My partner and I have been together for 6 years. We’ve lived together for 4. And our sex life is absolutely terrible (for me) though my partner says they are happy with it. I am neurotypical and my partner has AuDHD.
It has always been kinda bad, in the beginning I chalked it up to inexperience on my partner’s part. Things started to improve a bit, but then we moved in together and it has been all down hill since then.
We hardly ever have sex now. Maybe once every 2 months or so. I am the one who initiates it 99% of the time. It sucks because I primarily have a responsive type of desire. I really enjoy sexual tension and build up. I’ve told my partner that, ideally, if we want to have sex at 8pm that night that I need the flirting to start around lunch and let it build up throughout the day. They have never once attempted to follow through with this at any point in time. It isn’t like I need that every single time, but it is something that I really really miss that was an aspect of my prior relationships.
In the 1% of the times they have initiated it, it has been terrible. They literally just reach out and grope my breasts (i have, multiple times, told them I do not like my breasts being touched except for when I am already turned on).
When we are having sex, it feels so.. mechanical. Like they are going through a checklist in their mind. They don’t pay attention to the way I respond. There is no reading of my body language. No deviation from the list. There is no connection. No emotional aspect to the sex at all. At the end of it I honestly feel worse than if we hadnt had sex at all. It makes me feel used, like I am nothing but a fleshlight to them, even though I am the one who wanted to bang in the first place.
My partner just doesnt care about sex. If they never had it again, he’d be just fine with it. It just isn’t something they think about. They dont really masterbate that I know of (they say they dont at all), while I find myself doing it nearly every day. They arent on any medications that would inhibit sex drive either.
Is there anything that can save this? Or is this just the way it is because of neurodivergence?
I just feel so shitty about our relationship, and it is primarily the sex. My partner is wonderful in most every other aspect. But I feel so unattractive, unwanted, and unloved.
I’m so sick of crying over something as stupid as sex. I wish I could just kill my libido entirely and be happy. But I am not.
Anyone got anything?
20 comments
Are you sure it’s because of the neurodivergence? Sad to say, what you describe isn’t unheard of for lots of couples after moving in together.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! But yeah I don’t think this is about being neurodivergent, having ADHD or autism doesn’t stop a person from enjoying or being good at sex. But it does sound like you guys maybe aren’t sexually compatible, or at least that they may be asexual or have a low sex drive. Definitely worth having a frank conversation with your partner about what both of you want out of the relationship sexually. And if they can’t meet your needs, you have to consider if that’s something you can live with.
It’s totally okay that sex is an important aspect of a relationship for you, it is for a lot of us! And it’s completely valid to reconsider a relationship that’s great in all other aspects because you don’t feel sexually fulfilled. You should never feel guilt or shame about wanting a healthy, happy sex life
Did a double-take, at first glance read the title as your partner being a 6-year-old.
If there’s no compatibility about sex then one or both partners in a relationship might feel depressed, stressed, inadequate, unattractive, undesired. This cannot be fixed with therapy. Lack of experience is one thing, but after 6 years there should be plenty. Lack of desire is something else.
Tell them everything in this post, tell them they need to fix this as this is making you unhappy. I don’t know if you will be able to have sex more often but surely you can ask they make each time more memorable.
Polyamory.
There is a remarkably high acceptance of polyamory lifestyles among of AudHD and other neuro divergence.
Probe into the possibility that you’re partner could be ok if you were to seek out a secondary partner primarily for sex.
But also discuss your existing sex life with them. If they’re satisfied with frequency then look for secondary outlets. But really find out if there are another issues at play as well.
>I’m so sick of crying over something as stupid as sex.
Sex is a bit like air. When you have it, you don’t pay that much attention to it. When you don’t have it…
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to end relationships over severe sexual incompatibility. Everyone has the right to feel loved and wanted, and if you let feelings of resentment fester, they will start eating away at the rest.
