Women, if you feel like you can perceive anger or rage from a person who looks outwardly calm, docile, and relaxed, what tells or characteristics about them are you perceiving as hostile or threatening?

13 comments

1. The whole point is that they *dont* look outwardly calm, docile, and relaxed to us.

   We might pick up on things like quick movements, clenched jaw, weird hand tension, looks in eyes, changes in voice inflection, changes in speech pattern, etc. There are so many other signs.

2. I’m a nurse in an ICU so just a disclaimer, my interactions with anger or rage may be different. Sometimes it’s body language — arms crossed, fists balled at sides, an intense gaze. Sometimes the things they’re saying are pretty hostile despite them appearing calm, so you gotta pay attention to what’s actually being said. And sometimes you can just *feel* that something’s off. Intuition or whatever.

3. People with rage issues are rarely able to compose themselves in a calm, relaxed manner. They always snap at some point. Whether it’s them getting riled up over small things, the language they use, the tension they carry.

4. The eyes will never lie.

5. It’s in how they are holding themselves. They believe they appear calm because they’re unmoving. You can see the muscle tension that they’re holding throughout their body, the way that they are breathing differently than they do normally, the tightness of the facial muscles, the expression in their eyes, etc. When someone is raging or extremely angry, being motionless and quiet is not the same as appearing calm to others. There are a lot of physical tells when someone is filled with rage usually. There are some people who can suppress these really well, but for most people, their physical tells are fairly easy to read.

6. Body language, tone of voice, and the eyes. It’s pretty simple. People eyebrows show everything

7. The reason I have that level of perception is that I developed hypervigilance to anger due to childhood trauma related to a parent with anger issues. So, I can’t always consciously identify what small signs I’m interpreting as anger. It’s happening on a not-entirely-conscious level.

8. How they talk to you. What they think is funny to joke about or acceptable to say other people. Passive aggression and putting people on the spot when it’s unwarranted.

   This is more anecdotal, but I had an acquaintance in school who I was very comfortable around. We were in anatomy class together and sometimes I would sit next to him. We both liked art and were in the art honor society together for a bit, but I got burned out and stopped going. So one day, I sat down at a lunch table with him and his friends I asked him about it and how everyone at the art club was doing. It was a very strange exchange but he said something like “I don’t know maybe you would know if you went once in a while.” And I was just very taken aback by how confrontational it was for no reason. There was also a separate occasion where I was introducing him to a friend in passing and filled her in about an inside joke we had about dissecting a piece of raw chicken in anatomy. And he kind of weirdly escalated it by being like “yeah we’re chicken mutilators!”

   It could have just been off days for him, but I also think about those exchanges a lot. It wasn’t until after I graduated that I came across an FB post my friend shared from one of his ex girlfriends. She had been >!raped!< and was sharing how horribly the school handled it. She didn’t outright say his name, but I was able to piece together a lot of small details and figure out who it was.

   Now I’m not saying everyone who snaps is an abuser, but learning about what kind of person he really was meant I had to revisit quite a few of my memories of him. Nothing happened to me thank god, but looking back something was certainly off and now I always think about that.

9. Their breathing. The tension radiating off them. Tone of voice. Micro expressions.

10. definably if someone too quiet or isolating. Seems really suspicious. Coming from psych/mental healthcare perspective.
    Disagreeing with people if they’re talking to someone. one word replies as well restricting their level of verbal communication.

11. Two people can appear to be leaning casually against a wall. One of them is just watching the room, and their motions and demeanor are that of curiosity and interest. They are relaxed and when their attention jumps from person to person or group to group, it is smooth and bright. The other may also be watching the room, but their movements are slightly jerky and clipped. Their body is draped in a relaxed shape, but they are more like a coiled snake. There is a flatness to their expression, even if it’s pleasant.

    If you’ve never had someone fold laundry angrily at you, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact energy, but it’s a big difference.

12. The way they look in their eyes when looking at me

13. I’m more worried about why you want to appear calm and docile if you are enraged? Sounds like a trap and manipulation. If you are angry, just deal with your problems. Women are humans, just like men we pick up and cues unconsciously it’s not magical.