Recently she told me she was going out to meet her friends for her choir rehearsals and did I know where the car keys were. I reminded her our daughter’s swimming lessons had changed to that night and I’d need the car.
She said she knew nothing about this change. I’d told her as soon as I knew and she said it was fine, someone could give her a ride to rehearsals.
This is the 3rd time in 6 weeks she has forgotten something I’ve told her like this and she is now telling me I’m lying to her and gaslighting her.
She’s been stressed with her choir recently and obviously with Christmas etc we’ve both been busy and I’ve not kept on top of the house work as much as I usually do, which could be adding to her stress, although she doesn’t usually mind.
Obviously I can’t say I’m worried about memory because that’ll seem even worse, and it’s only been a few times. It’s easy to do.
The accusation has really shook me too because it seems very out of character.
Does anyone have any advice?
Tl:Dr My wife is forgetting things and accusing me of gaslighting her when I say I had told her already.
36 comments
Maybe have a calender on the fridge where the two of you can keep track of stuff like this. Then no one can claim they didn’t know something, its on the board.
We use a shared family electronic calendar for these things
For important scheduling stuff like this, send an email, text or put it on a calendar.
People forget stuff all the time. It’s helpful to have important stuff written somewhere to be able to refer to it.
I second a calender. I forget stuff my husband tells me all the time, but if he writes it on the calender as or right after he tells me then I know it’s there to refer back to later. Or if I’m unsure of what’s happening in a given week I will refer to the calender. It’s in the kitchen right by the garage door so its very hard to miss. It may take her a little bit to remember it is there, but it is super helpful.
I like the suggestion of sending her an email each time something like this is changed. That way she can’t argue when the information was given to her.
And yes, you definitely need to have a conversation about her throwing around the word gaslighting because she’s forgotten something and is unable to acknowledge that she may have forgotten something. Maybe she’s experiencing memory issues herself and it’s stressing her out so she’s projecting her stress onto you.
The main issue is that her go-to response isn’t “huh, must be a miscommunication” or “silly husband, I know I’m right and you must be wrong” (which wouldn’t be ideal but still “normal”). It’s that after only 3 incidents of stuff being forgotten she’s jumping straight to accusations of lying/gaslighting. As you say, it’s out of character and that’s what needs to be addressed. “I’m not nitpicking about who’s right or wrong, I’m happy to accept that maybe I thought I told you something but didn’t, but I’m very troubled how quick you are to accuse me of deliberately lying to you. That’s a serious thing, why are you assuming I’m being so deliberately deceptive rather than just mistaken?”
Have that conversation, figure out the reason behind it. There’s likely something else going on beyond just “stress”. At worst she’s lying to you about something and projecting, might be that she knows she’s having memory issues but is in denial. Might simply be that she’s overly defensive and unwilling or unable to feel “wrong”. But all you can do is approach it calmly at a neutral time, make it clear that you’ll never mislead her, you’re open to the idea that you *might* be mistaken, even if you don’t think you are (important distinction), but her very serious accusation is a real problem for you.
When talking to her, make sure she LISTENS. Say what you need, then ask her if she heard what you said and ask her to repeat it. Happens between my husband and me, when I say something and he replies “okay”, “sure”, “got it”, but if I ask what I’d just said, he’s like “huh? Sorry, can you repeat that?” So, before saying anything important, I make sure he’s actually LISTENING. I say, “Honey, are you listening? Make sure you’re listening, because it’s important.” And after I STILL ask him to repeat it back to me. He doesn’t take offense because he knows that it’s the only way of doing it 🤦🏻♀️💁🏻♀️
Text her the info like plans changing so you have evidence
Text her when something changes.
Get her to use phone reminders. You tell her a plan or whatever, she needs to note it down then and there
You can text and have confirmation she received it. Maybe you thought you communicated, but forgot to make sure she heard.
Shared calendar, even a shared phone calendar , which makes it easy to add stuff when your away from each other.
Edited to add: you can add alerts and reminders onto the appointments too
>Obviously I can’t say I’m worried about memory because that’ll seem even worse
So you’re going to wait for her to forget more things and get even madder at you? Stop avoiding confrontation and tell her that her memory is failing her and she needs to see a doctor.
