I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now. Our relationship is amazing but I find that my boyfriend is much more of a homebody than I tend to be at this stage in my life.
I have struggled severely with depression and spent nearly two years of my life in my bed. In college I literally wouldn’t even leave my single dorm to go to class at times, or get food because I was so depressed and felt I didn’t even deserve to eat. It was a horrific time. I then spent a good amount of time in a very toxic and traumatic relationship that further worsened my mental health. All of this on top of COVID hitting it’s prime the last two years of my college experience, I literally never left my house or got to experience anything or live my life.
Now at 23 in a much healthier mental space, I want to go out on the weekends and experience life. I don’t have too many friends, the ones I do have live far away and I spend the weekends with my boyfriend (we live three hours apart). However the problem comes where he does not like to go out, like at all. He doesn’t have any mental health issues besides occasional anxiety and doesn’t fully understand my experience with depression. I will ask him to go somewhere and he is so hesitant and ends up telling me no, that he would rather just stay in. I tell him that I need to be out around people sometimes for the sake of my mental health, and he just tells me “we have our whole lives to go out”. If we do end up having a date night, it is always me who makes the plan and asks him. Sometimes he will text me saying he wants to take me on a date night or hit the bars this weekend, and when the day comes he tells me he doesn’t feel like going anymore. It happens so often that I feel like he doesn’t want to be seen with me in public or something.
Last weekend it came to a head when he had promised a date night and would take me out, and then a couple hours before he said he didn’t want to go anymore. We got in an argument about this and he literally said that “staying inside doesn’t make him want to k!ll himself”, referencing my depression, which I told him was a fucking insensitive thing to say.
I feel like my life is passing me by and I don’t want to pass away without any stories or experiences to speak of. How should I address this?
TLDR; boyfriend never wants to go out with me. all of my friends live far away. I have overcome severe mental health issues that left me housebound for a couple years, I want to go out and live my life and have experiences but he doesn’t understand this.
47 comments
I mean, yes, your life IS passing you by.
Which is why “we have our whole lives to go out” is a ridiculous thing to say. When exactly does he plan for “life” to start? What’s he waiting for?
Go out with whatever friends you do have sometimes. He can stay in alone sometimes.
However. As you say, he is also brutally insensitive about your mental health history. Add his disregard for your socializing preferences, and his general incomptability, are you *sure* this is the guy you should be dating at all??
He’s a homebody and you’re not. Somebody’s gonna wind up unhappy in this one.
Sounds like your boyfriend has a bigger problem with anxiety than he is admitting to. He sounds like going out is really uncomfortable for him.
This is a classic anxiety pattern: commit to something when it’s far off, and your anxiety is low. Then skip doing it when it’s time to follow through, because your anxiety has really ramped up and you can’t face it anymore.
If this is indeed the problem, he probably needs therapy and/or meds.
And you will have to decide if you want to stay with him while he’s working through this issue.
Choose yourself. I’m not saying break up with him, but he’s choosing himself, so you owe it to yourself to prioritize your wants and needs. You know you need and want this type of experience, and your history has taught you this. The times for going out might be there in the future, but your 20s are going to end and some of things you can enjoy then won’t be as easily available or comfortable later. No one really likes the lone 35 year old in the club. And certainly there’s no guarantees that life remains the same – the pandemic taught all of us that.
He’s being a jerk and stringing you along with going out, so go out without him. He’s being disrespectful and rude about your health and experiences, so go out without him. Notice how he engineers things so that he gets what he wants all the time? You deserve to get what you want too, so go out without him. Start a class, group activity, meet new people in your area to go out with and organize bar or club fun. Enjoy yourself.
You two are incompatible, and just not a good fit for each other. Lots of guys will be happy to go out on dates and have a night out with you, and you should be with somebody like that instead.
I went through something similar, 20sM was engaged lost job then tried to climb back rejected so many times had another depression slump. Anxiety can be a cause as well, it depends on known mental disorders or whatever his situation is, he could be self-isolating, help him through it if he’s wanting to fix whatever is causing him to feel and do this. My fiancé left me and I had time to reflect and discuss it with other trusted people.
Also, if your partner is a decent person they don’t mind you making your own plans for yourself here and there, you have your own lives too! you can try to go together if they are willing to.
Soooo go out without him? Make your own plans, let him know he’s welcome to join you if he likes, otherwise he can chill at home and you’ll see him at the end of the night. It’s healthy and normal for you to have a life outside of your relationship, and he should support you in this.
