My (20F) boyfriend (20M) of 2+ years have been in a good relationship and both sides’ parents know of this relationship.
Side note I’m Chinese and he’s Vietnamese. My mom and dad don’t speak English but his parents both speak English.
My boyfriend “Dave” has never been close with my side of the family due to communication problems and I would always translate between him and my family. Both my parents made racist comments about Vietnamese people. My dad immediately disapproved of him once he knew he was Vietnamese. (This was over phone call and my dad lives very very far, his first question was: you got a bf? And his second question was: is he Chinese?). During a recent dinner together my mom and aunt (moms sister) both kept talking about how I should get a Chinese boyfriend and how my boyfriend should help me financially including paying for everything and getting a place for the both of us. I don’t like that idea and we’ve been living together and splitting everything half way. I was really offended because they both said that right in front of my boyfriend and even though he doesn’t know Chinese I found it disrespectful.
For the past two years, his mom has always paid for our tickets to go visit another state where he is from during Christmas. However for Lunar New Year, my mom and aunt wants to spend time together in NY where my aunt recently bought a house. They only invited me and when I asked if my boyfriend can come, they kept pushing it and saying that only I am invited but not him. I told them that unless my boyfriend is also invited that I would not be going.
Just a couple of hours ago, my mom and aunt wanted to hand off red packets to me and again they emphasized that it was only for me and not for my boyfriend. I’m kind of speechless. Everytime I see his side of the family for Christmas and New Years they always give me money (equal or a bit less than my bf). The red packet isn’t what is important but the gesture is. Again I told them that if they are not find to include my boyfriend then I will not be taking it.
What do I do to fix this unequal treatment coming from my side of the family for the issue of just being a different race?
TLDR: my side of the family excludes and dislikes bf over his race while his family is supportive and makes me feel welcomed
2 comments
Unfortunately, you are probably not going to be able to fix your parents racism, and you may have to end up choosing between your boyfriend and your parents.
If you see a long term relationship with this man, you will have to be clear with your family that either they accept him, or you won’t be in contact with them. It is not fair to subject your boyfriend to your racist parents.
And you will have to decide if that’s something you are willing to sacrifice. If you decide to marry him, would you be okay with your parents not attending your wedding? If later on you choose to have children, would you be okay with your parents never meeting their grandchild?
It is just something serious to consider as you move forward. Not to diminish you, but a 2 year relationship at 2 years old is not very long in the grand scheme of things, and you’ll have to decide if he’s worth losing your racist family over.
Two years together, a great relationship, and your family hasn’t warmed up to your BF at all? Ugh.
OP, there is nothing you can do to change the shitty attitude of your racist family members. All you can do is what you’ve already done, namely to refuse to be around them and do fun things with them if your BF is not invited. If they love you, sooner or later (let’s hope sooner) they will realize that if you are forced to choose him over them, you will – and eventually, they will no longer be welcome in your life. If that’s not acceptable to them, then maybe – MAYBE – they will at least start being superficially nice and polite to your BF, even if they still hold racist attitudes.
The only other thing that may soften their racism is if you and your BF eventually have kids. Grandkids have been known to melt many a hard, racist heart. Rarely, people will go in the opposite direction, and consider their grandchildren “tainted” by the unwelcome parent’s blood. If they are that horrible, you probably don’t want them in your life anyway, and certainly you will need to protect your children from them. I’m sorry you have to deal with this sad situation.