When I was 7yrs old my mother divorced my father and moved us far away from him. I have been searching for my father for 17 years. I recently took a DNA test (23 and me) and found a first cousin who knows my father, but the person that she is referring to as her uncle is not the man who I knew growing up. She explained that he is married to his high school sweet heart and has two sons. This means that he cheated on his wife by sleeping with my mother and here I am. I want to know my dad but I also don’t want to destroy their relationship. I am also terrified that he might blame me if my presence creates a conflict in his relationship. I don’t know what to do.
TLDR: I took a DNA test and found a first cousin who knows my dad but he does not know I exist and is happily married with a family. I want to know him but don’t know how to proceed.
14 comments
Yes you have a rough situation
So what of your relationship with your mother. After all she slept with a married man. Doesn’t that bother you as well? Won’t that be also awkward?
Just come out the wood works.
Reach out to both of them lol
Don’t know if you gonna gain anything out of this. It might terrifies your real father is he is with his family still for this long.
Find out from your cousin or check to see if he has social media and reach out . You need medical history anyway and you would like to meet him. Ask for his number and send him a text with your picture and tell him that you are his daughter and that you don’t want to cause any problems you would just like to meet him.
The feeling I get here is that you want a Dad in your life and that is totally normal. However the risks here of it going badly for all of you are high.
However saying that I would give him a heads up because if anyone near him does a 23 and me test you will pop up eventually, so I would advise him as your mother may never have told him either.
It might be better to not be on there for his sake.
If you want to keep contacting him on the DL try to get his number from the cousin you mentioned. Call him and talk to him very gently. You have the proof so if there ever is any denial you can shut that question down. He would probably be willing to meet you at a public place so you could disclose the paperwork. Just inform him you just want him to know you exist and you don’t want to damage what he has going on. So that way he can decide what he wants to do with that information but be very adamant that you do not want to endanger his situation and you just want to have the opportunity to meet him.
The first cousin has probably already told people. I wouldn’t keep it to myself if I was contacted by someone in your situation. Your father may have heard or will hear soon.
Remember, you are innocent in all this. The cheater destroys the relationship, and if he blames you for your presence, his infidelity created your presence. Whatever you decide, don’t blame yourself for anything. BTW, if you tell your mom you are about to contact this guy she might be more forthcoming with details and be less of a liar.
My (confirmed) half sister shows as either my half-sibling or 1st cousin on 23&Me and Ancestry. So if the “cousin” that you found shares the connection through their dad and your “perspective dad”, you might have all of this wrong. Their dad could be your dad too. Just be careful. These DNA kits don’t always paint an accurate picture of the truth.
Would you be able to afford to see a family therapist about that? That’s like, very very very complex. The feelings you feels, the appréhension, the timing of your conception, learning that your dad isn’t your dad… i think you should make sure that first and foremost, you’re in a good place mentally and with a sturdy support system before reaching out to him.
People keep asking my about my mom. She flat out denies everything and told me the DNA test was wrong. Then later she started getting aggressive and telling me that I’m blaming her when I just want to know which guy it was. It’s one of two guys but I think I narrowed him down. Just not 100% sure yet. She will never tell me the truth and now my older brother(38yr old) who lives with her and is special needs was given a DNA test by our little brother(my half brother 33yr old) and she kicked my special needs brother out of the house for agreeing to take the DNA test.
Just wanted to wish you good luck. Updateme!
What is the saying? A dumpster fire in a train wreck?
Walk away from all parents with your siblings, half, full or otherwise.
Support each other
Life’s to short to live this soap opera
Before you do anything, see a counselor.
I would just reach out to him over social media, and tell him about the test. Let him know what your intentions are (do you just want to know who your father is, do you want a relationship if some kind with him…etc.) and that you’d like to have another test with him to confirm paternity, or deny it. Give him time to think about it, and if he agrees then do the test and keep the possible parentage private, until you know without a doubt. I know someone personally who went through something similar, and having that peace of mind about where you come from alleviates SO much uncertainty.
Regarding your mom…give yourself the time and space you need to process all of this new information. She does not want to take accountability for her actions, which led you and your siblings parentage to come into question. Knowing this, maintain the kind of relationship you’re comfortable maintaining with her in the future. This might be a distant one where you see her sparingly, and share little personal information. Alternatively, this could be your breaking point in terms of any kind of relationship with her. Continue to love and support your brothers, and help them with their own journeys if you are able.