You know you can go out and enjoy life with friends and acquaintances without your boyfriend, right?
Him staying at home while you go out is not only acceptable but…perfectly normal.
So I have to say I strangely relate to both of you. I too had Covid during my last two years and my mental health never fully recovered until I graduated. My grandfather actually died right before quarantine so top of that off with not being able to leave quarantine hit me really hard.
Then when I got back to school after doing two and a half semesters of online (which I absolutely hated) I ran into a separate problem. I was lonely as all hell. My best friend had transferred out of my school right before Covid and the friend I had leaned on afterwards had graduated and although she still lived nearby she didn’t make that much time for me now that we didn’t live right next to each other (story for another time). And while I had a couple of friends still there they lived off campus so I didn’t see them except for when we made plans to hang out.
Between all that and belonging to a major that forced me to spend a ton of time doing schoolwork I spent basically all the time myself and I really hated it. I thought it would be fine to be by myself for so long during quarantine but it just wasn’t.
But at the same time I do get the way your bf feels also. I’m not a huge fan of most people and I always feel that I get lost in larger crowds and become the shy kid in the corner. It’s a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy sometimes so I’ve gotten better at that but just in general I don’t love larger social situations and prefer smaller situations.
But you know what I do? I try. If my friends are going out to a bar I say that I’ll go and I’ll go hang out for an hour or two and then leave (I don’t drink which makes it super easy). I’m usually one of the first (if not THE first) people to leave but I don’t regret going for as long as I did. And if they’re doing some kind of smaller scale social activity I’m there and I’ll have a great time. And the compromise goes both ways where they’ll offer to stay in and hang out together.
This idea is what I feel like you need to bring up to your bf. He doesn’t have to do a ton of social situations or what have you but he should at least be willing to try and some of these larger things every once in a while. While most of the time you can do smaller things outside. I think you obviously start smaller and go from there but still I think that’s the conversation you need to have.
Sorry for the life story I just felt like it was important that I understand and have been through both sides of what you’re saying just to say that neither of you aren’t alone.
He may be scared(Like many and some I do Know of)Who have a PHOBIA about going out since Covid hit. He may be one of them. Timing sounds Dead ON with the two years you have been together with him. Or maybe he has his own mental issues and is just a Hermit. Introverted too. You need to decide how to take the ride with someone like this. They normally get worse with age. A woman can get old and grey waiting for a hermit. Either go out alone or find friends to go out with. This one is not going to be IT.
You two do not seem compatible any more. You are in a healthier place mentally but he is in a worse place. Unless he’s willing to get help (doesn’t sound like he thinks he has a problem) your relationship with him is not good for you. He might be an amazing person on his own terms but living life with his anxiety is pulling you down.
Seems like you may have our grown him. What you can try is maybe doing day activities. My 5pm, especially in the winter, I don’t feel like going out either. But earlier in the day I like going out for a hike, breakfast, brewery or whatever.
Also if you live in a HCOL area,
Now is a good time to maybe reconsider. We live in a very high one and I love the amenities it offers, however husband went through a long phase where he didn’t want to do anything either. So finally I was like why tf do we live here to be inside? Like let’s move someplace cheap and we will at least be saving money.
Also maybe invite your friends over to your place and host a dinner party or whatever. That way he doesn’t need to leave.
I’m very introverted and always prefer staying at home than going out being around people. Some people are just like that. It doesn’t mean they have mental health issues it just means they don’t want to go out. I’ve unfortunately have cancelled plans with friends because I just didn’t feel like socializing. I don’t have anxiety about going out or any other feeling except I love my space and don’t really like dealing with other people.
That being said I always made my relationship a priority. Date nights were never cancelled. They were something that was a necessity. If you have scheduled date nights then he needs to show up for you. He shouldn’t be your sole source of socializing though. You really need to find your own friends and not completely rely on him to do things. The best thing to do is sit down and talk to your boyfriend. Let him know that date nights are important to you and you need him to be present. If he is unable to give you that then you have to either come to terms with this being your life or move on. You can’t change him so trying to is just going to leave to resentments and frustration.
is there anyway you can compromise with outings and start with some baby steps? speaking from someone who is was in his place at one point, i went from being single and enjoying my own company to being in a relationship with someone who constantly wanted to do things that i found extremely mentally draining and overstimulating. specifically because of the setting (constantly meeting new people, loud, drinking, anxiety ridden as fuck) maybe you guys could try just going for a nice walk or even walking to pick up some takeout or coffee? but if your idea of date night and spending time together is solely hitting the bars and being in loud / overstimulating environments i can see his frustration and constant refusal. i always felt trapped like even if i gave some leeway to compromise i always got wore down into doing something i wasn’t feeling up to, so my compromise quickly turned into flat out refusal in order to protect my sanity
It doesn’t matter what he’s going through, look at his actions, not his words.
