My (F 32) husband’s (M 38) mental illness is ruining our lives (TW mentions of Suicide)

Obligatory “sorry on mobile” “sorry very long rant”

TLDR: Husband out of work for several months due to illness, believes he’s not(can’t) getting any better. Exhausted being the sole provider, caretaker, and running the household. Feeling alone/loss of identity. Miss our lives before illness.

My (32 F) husband (38 M) has suffered from anxiety, PTSD, and agoraphobia since he was a teenager. It controls every aspect of his life from what jobs he takes to who he could date and actually caused him to drop out of highschool. Despite that he was able to maintain a mostly normal life that just didn’t include travel. He largely had his panic attacks and other symptoms under control, he was on meds that worked for him and even got to a place where he felt he no longer needed weekly therapy. We met and fell in love about ten years ago. Married in 2021. He is without a doubt the kindest, most gentle, peaceful soul I’ve ever met. He’s selfless to a fault, witty and outgoing and finds purpose in helping others. He’s my best friend. He makes me want to be a better person.

I started to notice some personality changes in him in 2019 after a traumatic life change. Working in the ER during COVID made things worse. He was starting to show signs of depression. He laughed less, stayed home more, became more suspicious and anxious more often. We got him into therapy again and saw a lot of improvement over the next year. By the time we got married he was mostly back to he happy outgoing man I fell in love with.

In March of last year my husband started a new job the same week we moved into a new apartment and it took a huge toll on him mentally. He had a serious mental break down (feeling like he was constantly stuck in a panic attack, couldn’t stop trembling, severe paranoia and feeling of doom) he couldn’t get off the couch for days and started having suicidal thoughts. Our family and I got him into a mental hospital outpatient program and he took a little over a month off work.

After daily therapy and changing his medication for the first time in almost 20 years he was feeling a little better. He was really nervous about going back to work but we were getting pretty desperate living on just my income, even with me doing ride shares at night. Unfortunately things started going downhill again fast. Those symptoms came back and he was feeling them every day. He felt constantly afraid and paranoid. Every day was a struggle and he started picking up some unhealthy coping mechanisms, and picked up some interests (sexual in nature) that were really unlike him. Worst of all he turned his suspicions and paranoia towards me (asking why I was home 30 min. late, why I shaved or painted my nails. Implying that I wasn’t being faithful.) That part hurt the most.

He had another mental break down and stopped working in early November. He was suicidal again and in an inpatient facility for a while. He barely sleeps, has nightmares constantly, and lost 12 pounds because he never has an appetite. This time he’s getting some short term disability from his job but it not enough to cover his portion of bills so we’ve really been struggling the past 3 months. He’s doing TMS and EMDR and has weekly visits with his psychiatrist and psychologist. They have him on new antidepressants again and an antipsychotic. But so far he says he hasn’t had any relief. He’s still constantly terrified, paranoid, and hypervigilant, as if something is always about to pop out from around the next corner and hurt him.

I feel so awful for him, I can’t imagine how hard this must be to live with. I’m frustrated because I don’t know how to help and I’m so unbelievably stressed out from all of our late bills and having to borrow money from family every month. I feel like such an awful person for admitting this but I feel resentful too. I feel less like a partner these days and more like a caretaker. It feels like all I do every day is ask how he’s doing, try to soothe him, remind him he’s safe, beg him to journal or do his meditation exercises. This is on top of still coming home to make his dinner and clean up every night, he tries to stay on top of the housework and groceries and making appointments and managing our bills etc…but usually just isn’t up to it so it’s all fallen on me. I guess the most frustrating part is his own belief that nothing is getting better, that his life is over, and nothing will ever be the same again. He’s incredibly stubborn. To the point that once he believes something is true there’s not a thing in the world anyone can say to tell him otherwise. And he believes he’s “insane” When I ask him his definition of insane he says “constant hallucinations, unable to go to the bathroom by themselves, unable to feed themselves.” And I tell him that doesn’t describe him at all, but he’s 100% convinced that it will soon and if that starts to happen he’s going to “end it.”

I acknowledge that something really isn’t right. I can see how bad this is for him. But on the outside it looks like he’s had some better days lately. But because of his belief that he’s not improving, it feels like he’s just going through the motions of therapy and his treatments. His therapist and psychiatrist have told him that he’s absolutely not going to get better if he doesn’t stop convincing himself that his life is over. His PCP referred him to several specialists who have all assured him there’s nothing physically wrong with him. No brain tumors or mystery illnesses. His therapist is actually referring him to someone else because she doesn’t feel like she can offer him any more help.Absolutely nothing I or his doctors or our family say comfort him in the slightest. He brushes us all off. He still has suicidal thoughts and literally every day he tells me we should get a divorce because he doesn’t want to drag me down anymore, that this isn’t the life he wants for me.

His disability is almost up and he says he can’t go back to work. That he doesn’t want to work there anymore anyway, but won’t put in any other job applications or apply for gov. disability. He’s obsessively worried about money and the only solution he can come up with is to give up everything. Move back in with his parents where he would have no bills and no pressure to provide for a family. He’d pretty much abandon me to escape that anxiety. Even though he admits he doesn’t want to be apart from me and would be completely devastated. And even though I know he’s the kind of person who says a lot of stuff but doesn’t actually follow through with it, it breaks my heart to hear.

I feel like I’m at the end of the rope. I’m so drained, stressed, exhausted. I miss who my husband used to be. I miss dates and surprises and having a partner who pulls their weight. His mental illness isn’t just completely taking over his life but mine as well. Everything we do, think, and say revolves around it. He feels like he doesn’t have an identity outside of his anxiety any longer and I feel like I don’t have an identity outside of caretaker any longer. I’m tired of being pushed away and so terrified that maybe he’s right. Maybe he will really never get better. I keep telling him I love him and I’ve made a commitment to him I intend to keep. But I’m starting to wonder if I should agree to separate and let him move back home. I’m afraid I’m being selfish and forcing him to continue fighting instead of letting him give in and give up the life we’ve built together. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want my marriage to end. I don’t want to be divorced. I just want him to be healthy again. But it feels like we’re totally stuck in this limbo, just waiting to see if tomorrows the day he feels strong enough to go back to work or at least put in an application somewhere, even part time.

I don’t know where to go from here. I want my husband back. I want my life back. I’m so tired of this thing defining us.