I happen to come from a conservative-ish household/country. Even though my family is very liberal in terms of ideals, I’ve never been exposed to revealing clothing much. I have always thought the boyfriend is the only guy who gets to look at his girlfriend so intimately.
My girlfriend happens to be very liberal/modern in terms of clothing. She wears the shortest of shorts and crop tops and dresses and fishnets and what not. In my mind they are sexualised clothing. Basically as revealing as lingerie so i get a little uncomfortable with the attention she gets from other guys staring. Especially when I’m not with her.
It isn’t an insecurity thing for sure cause i know she loves me very much and wouldn’t leave me.
Every other way she’s perfectly perfect and hasn’t done a thing I’m uncomfy with. But this has been annoying me for a while.
I know I’m in the wrong thinking that way. I don’t want to control her or make her feel controlled in any way. I don’t want to change her.
How do I come to terms with the fact that other men get to look at parts of her i feel like only i should get to see?
She even seems to like the external validation. Nothing wrong of course.
And the “other guys can only see, you get to touch” thing doesn’t seem to make me feel any better.
22 comments
Find a therapist. Seriously. There is a lot to unpack here.
Bodies aren’t inherently sexual unless you make them. Look at topless beaches or saunas. You are the one sexualizing her body.
You are the one seeing her and her body solely through the lens of ‘do MEN sexualize this?’ Is it sexual when you go to the beach shirtless? Wear running shorts? Wear pants that cling to your budge? No.
Then why is it sexual when she does it? it’s not. She’s free to wear what she wants. It’s not her problem that men sexualize her. In fact, most women want the constant specialization to stop. She shouldn’t have to sacrifice things she wants because men are constantly horny and society puts it onto women to manage horny men.
Also. Therapy.
It is definitely an insecurity thing. You are literally being jealous about guys looking at her.
Your thinking is so weird and antiquated, that I think maybe you should consider if you two are right together. It doesn’t sound like you lived in a conservative-ish house/country at all, but that you don’t know what fundementalist conservative households look like. Those are the kinds of people who start having problems with what other people are doing with their own bodies.
These aren’t insecurities, these are your values which are created and influenced by your culture and upbringing. You either change your values or date someone who shares them.
This is your problem to deal with. You need to work on your thoughts. You’ve sexualized clothing. The only person that can change your thoughts is you. I appreciate that you realize that this is something you need to work on and that you aren’t trying to change your gf. That’s a huge step.
You’ve decided that there are parts of your gf that only you should see. That’s troubling because you’re thinking of her (a person) as an object that you “own” for your exclusive use.
So what if a man’s eyes are on your gf? People look at each other. You need to redirect your thoughts so that another man putting his eyes on your gf is not a big deal because humans look at each other. Making a little eye contact is normal human interaction. It’s meaningless. Get over it.
It may be that you and your gf are incompatible if you can’t get over this. Maybe you need to find someone that already dresses in a way that makes you more comfortable. However, you need to realize that men will look at her too.
First identify the feeling, are you happy, angry, sad or scared when you are thinking of men looking at her.
Sit with the feeling, talk to the happy/angry/sad or scared part of yourself.
If you go out with her while she wears this clothes you should OWN it.
Hold her hand, grab her waist, arm around her shoulder etc. Just let it be known that she’s YOUR girlfriend, the stares should only make you more confident that you have a sexy girlfriend. And if you notice you’ll also be getting looks from girls that are jealous you chose her.
Now when she goes dressing like that alone you just have to trust her. If she seems like the cheating type and talks to lots of guys those are red flags. But if she hangs with her girlfriends and stuff then it should be ok as long as she isn’t actually CHEATING on you.
Good luck man, keep Working out and stop masturbating as often; the advice that no one gives you
>How do I come to terms with the fact that other men get to look at parts of her i feel like only i should get to see?
I appreciate that you realize your thinking here is pretty backwards and insecure and you’re trying to work on it, that’s impressive. A lot of guys with this mindset would be coming here to ask reddit for advice on how to make their girlfriend change to better suit their hangups rather than asking for advice on how to get rid of the hangups.
Therapy is an option. You’re probably thinking “this isn’t serious enough to require therapy, that’s for crazy people” or something along those lines given what you’ve told us of your background, but therapy is great for everybody. Think of it like a routine physical but for your mind instead of your body; everybody has issues they need to talk about, and everybody benefits from having a nonjudgmental and safe sounding board.
