F25
There’s a lot going on here, apologies in advance. Also my post history can flesh out some of the details here.
Recently, I met someone(m29) pretty amazing and went on a few dates. Due to the absolute shitshow of my last relationship, I have a ton of anxiety generally, but this guy actually had been through a similar situation (both cheated on) and it was a green flag that we would understand each other. That being said, he’s still a guy, and just like all the other ones I’ve encountered, I was really scared of setting my boundaries and experienced flashbacks before setting our fourth date, so I ended it.
I’ve “held out” before just to learn that it doesn’t matter, I can still be used and tossed aside or lied to. As I get older and have more experiences, it seems that holding off on physical contact gets more and more dangerous, like the 3 date “rule” and such. I’ve never had a relationship begin without waiting for at least a month to kiss, but I had several experiences last year that seem to indicate there’s no possible way anyone else thinks that. I’m terrified to have a conversation to set boundaries or a potential timeline without the dude immediately throwing himself at me and putting me on defense. I also am exhausted by the prospect of everything going well and learning later that they’ve lied about STD testing… again. Everything about my recent past romantic experiences has involved gaslighting and ultimatums at some point. I love sex, it’s great with someone you’re established with, but I just don’t trust anyone to be honest or see me as a full human being anymore. Or another way, trust my judgement to watch out for red flags.
I’ve been to therapy and it’s made me worse on this topic. I had a former therapist say that due to my appearance, I’ve basically got no choice but to expect people to be assholes and that I attract primarily assholes. Another mental healthcare establishment allowed another patient to corner me and grope me even in front of them, and didn’t do anything I asked them for allowing me to feel safe.
I’m trying to figure out how to get around this, if I ever can. My family is really frustrated with me for “throwing this guy away” because I was too scared to approach these conversations and end up even more traumatized.
I don’t ever want to appropriate someone’s identity, but someone floated the idea that I could identify as being on the ace spectrum or demisexual. I understand that demisexuality indicates *extremely rare* sexual attraction with an emotional connection, or something like that. I don’t feel that wanting to wait a month or more is exactly the same. However, it would be nice to have an “excuse” because apparently my own thoughts and feelings are not worth the respect of many people I’ve encountered. There’s also the option of self-defense classes, but I tend to have a freeze response and I wonder if being in a traumatic situation again, I could manage to overcome that, or if physically defending myself would just escalate the situation.
I really need help, if I don’t decide it’s just best to end up alone. How are you supposed to present yourself to someone you *just* met who is potentially going to ignore you anyway? I need to bridge the gap between not coming across as an oversharer/over explaining myself while hopefully still being honest and effective. Is there anything I could put on my dating profile or seek specifically to give potential dates an idea of how slow I’d like to take things?
TLDR: I am not ace/demi, but still like to take things slow. I have a lot of trauma from attempting to communicate this. I threw away a chance at an amazing relationship because I just can’t face the conversation anymore due to previous experiences where the backlash was abusive. Therapy has not helped. Should I just be alone or what can I do?
4 comments
First – I think you would benefit from a new therapist. I am SO sorry that you’ve had such horrific experiences. Any therapist who says that you are attracting a-holes because of your appearance is bad. License-revoking levels of bad. Same with your personal safety. Therapists are a little like hairdressers in that there are good ones, bad ones and everything in between (and people will have different opinions on who is “good” or “bad”). You need to find the right match for you – someone you feel you can open up to and learn from. And these days, post-Covid, there are tons more online options. I definitely think you would benefit from finding the right therapist.
For online dating, I would use the words “friends first”. I mean… that’s really what you want, right? You want time to develop a friendship with someone and get to know them before progressing to a romantic relationship.
And really, I think that’s the way you should be thinking about it too. It’s not really fair to let some guy wine and dine you or go through a bunch of romantic overtures if you are not ready to reciprocate. Not wanting to kiss for a month is just fine as a boundary – but I think you would probably agree that it’s maybe non-standard in today’s dating world. Putting “friends first” out there right away should help them to understand the type of pace you are looking for and find like-minded individuals.
Of course – you will need to be prepared for the inevitable people who won’t read your profile or try to push your boundaries anyways. Those people are not for you. Also – this probably goes without saying – but you will want to be consistent with your messaging (ie: if you send nudes and talk about sex positions while saying “friends first” that will certainly confuse people).
There are good, like-minded people out there. You will just have to wade through a bunch of incompatible people to get to the right person. That kinda comes with the territory for online dating. It’s not a reflection of you – just of the process.
>I had a former therapist say that due to my appearance, I’ve basically got no choice but to expect people to be assholes and that I attract primarily assholes.
bro what? I work in the field, and if someone that came through our clinic said that a therapist said that to them, I’d be telling the clinician assigned to the case to get in contact with said therapist to clarify ASAP. I find it hard to believe a licensed individual would say something like that to a client.
That said, it really does seem like you’d benefit from long term therapy. The self-sabotage to try to protect yourself from future heartbreak doesn’t sound healthy. Best of luck OP
I mean I’m sorry you have been going through that but I can’t lie, I wouldn’t be willing to wait four dates for any kind of intimacy, of course that’s not to say that nobody would but I would say it’s uncommon.
Unfortunately dating in your 20s right now is tough because with apps and tons of people ‘on the market’, it’s easy for men to just want to sleep around and move on to the next. But I don’t think every guy who wants to have casual sex or who ‘tosses you aside’ or lies to you is trying to abuse you or disregard consent- obviously those are negative experiences, but because of your trauma you seem extremely frightened of what is honestly a pretty normal risk that both sexes take when getting out there. I think it’s definitely worth looking into another therapist to work on that, but in the meantime I think you should just put on your profile that you’re not looking for something casual or are hoping to make friends. Then after a date or two you can mention that you’re really looking to take things slowly, and see what their response is.