For context, my (31F) boyfriend (44M) of 2 years says he wants to get engaged/marry me/have kids, and in that order. He says he doesn’t even want me to move in with him until the end of the year and won’t consider engagement before that. He told me last year that he didn’t want to start trying for a baby til he was 45, which is at the end of this year, but is now saying he doesn’t even want to move in together before that time, obviously pushing back a baby making timeline even further. He’s cagey about committing to actual timeline for us to get married and start a family, and instead says he “wants to take it slow” and “let things flow naturally”. He also hasn’t told his family (who he is very close to) about his plans with me.
We had a fight last year where he said he wasn’t even sure if he wanted that kind of life, which I told him would be a dealbreaker for me. He moved past it and says now that he does want those things, and wants them with me. I’m still deeply concerned that he was having those kind of second thoughts at (then) 43, I feel you should know what you want by then. I don’t want to move in with him at the end of the year without a commitment (like getting engaged) because his flip flopping around on what he wants is making me feel uneasy and insecure. How would you deal with this situation if you were in my shoes?
TLDR; my (31f) boyfriend (44m) keeps changing our relationship timeline and I think he might be stringing me along.
29 comments
You said he moved past it but did he? It doesn’t sound like it.
It’s actually better to know about his indecision now. My friend met a man who wanted to get married, buy a house and have a child. He wanted it more than her. She obliged. The second she got pregnant he said he wasn’t sure and he left the house and she never saw him again.
Anyway maybe you need a break from the relationship. You’re at a critical age for this sort of decision. Breaks reset their appreciation of you and it would give you guys both much needed clarity.
He keeps moving the goalposts, hun. Now it’s time for you to figure out whether or not you’re still willing to play the game.
He can only string you along if you allow it, why does he get to make decisions that will affect you,why are you passively watching your life pass you by? You can decide to end it and find someone else, how long are you willing to give him and if kids are in your plans how long are you going to wait for? This is your life, live it because at 40-45 you can’t decide a do over and reclaim lost time. Give set dates to yourself, start dating yourself, invest in you, and have you ever thought maybe he’s not telling his family about you because there’s someone else they have in mind and they mightn’t be welcome of you? Don’t be easy, he calls you’ve got plans and nope you can’t break them for him, whether it’s going out or staying in alone watching bad movies and drinking cheap wine, you’re being far too accommodating and he’s using you as a place holder.
I’m concerned that he is just saying he wants marriage, etc, to keep you around, as he knows what you want. He may have no such intentions. If he did you’d be getting a ring.
Whether he’s intending to string you along or not is besides the point. You guys don’t seem to be on the same page on some pretty fundamental parts of being in a relationship – living together and having kids. If you can’t get on the same page, there’s no real point continuing.
He’s avoided marriage and kids for 44 years. I’m wondering how many other women he strung along before you came into his life.
Don’t waste any more time on a guy who has commitment issues.
Sounds like he is stringing you.
A more reasonable thing would be like if he said “I’m just not comfortable making a lifetime commitment until we’ve lived together for a year and dated for about three. I’m sorry and I understand if that means we can’t be together. If we moved in together now, assuming everything goes well we could start trying this time next year.”
That’s a concrete plan with reasons for his slowness and a solid timeline. “Let it flow naturally” is fine for your twenties, but my the time you’re in your early thirties, that is basically a decision to not have kids. It’s cruel but it’s biology. Someone who is 40+ should have a clear idea of what they want – or if not, they should be completely open about that, not flip flopping. And being indecisive at that age is, again, a decision not to have kids.
To be honest whether he’s consciously stringing you or not I think you should leave – you don’t have time to wait around or to take a chance on someone you think is capable of doing that. That’s easier said then done obviously and it’s not my life.
Despite the fact that society would leave you to believe that men’s fertility is everlasting over the centuries, this isn’t really true, and the age of the father during conception can have an impact on the likelyhood of a successful and healthy embryo/child. He is already fairly old to be a first time father and even if he does stand by the idea of having children in a couple of years, he’ll be in his sixties by the time the child is hitting their teenage years.
To answer your question, I’m not going to give your partner the compassion and understanding that others have given him. I think he is absolutely stringing you along, and is probably dating younger women intentionally because this means he has the time frame to be able to do it, all while enjoying your youth. A woman just a few years older than you wouldn’t accept this kind of delay, especially if she wanted a family.
The fact he keeps moving the goalposts and isn’t even willing to live with you after two years is a red flag, even if we ignore the fact he hasn’t shared any plans with family and doesn’t have an idea of when/if he wants to marry you.
Personally, if marriage and a family are what you want in your life, I would cut your losses and just find somebody who is more on your wave length. You’ll still need to spend time getting to know them and working out what you both want, and you still have plenty of time to do that at your age. You may not have the same amount of freedom and time if you wait on your current “boyfriends” non-existent and ambiguous timeline.
> He moved past it
No he didn’t.
You ever wonder how a guy who supposedly wants to get married and have kids made it to 45 without doing those things?
I didn’t even have to read it all to know he’s dragging. Take the age gap into consideration, and your time is coming up your 31, and he’s 44and your going to be in a whirl of trouble because he’s already at the point that he won’t be able to handle a kid so that means you’ll be doing all the work as a house wife a mother and if you work a provider because his age will will eventually play a factor into your life and the roles you play.
You can only be strung along if you allow it. That’s what it looks like he’s doing. Now, what are you going to do? Wait indefinitely? He’s old, if he’s still giving you the run around for no good reason either he doesn’t want to get married at all or he just doesn’t want to marry you. But you do know what you want and if he’s doesn’t want the same then you’re wasting your time.