Stop trying to argue with someone who is clearly expressing what they mean. The way you address this is by finding friends to go out with and going out with them. Do not travel three hours to see him on weekends, find other people to go out with.
He needs therapy. In the short term do you have friends you can plan outings with, just so you aren’t stuck at home while he deals with it?
Maybe it’s agoraphobia
I was just like your boyfriend and guess what? My ex made the difficult decision to leave me because of it. It hurt like hell, but honestly it was a wake up call and I can say I’ve become a better person as a result. Looking back, I understand why she left and I just hope she’s happier now wherever she is.
It’s okay that he doesn’t want to go out and it’s okay that you do but you have to get out there and start making friends before you resent him for something that isn’t his fault. Even if he did want what you wanted you still need friends, you can’t just depend on one person for everything. Start trying new hobbies whether it’s a recreational sports team or some kind of art class or any other activity that you might be able to find other people in your area online that are also interested in it like a Facebook group. The date night issue is a problem though and he needs to start keeping up his end of the relationship or else he’s not putting effort into it and shouldn’t be with you if he’s not willing to.
One way or another, if you stay home every weekend and never go out, you will regret it. It will cause you to resent your boyfriend big time as well. You need to have a more serious conversation with him about this. Go out without him if he refuses to go, but don’t let life pass you by as you wait for him to get over his social anxiety
You are right. At the moment you are spending three hours of your life every weekend to go see someone and sit in their apartment all weekend.
The way he lived suited you when you were in a bad place and unable to go out yourself.
But it sounds like you have outgrown what he has to offer.
He is allowed to not want to go out. And you are allowed to say “ this situation has started to make me unhappy”. Then you will take the time you spend traveling to be with him and put it into taking a class so you might meet friends locally.
I
Go out by yourself. You can decide whether or not to bother with the boyfriend after that.
“But I have no friends”
A lot of young people who have left college and started living in a new city have been through that. A lot of break ups have been through that as well.
You can join clubs or do sports or other activities.
Number one rule in life. Don’t rely on anyone else for your happiness.
Reading these comments, you need to remember something about Reddit. It is filled with very anti-social guys who don’t go outside. It’s obvious that a lot relate to your bf very much by how angry they are getting at you in the comments for no reason, I would not take their advice.
My ex-husband and I had this issue. We tried stringing us along for a few years, but regret came when I felt that I couldn’t go out as much as I wanted and he felt that just staying home with him wasn’t good enough for me. This was a constant issue with us all our years together, but it took a smaller incident that pushed me over the edge because resent was building and I could no longer pretend that it was working.
Us splitting up was exactly what we needed. He’s married to another homebody, and my boyfriend and I are always traveling and adventuring together. Now that I know what it’s like to be with someone who wants to experience life outside the house with me, I can’t even imagine being with a homebody again. My opinion is that you’ll eventually realize how much you want a partner to experience life with you, and will burn out from this relationship.
At first I was thinking “maybe it’s the choice of activity.” I absolutely can’t stand bars/clubs and while I’ll go once in a while with a partner I make it clear at the start of a relationship that I dislike that environment and for the most part if she’s dead set on that setting it’ll be left to her and friends. That said, I enjoy going out to dinner, sporting events, mini golf-style outings, etc, and it sounds like he’s not willing to make any effort to do anything in public. I’m with you: you gotta spend some time out in the world, even if you are mostly a homebody. Covid affected all of us in a pretty nasty way with this stuff. I definitely feel like my in-person social skills got a bit rusty over the course of the pandemic and I got used to staying in but now I’m pushing myself to get out of my comfort zone.
