Since turning 18 I’ve hooked up with a few guys, but almost all of them have been rough with me out of nowhere. Two of them tried to choke me. I don’t understand why they starting doing it out of the blue like that.

32 comments

  1. This is what happens when they get advice from porn and they view it as a hookup instead of long term. Talk to them before hand about what you like and/or hookup with older guys.

  2. Yes, from what I’ve heard from the women among my friends. Very often, hookups are to sex when dumpster sushi is to nutrition.

  3. Cuz its just a hook up to them – partnered masturbation. They dont know you, they dont have any incentive to care about you or your feelings – you are just using each other for self gratification.

  4. Because you’re engaging with guys who are little more than strangers for all intents and purposes. They don’t often care how comfortable you are, it’s more about what they’re into.

    This is the same vein as when women bemoan how/why men they hook up with don’t try to make them orgasm. Again, it’s a hookup. If you want someone to care about you sexually, have sex with someone who you already established a connection/relationship with first.

  6. Because they DGAF about you. Be more vocal about your preferences, get familiar with consent, and kick out any guy who violates your wishes.

  7. It’s porn and social media humor/memes. Getting their sex education from people who have already banged 100+ people or who stand to profit off posting more extreme sexual humor. I first saw internet porn at 13ish in 2005. Still love watching to this day though it is easier for me to separate what is acceptable in that context vs actual sex. Must be really hard for people going through puberty and starting to explore sex right now.

  8. You are going to have to start talking about boundaries and expectations before you even meet up. I learned this the hard way after many painful things were done to me before I could stop them from happening.

    And you can always speak up in the moment too, shut everything down if you need to. Consent can be revoked at anytime

  9. Maybe you could try talking to them about it beforehand (want it sensual/slow/things that are off limits)?

    ⚠️ have a safe word!

  10. Not porn, previous partners. Choking was never a fantasy of mine untill previous partners told me they would have liked being choked a little (or other rough things). Each time I got such feedback my desire to be rough has just grown, and it has become a fantasy I still have while I am single, meaning it became my own.

    An ex fwb once started using her nails on me without discussing it ahead of time, really grabbing onto me with both her hands all the time. I actually liked it but had to stop a few times to remove her hand and tell her to calm down a bit. It’s not always men who are too rough without asking about it, but of course men do it more often.

  11. Porn, mostly. But they also don’t know you and therefore don’t care about you.. They may be using you to fulfill some twisted control fantasy that they wouldn’t otherwise bring into the bedroom with someone they legitimately wanted/respected.

  12. WTF is wrong with people?? If someone started to choke me I would call the cops on them.

  13. Hi OP, sorry to hear…I think you should really focus on what it is pleasurable for you and vocalize that to these hook ups.

    If they’re not willing to listen then run.

  15. Like everyone else has said it’s porn. If you’re going on a hookup a good question to ask is what porn your potential partner is into. If they list off a load of kink sites then they are likely to have some rough tendencies. If they say amateur or something then they won’t be as rough.

  19. So when you’re arranging to meet these guys aren’t you having a conversation like ‘so what stuff are you into sexually’?

  20. Some people say its because of porn, maybe it is, but I think thats the easy answer because people love to blame everything on (not saying its good either)

    But maybe it’s because they like it that way. If it’s a hookup they can be more rough because they aren’t gonna see you anymore so they don’t keep anything and they do it how they really want/like.

    If you are meting a girl and you want something more serios, in general, we tend to be more careful/delicate with things we do, and go gradually from there proposing more rough sex.

  21. It’s become more “normal.” They think you ought to expect it and not be surprised. You should never be choking someone you just met without asking them if they’re okay with that first.

  25. This is a personal opinion but, as a guy, but I do *not* like hook ups.

    I find that you know so very little about each other, literally next to nothing about each others bodies, boundaries, likes, dislikes, kinks, fantasies and have no real emotions towards one another other than shallow attraction.

    To me, it feels more like masturbation but worse. One of the two leaves feeling used, and the other kind of satisfied. I was on the used end.

    I’m sure there’s plenty of people out there that enjoy them, but maybe pursue a proper relationship with someone you have genuine sexual chemistry with? Communication, trust, and the desire to make e*ach other* feel good rather than yourselves, is what elevates the experience.

    In a healthy sexual relationship, you get to properly communicate your boundaries, kinks, fantasies, likes and dislikes. As you develop trust and get more and more comfortable with one another, you try more and more.

    You’ve been dealing with men that know next to nothing about you, and just want to get off, mix in the obvious porn influence and lack of respect for you, and you have that mess.

    Go find someone who deserves you, not idiots like them.

  27. Some of these comments are revolting. It’s not because you don’t deserve respect for hooking up with men, that’s misogynistic bullshit.

    Kick anyone to the curb who doesn’t ask for consent when doing something in bed that might harm you. Those are garbage men.

    Edit: Jfc some of these comments are so telling. Men, if you don’t respect her, don’t touch her, the hell is wrong with you.

  28. Hookups girls are the fuck’m and leav’m chicks. They are tool to relieve sexual frustration or live out their porn fantasy..

  30. Because they’re idiots watching to much porn. Dumbasses!!!🤦‍♂️I apologize on behalf of all decent men!!!

  31. For a lot of American men porn is the norm or their base line for sexual behavior. They’re having sex not necessarily having sex with you.

  32. Some men like pushing boundaries. If they can get you to do something that doesn’t feel comfortable for their pleasure, they get an ego boost. Men who respect women won’t even think of violent sex.

    But most men who are into hookups are just selfish and are using your body to masterbate. It’s very hard to get a guy that doesn’t like you to even think your pleasure.

    If it doesn’t add to his pleasure, you receiving pleasure is at the bottom of his list and they milk it for as long as you don’t kick them out. They are aware what they’re doing is wrong because when they receive the same treatment they are very vocal and angry. They just see women as an opportunity to orgasm and it’s sick and predatory.

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