cheating is not normal.
Since you’re dealing with a very particular kind of dude, I’m gonna give advice in his language
He told you it’s normal for men to cheat. He’s wrong. Weak men cheat. You’re not dating a strong man. Strong men can control their impulses, you’re dating a weak man who is he’s controlled by his impulses. Being a man isn’t about doing whatever you feel like. Being a man is about putting aside your petty impulses so you can prioritize taking care of what’s important, even when you don’t want to.
How is your man gonna be there for you if he gets another woman pregnant while he’s cheating? Even with condoms there’s a chance it could happen. Even if he pulls out perfectly every time he could still get a girl pregnant. Even if he tells you he would have her get an abortion, the other woman probably won’t agree to an abortion. You as a woman, he’s putting you at risk every time he cheats. He’s even risking your health just so he can have mindless fun, because whenever he’s running around from woman to woman like a hyperactive child he could catch an STD and give it to you
4 month ago you were 20yo and he was 20yo.
1year ago you were 28yo and he was 30yo.
What happen?
I’m a man and no, fuck his bullshit excuses and lies. Cheating is a fucked up thing to do to someone else, you’re either loyal or you’re not. And it’s not different between men and women, that’s just the lamest excuse that every dumb 21 year old boy uses to justify their infidelity. You’re either a selfish, cheating asshole or you’re not. *Do not* let this dude gaslight you or invalidate how you feel about being cheated on. If he meant cheating is common nowadays, well sadly that’s true because so many people are broken, guarded, selfish and jaded. Still doesn’t make it okay or not a shitty thing to do to someone. Loyal ones are still out there and you should definitely break up with him and find the person who will value you and only you after you’ve spent some time healing and on your own for a bit. Your (hopefully soon to be ex) boyfriend is selfish and isn’t worth it.
Sounds like you have no self-respect, self-love or boundaries. Dump his ass and find yourself a partner who cares about you and loves you.
So no, cheating isn’t normal, its heinous and disgusting. ionship, yes guys will find dumb stuff to entertain themselves if they are bored, but cheating on their girlfriends or flirting with women out of boredom will most likely not figure on their list of things to do when bored. Me personally think only the worst about people who flirt out of boredom, its same as people who lie because they are bored and take pleasure in you trusting and believing them.
So no, cheating isnt normal, its heinous and disgusting.