Reading the comments I can tell there are SO many people that don’t understand the effects of the combination of ADHD and Autism. I would recommend you and your partner sit down and have a conversation about what you want and how you two should approach a solution. Does your partner attend therapy? Are they getting any treatment for these disorders? Are you two comfortable around each other?
Many times an individual with asd won’t be as susceptible to certain reactions or behaviors exhibited by others. And oftentimes ADHD makes it difficult to maintain focus during certain activities, or perhaps he forgets what you like or what you don’t like. Unfortunately these communities suffer from things like dysfunctional working memory or memory loss.
I’m not trying to invalidate your experience because sex is a very important aspect of a romantic relationship. You’re entitled to having your sexual needs met, consensually, in your relationship and I empathize with you.
I don’t think the problem is about your partner not wanting sex with you, it is most likely a functionality issue. You two operate differently.
With this issue, for now, a quick fix would be to try and keep communication during the act. Perhaps if you’re familiar with bdsm you two could try and incorporate something like that into the bedroom e.i. commanding him, praising him when something feels good, switching positions to bring the focus back and keep it engaging. Long-term, I think seeking some type of treatment for the health of the relationship overall would help tremendously.
Even though this is an issue in your relationship, I think you two will be able to work it out and I admire that you ask for advice to better your relationship.
It can be hard to connect and keep a stable romantic relationship when you have asd or adhd, but I think if you two work together the reward will heavily outweigh the effort.
Good Luck in your relationship!
Everyone is different but it’s not just because he’s autistic, my last two sexual partners have autism and that’s never been an issue. Sounds like they may be kind of asexual :/
just because you share disorders doesn’t mean you HAVE to be together
if you were just any other normal couple, everyone would just say break up due to mismatched sex drives
Have you said all of this to your partner? What is their response?
As a human with ADHD and ASD, I have an average or above average libido and am a hopeless romantic. I can assure you he just doesn’t care about sex, and it doesn’t have anything to do with his condition and/or with you. I can also assure you that it won’t change on any significant level; he sounds selfish.
Have you ever thought of or considered having an open relationship? I know i would suggest it to my partner if I knew i wasn’t satisfying them sexually but we were happy in every other aspect in the relationship
I have nothing to truly contribute to this conversation other than “I feel you.” My ex-partner had ASD and sex was exactly the way you described—mechanical, unresponsive, and also on schedule like German trains. No amount of communication helped. It drove me to madness and I left. I really wish you luck though, in either figuring it out or finding someone more compatible. You deserve it.
r/asexuality
Sex isn’t a stupid thing to worry about. It’s a valid part of intimacy and relationships for many people. If you’ve communicated your needs with your partner and they’re not trying to meet you half way, then to me, that means it’s not a healthy or worthwhile relationship.
A relationship can fall apart by circumstance or being a bad fit, not just by someone screwing up or being a bad partner. You can love someone but still not be a good partner for them.
Im autistic. I can leave a long comment breaking down your post per paragraph, talking about what about it could be autism and what couldn’t.
But this is not because of neurodivergence. Your partner is inconsiderate. Do with that what you will.
Sounds like what I know about autism. Lack of interpreting social ques, etc. Some guys are just like this. Been with many. I honestly don’t think ive been with anyone that flirted all day prior.
You could try couples counseling. People with autism can learn to do things because they’re taught but you probably can’t expect him to do it on his own.
I work in mental health and have numerous patients who have autism and have several family members as well.
You might need to change your expectations or you decide that you’re not compatible. I have a couple of patients who have autism that finally found a partner who also had autism and they were much more compatible and didn’t have the issues of a partner being unhappy or discontent.
Idk why you’re blaming this on them being autistic, this just sounds like a bog standard selfish or lazy partner. I’ve had an autistic FWB in the past who was a lot more aware of making an effort to focus on body language etc.
Like, personally, this would have been a deal breaker before one year…why on earth have you stuck around for six? You know you’re very much allowed to break up with someone for being terrible in bed, especially if there’s been zero improvement, right?