Yes he is stringing you along by moving the goal posts further and further down the line. He’s not being honest with you about the future because he knows you will leave if he admits marriage and kids aren’t in the cards.
He doesn’t want to marry you and he doesn’t want to have kids with you.
First of all : wtf with the age gap ? Girl… You can find so much better, you’re too old for the “naive young girl falls for older mature-looking guy” crap.
Second : you want engagement before even seeing what it’s like to live together ? That’s… not how it works. First you live together, THEN you get engaged, because after a year or two of living together you made sure that you are compatible.
Dump him, find a guy your age, if the feeling is good move in together, and then go from there.
The man is 45, he ain’t changing. He’s just telling you whatever you need to hear to keep you around. Time to go.
Doesn’t sound like he wants to “let things flow naturally”, it sounds like he wants to dictate everything and expects you to just go along for the ride with him never compromising or asking what you want. I know it’s a very brief summary of your relationship on Reddit but it sounds like he’s stringing you along and keeping you around as a placeholder.
If things continue on this path, you’ll hit menopause before he makes a move, and it’ll be too late. If your future and his don’t coincide, you’re not compatible, and I would advise finding someone who is more aligned with your goals. This guy seems to be stalling for some reason that I don’t have enough information on to decide upon. Something is fishy in Denmark.
Sounds like you both have different wants and that’s completely ok. Don’t let him hold you back from what you want. And if he doesn’t truly want that life, you will end up being resentful if he isn’t really in it. You can totally find someone who wants the same things.
If I were in your shoes I’d be very clear about my expectations. Don’t be shy or sugar coat. And ask him what he truly wants. If both his wants AND actions don’t align then you may have to break off from him and re-evaluate.
Although his actions so far from what you have mentioned doesn’t seem to align with yours. That’s ok. Breakups can be painful….but you may have to just move on.
Time is the only thing we can’t get back. Age is affected by time. The older you get the more difficult it will be for kids. 30 you still have time in my opinion. Since he’s a bit older it might be difficult to to constantly wait.
It doesn’t have to be on his terms. If he doesn’t want to commit to you….. find someone else who will and has the same wants and values.
I work with a woman whose husband supposedly wanted kids, it was just never a good time. He ran out her biological clock. She went so far as to leave him and he became much nicer and convinced her to come back but soon reverted to his usual, ugly self. Last year he announced he would no longer share his income even though she moved for him so that he could have a better job and she ended up with a worse job.
Don’t let him string you along. If you want marriage and kids break up and move on. Even if he proposes it doesn’t mean you will end up married. Even if you end up married it doesn’t mean you will have kids. It sounds like he wants to keep you hanging in there but doesn’t actually want any commitment or responsibility.
Sounds like he’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear to keep you around as long as possible. If he wanted to marry you he would.
He doesn’t want the same things you do. He wants to keep you because it’s easy he gets what he wants and doesn’t have to truly commit. If you want a family move on and find a man who will have those things with you.
Yep. He’s stringing you along.
>he wasn’t even sure if he wanted that kind of life
He doesn’t want those things. He’s telling you what he thinks you want to hear so that you’ll stick around.
If he wanted to commit to you, he would do that. If he wanted to get engaged, he would propose. All this schedule changing and “taking it slow” is eating up years of YOUR life that you could be spending with someone who actively wants the things you want.
I think it’s a good idea to live together before making any kind of commitment.. you never really know someone till you live with them and move in together in my opinion. I get the whole flip flopping but it’s what’s needed sometimes to figure out what’s best
Unfortunately, you both want different things from life. Be the one to end this and find the person that deserves you!
Dump him. He’s leading you on and you are running out of time to get pregnant. You don’t want the same things obviously. Just imagine a guy your age with the same goals. Then you won’t have such an old husband.
I think its very strange to delay moving in together this long at your respective ages. If you’ve been dating a year you should be living together to find out how compatible you are for a future together (unless neither of you want that). I know people who moved in after 6 months or less because it makes so much more financial and practical sense, plus how else will you know if you can build a life together if you don’t live together for a decent period of time?
It sounds like he enjoys his freedom and doesn’t really want marriage, living together, or a baby (if he really wanted thise things, I feel like he couod have found them before 44) – but because of your age he thinks he can probably keep you around for a couple more fun years by pretending he might come around. Anyone this hesitant to even move in doesn’t sound like they will be ready for the commitment of a baby on your timeline and perhaps not ever. The last thing you want is someone who is just going through the motions – you deserve a partner who shares your dreams.
Honestly, it sounds like he is dangling what you want in front of you so you will stay. But doesn’t plan to actually follow through. He is wasting your time. He can have kids until the day he dies, women have a short window to have kids in. He is letting your clock run out.
Why would you even want to have kids with someone that is doubtful? Imagine if you do pressure him and Y’all have kids , you would remind yourself all the time that did not want to even have kids in the first place. Not so sound mean but it’s the cold truth.
He is stringing you along.
He is 13 years older than you and is still a bachelor. He chose that life. He was only willing to consider a family in hopes of not losing you, but it sounds like he is pushing himself out of his comfort zone. I think you two want different things in life and he is scared to admit it because that would mean a breakup.
Nevertheless it is not fair to you to string you along like this, especially knowing that pregnancy risks rise the longer you wait. His fertility is also questionable as he is significantly older than you and while man lose their fertility slower, they still lose it.
I would cut my losses if I were you. But it is your decision and you need to figure out the plan that works best for you.