If that’s too much for you right now then I would focus on trying to reframe your thinking. Instead of seeing this as “other men can see some of the same things I get to see” try thinking of it more along the lines of “other men only get to **see** some things, but she and I actually go home together.” Don’t focus on what you have in common with other random dudes on the street with regards to your relationship, focus on the differences. They’re significant.
Then maybe date someone who’s more conservative with the way they dress.
Stop thinking that women dress for men. Most women dress for themselves or for their female friends (either as in part of a group/accepted or to compete with). There’s actual research in psychology about it.
Also, I think that she is at an age that there is a lot of experimentation in terms of clothes, so it’s good for her to try different things and dress however she wants.
Your girlfriend is 18. If her experience is anything like mine or many other women I’ve talked to through the years, she’s been sexualized by men in public since she was, oh maybe 10? Sometimes younger. She’s been sexualized wearing the clothes you described, baggy clothes, athletic clothes, showered or not showered, makeup or not makeup, etc. None of that really matters; it was never about her or what she looked like or what she was wearing. It was always about the creepy men doing what they want in public with no shame. Those type of men are everywhere and at this age she’s been dealing with it for years and probably understands the pattern that no matter what she does, they will still stare. So what’s the point to cover up in a particular way? Why not just wear clothes that make her happy and comfortable? The problem is with those men, not her.
Maybe you could talk to her about her experiences with men in public: staring, catcalling, etc. Don’t push her to share if she isn’t open to it, but it might help you to be more comfortable with your girlfriend if you see her as an expert in men’s behavior around girls and women. She’s had years and years to come to terms with something that you are probably experiencing and witnessing for the first time.
As an aside, you said she seems to enjoy the external validation. Has she explicitly said that she enjoys it? Oftentimes it’s safer for women to smile or laugh or be polite then get upset. Men can get very dangerous if you push back too much. There is no right way to deal with harassment or general creepy behavior, but her method is a valid one.
my question is why are you dating someone whose clothing choices you don’t approve of? if it’s such a problem to you, you do know that you can just date someone whose way of presenting themselves is actually attractive to you?
It is insecurities, and you are the one sexualizing her clothing. It is not the job of a woman to wear different clothing because a man can’t keep his mind out of his pants. Men are the problem, not her.
Leave her alone and date someone else
That really depends. Is she dressing like a ho or just normal for her culture?
Def getting downvoted for this btw.
If she’s dressing like she wants to be single, let her be single.
You don’t need help learning to get comfortable with it. You need help growing a spine, and setting boundaries you’re okay with. Don’t ever pretend to be “okay” with some shit you’re not okay with.
And you’re not in the wrong, don’t let these feminazis these days try to convince you otherwise. If she’s trying to show out for other men, there’s a reason for that. Tell her to take the for sale sign off or send her back to the streets. You don’t need to swallow your pride or lower your standards for anyone.
You started liking and dating her while she was already dressing this way???? Omggggg😂😂 if you are uncomfortable with it then why did you talk to her???
> It isn’t an insecurity thing for sure cause i know she loves me very much and wouldn’t leave me
Just because she wouldn’t leave you doesnt mean what you are feeling isnt insecurity. Your religious upbringing (read: sheltered upbringing) has given you a skewed sense of what is actually normal.
If you have feelings about skirts and stockings, boy, do you have a lot of growing and maturing to do still.
You can’t control what a woman wears, even your gf.
So its time to buck up and get mature, or break up, cause she will resent you if you make this a her problem.
Good luck breaking away from the brain washing you were subjected to.
Op, things are only sexual when you associate it to something sexual.
Some countries don’t sexualize breasts on women. Which is a perfect example of how tightly wound up America is about how things are viewed.
Op, you might be sexualizing this clothing for two reasons:
1) Porn. If you e watched women wear this exact clothing on porn, it’s why you associate it in this manner. When you stop thinking in terms of what women in porn are wearing, you’ll stop thinking your GF is dressing sexual.
2. You’re views about women and sex. You could be struggling with the idea your partner is not dressing sexually for men. She’s trying to find out who she is and in doing so she’s doing it through clothing. Ages 16-25, you are learning who you are. You are changing through these years because life helping you figure out things about your personality. Her dressing has absolutely nothing to do with you and other men. It’s about her finding herself in her expression in clothing.
>How do I come to terms with the fact that other men get to look at parts of her i feel like only i should get to see?
Unless she’s walking around *nude* other men aren’t looking at parts of her only you should see.
The reason they’re all sexualized articles of clothing to you is because you’ve been conditioned to believe women’s bodies are for sexual pleasure and nothing more.
Unlearn that shit.