It sounds like his problems with this are deeper. Saying something along the lines of “staying home doesn’t make me want to kill myself” is a bizarre escalation. I’m not someone whose solution whenever reading a post like this on Reddit is “break up,” but the way he’s acting isn’t helping him be a good partner or adult. If he’s not willing to seek out help or even have a conversation about it without that kind of hyperbole you’re going to have a tough choice to make. Sorry you’re dealing with this. =(
Sounds like you need to spend some of your weekends making friends and doing the things you want to do, and if your boyfriend would rather not, he can stay home and be happy for you that you’re having a nice time. It’s absolutely fine for couples to not do the same thing together all the time.
If you will only be happy doing things as a couple, or if he’s a jerk about you doing your own thing sometimes, then you will have a compatibility problem and probably need to break up. But for now, just go out and have some adventures!
You might consider how you are talking about this, though. You sound as if you think that enjoying a quiet life is somehow lesser than being someone who goes out and parties, and as if you’re not creating memories in the quiet time you spend together. It sounds a bit judgmental and condescending to me, as a homebody introvert with many wonderful memories of cozy times spent quietly with my loved ones, and it may be coming off that way to him as well. (This goes both ways – it sounds like he’s been pretty crappy about the things you want to do, too.). You may have better luck finding a compromise where you both do the things you enjoy, if you can find ways to approach each other‘s preferences more respectfully.
You should consider trying to make new friends to go out with. Downloading Bumble BFF might be a good place to start. Or taking classes or volunteering somewhere. You should just start meeting new people.
Your boyfriend should consider therapy and maybe even medication to help with his social anxiety when leaving the house.
Talk to him but if he doesn’t want to change then don’t try to change him. Ask yourself if that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life. Can you try to make friends that live near him? If your boyfriend understands and accepts your concerns then he shouldn’t have an issue with you going out even though you’re visiting him.
i guess u have to make the decision if it’s worth it to stay with him and not go out or end things and get to experience new things and go out to do more stuff. Or if he would be at least willing to compromise, it sounds like he has bigger issues. mayeb he could go to therapy and work out a compromise so u don’t always need to stay at home and miss out on things
I understand you were depressed at some point in your life. But as harsh as it is..your bf is right.
You dont need to be depressed to be a homebody. Some people just prefer staying home than going out.
Its a bit unfair to constantly bring up you depressed state from the past whenever you try to get him out. He may be more anxious than he is letting on or he is just happy and comfortable being home.
The comments has said it but i will say it again.. You aremt compatible. You have 2 different veiws on fun. If you want to live your young life then go live it. Either break up or find friends.
For me(25) and my bf(28) its exhausting having to go out every weekend . If we do them we go out sushi and that’s it. We enjoy sitting home and playing games together. I have dated people in the past who had to be around people and go out drinking ebery weekend and it was exhausting af. And therr was always se sort of drama. Either someone trying to get in between the relationship or we ended up fighting cause we are drunk.
And your bf can be over that whole “young life” outlook you have. When I hit 22 I was sick of drinking and going out.
My bf said we have out whole lives to go out too. 4 years later I am miserable.
Wait till he’s not home move out then block him.
He might have social anxiety or depression and that might stop him from going out. You could suggest a therapist. But if your lifestyles are that incompatible it might be time to find someone else who likes going out.
Run…find someone who is ok with doing outings. I speak from experience that if they don’t want to go out now…it doesn’t improve. Go live your life!
> I tell him that I need to be out around people sometimes for the sake of my mental health, and he just tells me “we have our whole lives to go out”.
Your 20s (and the rest of your life, but very specifically your 20s) are too short to waste staying home with this guy.
I would be clear with him that this is what I need to do, so I’m going to be going out more on the weekends. If he wants to join, I’m excited for that. If his anxiety is getting in the way of that, then he really needs to consider how to manage it because it’s impacting our relationship. But either way I’m going to start making more plans/may be less available on weekends if he doesn’t want to join, and I’m not totally sure where that will leave our relationship.
Ultimately, you’re coming up against a major incompatibility, and he gets to decide if on his end it’s a problem that needs fixing(by him), or simply two people who want different things.
If you don’t want to break up with your boyfriend then I strongly suggest you start going out without him.
You can go do things by yourself (it’s actually quite fun) if so things with the intention of meeting me people and making new friends.
You can’t force your boyfriend to change but you can stop him from holding you back.
You two have very incompatible views and he is unwilling to make any changes. The only question you have to ask yourself here is if the pros of the relationship outweigh the cons. It doesn’t sound like they do.