If she’s forgetting things and making out of character accusations, it really might be worth talking to a doctor with her. This could be a sign of a treatable psychiatric condition like depression. It could also be a sign that something more serious is going on.
Start writing down your observations so you can track whether this is an aberration or an ongoing problem. Your wife may need you to look out for her health.
Shared google calendar. Worked wonders for us
Just in case, because it’s come up a couple of times lately, maybe test for carbon monoxide.
I don’t think it’s super likely here, because it’s just her, and it sounds like there’s known stresses that could be causing this… But good to be safe.
Past that, as others have said, start texting. I’d suggest maybe recording conci, but I think that has the potential to backfire pretty bad :T
Said this in a sub post, but…You know your post history is public right? In one of your posts you say she cheated on you. I think that would cause some trust issues in the relationship. Perhaps she’s projecting about lying?
Have a calendar and also maybe help your wife and take the L here if you’ve truly been so unhelpful her brain is this scattered.
Has she been forgetting anything else like this? I’ll have a similar outcome cause ny partner a d I forget but not this
Edit okay this DID happen when I was under extreme mental stress. My partner who I love and admire was not that person – idk what was going on but my love became an enemy. I would get her to explore her mental health and with a therapist BUT if she’s already in a state of not trusting you this may not go in your favour
I think it’s quite a stretch to respond to stress about housework by accusing your husband of gaslighting and lying. Most people don’t immediately jump to that conclusion when they’re stressed out.
You don’t need a shared calendar. You need a doctor. Not a therapist, but a neurologist. Forgetting things, acting out of character, jumping to weird conclusions…honestly I think it might be a good idea to make sure everything is ok neurologically.
Good luck.
>Obviously I can’t say I’m worried about memory because that’ll seem even worse, and it’s only been a few times. It’s easy to do.
If you approach this during a time when she’s not forgotten anything, and address it as a “is anything wrong, can I help?” instead of a “you’re forgetting things. Stop it.” I think you could bring it up. You have to be willing to help and she has to be willing to be vulnerable with you, but bringing it up gently is possible.
This could be a symptom of perimenopause. No joke, google it. No idea how to bring this up.
Can you text her such things to keep receipts?
Ok, I’ll say it. Sounds like going out for choir is new. New activity, new group, new behavior? Worst case scenario is it’s not a crowd conducive to a healthy marriage. Best case is… she’s stressed and needs to be held liable for her horrendous accusation.
Do you have an iPhone? I have a calendar set up for my SO and I at so we can see each other’s appointments and schedule with the kids.
All women hate their husbands: they only marry them because the men in question are fool enough to give them the pwincess wedding and then children that they crave. After that the women resent the husbands bitterly because they (the women) maniacally believe that the men have somehow cheated them out of being with the Brad Pitt that they self-evidently deserve.
Ok so you know your post history is public? Is it 2 teenage kids that you and your wife have or one son that is now 20 and flown the coup? But you also have a daughter going to swim lessons… was she going to Aus with you and your wife? Seems to be a lot of conflicting info in your stories also you were 39 a few posts ago but your 37 now….
Create shared calendars on your phones with reminders the day before and day of event.
My ex wife used to accuse me of gaslighting her regularly. After a few months of therapy, I came to the realization that she was the one gaslighting me all the time.
Shared calendar on your devices. Google or Apple Calendar is the key to my family knowing what the hell is happening. Set reminders and you’re good to go.
Your post history has so many inconsistencies regarding your relationship that I think you’re just making this up.
Maybe she’s cheating on you again bud :/
One of my friends complains about this exact thing with her husband and their marriage therapist said he has relational amnesia.
Maybe schedule an appt with the doctor too just in case.
Text or email all schedule changes. That way, there’s written record of it. Hearing and reading things helps people remember better anyway.
I wouldn’t jump to gaslighting just because she’s only 35 doesn’t mean a physical problem can’t come up. No one wants to ask themselves if they have a memory problem. Text her all things you’ll need the car for changes in schedules and keep a diary of hen she does forget. If it gets to be to much show her your record keeping and talk about her seeing a Dr. If it isn’t happening enough to worry you it will still be a way of showing her your not gaslighting her.