If you want to be generous, you can try making another push at him making changes while making it clear that you can’t stay if he won’t, but I wouldn’t do it.
If it were me, I’d end the relationship amicably on work on building my social circle close to home.
As someone older than you, please know that it’s best to avoid waiting for someone to be available or willing to come with you to do an activity and meet new people.
If your BF wants to stay at home, there is nothing stopping you from connecting with some local community groups, get involved if they have an online forum and go to some meet ups on your own. Reach out to the organisers and let them know you’re coming on your own so you’d love to get involved with some of the organising. That way, they can show you the ropes, introduce you to some folks etc.
So some volunteering or get involved in some hobbies you’ve always been interested in even if it’s only for a 1 hour try out. Create an opportunity to meet new people so you have others you can invite out to hang with.
It’s healthy for people to maintain a separate identity from their partner. You don’t have to do everything together.
It’s daunting and scary to put yourself out there. You can do this. Don’t wait for your BF to come to the table, he may never. It’s not your job to teach him how to expand his social circle. He may genuinely not want to and that’s ok for him.
Learn to live your own life. This one is the one you got. For example, get into a hobby, either one that has been lying around for a while or an entirely new one, which might be even better. But crucially – one that involves people. Best example is usually sports, such as entering some team or doing CrossFit with people, or outside of sports possibly entering art classes, joining a band – whatever skills and interests you have.
This is one of my personal strategies to find friends in a new place, just because people spread out over time and you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to be without friends and only bound in any social way to your partner forever.
In the beginning it’s hard to be the new person in any group, but over time you will establish connections to people and if you put the time in, then you can get closer with people outside of that hobby too, because you got to know them. The good thing about doing this in some sort of sports context is – exercise puts your body in a different situation, for people with at least some degree of social anxiety, such as myself, this alleviates some of the social barrier. Just don’t choose something like going to the gym. It has to be a social activity, not a solo activity where there happen to be other people in the vicinity.
Where does that leave your boyfriend? Well, if you want to live an active life, then you have to live your active life, go out, do activities, travel. Maybe your boyfriend is fine with staying home while you’re out and about and you start liking to return home to him after your adventures and him liking having you there when you are. Maybe this doesn’t work (for whomever of you two) and he realizes that he has to put in the effort and share your interests. And of course there is the possibility, that your lives diverge and you end up both unsatisfied, but then you might just not be suited for each other.
The best scenario of course is if you start sharing each other’s interests or find happiness in doing your own things on your own and cherishing the time together when it comes. But yeah, maybe you’re not compatible.
His comment referring to your past mental health issues was way below the belt though. Not something you should let slide, this sh*t requires some serious apology.
My boyfriend is an introvert and I’m an extravert. He prefers staying home and playing video games with friends, whereas I’m all about going out, traveling, hitting up concerts and festivals, and experiencing life outside the house. Our compromise is that I spend Sunday through Thursday at home, then Friday and Saturday nights I go out by myself or with friends if they’re free. I’d recommend you do the same.
You guys are not compatible. He obviously has some sort of anxiety about going out into public, but doesn’t sound like he’s willing to work on it, and instead, is mocking you for having depression, which is pretty shitty.
You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who wants to get there more with you! Also, it’s way easier to make friends while single than in a relationship, especially a lo g distance one.
Go out with friends. Invite him. If he doesn’t want to go, that’s on him, not on you. Don’t let him make you feel guilty for not staying at home with you. He should feel guilty for not going out with you. Promise a night “in” for him once in a while. Remind him he never has a night “out” with you.
I left someone for this same thing, and I absolutely catapaultrd forward.
Don’t let a boring guy drag down your chances of a thrilling life. They DO do that.
He’s dragging you down sis.
Next time, go out by yourself. Date yourself.
Maybe this can be fixed, but I really doubt it, so date yourself and if he throws a tantrum, there’s your answer. He doesn’t respect your autonomy and he wants you to cater to his needs and wants over your needs.
There are a few options. 1- Accept this is who he is, some people just don’t like to go out, 2- find friends to go out or 3- find a new bf.
End this. You don’t have the same needs.
I’ve been in this situation before and it didn’t work out for other reasons. Once it was over and I had distance from it I honestly regretted now ending it sooner
He’s extremely incorrect when he says you have the rest of your lives to go out. I’ve lost two peers (im 29) recently in two different, horribly shocking and freak ways. Anything could happen at ANY time.