Hi all,
Will try to keep this relatively brief – very much appreciate any / all advice!
I’ve been with my partner for quite a few months now, and we’re very compatible in many ways which was important to us both when we got together – both have our own passions, focus on health, etc etc. He’s wonderful and I love him deeply. For my partner, it was important to be with someone who was at peace with themselves.
I have struggled for a decade with an eating disorder. It was largely in check when I met and started dating my partner, but not fully healed. It’s something I carry a lot of shame with so it took me 3 months to feel comfortable sharing this with him. I also had a relapse over a 6 week or so period when we had been dating for 2 months, which I was able to pull myself out of.
He had clearly noticed something was up as I was definitely not myself for the duration of the relapse. Once I had been able to manage my symptoms for a few weeks I felt able to share with him what I had been struggling with, which I had been wanting to tell him for a while but not known how to approach or raise.
He found this difficult to comprehend although was supportive and non judgemental. I can appreciate why – it’s entirely his prerogative to not want to be in a relationship with someone with a serious mental condition. He also felt betrayed in a sense given the original values we had bonded over and that I clearly was still in the process of making peace with myself. We were able to discuss and move past this, and I clarified that I did not expect him to provide any sort of carer role, or for this to change the dynamic of our relationship – I was managing my recovery with my therapist and with my support system.
He did acknowledge at the time that this had caused him to lose some attraction for me but that he felt this would be able to return with time.
A few months on, we have grown and moved past this – I am doing very well with my recovery and it has very minimal impact on the relationship. However we have struggled quite significantly with intimacy on his end and he has now shared that he has lost his sexual desire / attraction for me although he loves me deeply and feels a romantic connection / sees a future with me. We have discussed maybe using a couples therapist to get to the bottom of this.
Has anyone experienced similar? does anyone have any advice / perspectives they could share? Thanks in advance
TLDR; dating for 5-6 months, I shared something emotionally heavy, partner has lost sexual attraction. Can we recover from this?
16 comments
5-6 months? Man, I would just break up. He’s totally not being fair to you either. Rather than tell you your baggage made him lose attraction, he should have just broken up with you then and there. I can’t see his words being good for your eating disorder/mental health either.
I think it’s a huge red flag for your future too. Doesn’t seem very “in sickness and in health” to me, if you ended up together long term, for instance
Wait, so he lost sexual attraction to you because you have had an eating disorder in the past that occasionally comes back to haunt you?
How are your values any different now than before you revealed your past? Did you ever lie and say “I’ve never had any mental/physical health concerns?”
I’m so sorry OP. Making health a priority and a passion of yours is great, and I commend you for being aware enough to recognize when you were slipping into old habits and being able to pull yourself out of them. I think your bf is being ridiculous. Saying that you have a focus on health in no way implies that you have to have always been healthy with no diseases or disorders ever. You can be focused on heath and have diabetes or heart disease for example. It doesn’t mean that your focus on health is any less valid if you used to never exercise. You wouldn’t tell a religious person that you feel betrayed by them because they weren’t always religious.
He sounds like one of those guys that expects women to have 0 past. Everyone has life experiences and baggage that they carry and expecting them not to is unrealistic.
He’s a 26 year old guy, and his dick is this fickle? I’m calling bullshit.
Imagine how he’d react if you ever got diagnosed with cancer or something like that…you would need a lot of support from him and he would be focused on how your “values no longer align” and how your illness impacts his boners. Has he offered you any emotional support after finding out you have been struggling with a relapse? I’m guessing probably not. Find someone who is actually a kind person.
I think he’s using that as an excuse because something else is going on
I think it’s for the best. He will never be there for you when you are struggling in life and we all struggle. Best that you found out now and find someone who will be supportive of you
You’ve only been together 5-6 months and this guy sounds like an asshole who is incapable of empathy/sympathy for a partner. He made your eating disorder all about himself… FFS. Break up.
Wow, he really went and made your past struggles and regressions with an eating disorder all about him.
People go in and out of having “peace with themselves” all the time. It’s not fair of him to expect perfection from you.
This is so odd to me, you shared something deeply personal with him and he 1, made it about himself 2, has tried to make you feel guilty about not telling him in the first place and 3, is blaming his lack of a boner on the above??
Honestly, if he can’t accept and love you for all that you are, faults and all, he doesn’t deserve you (baring cheating, etc). It really sounds like he’s only in it for the good times and not for the bad and that’s a bit of a red flag
I hate to break this to you but this probably has nothing to do with your eating disorder.
Bf is a dick. An eating disorder is a disease. Would he accuse you of not being “at peace with yourself” if you had cancer? You’re just supposed to be perfect for the rest of your life once you start dating him?
If you need therapy barely 6 months into a relationship, the relationship is not worth it. You’re forcing it to work out of stubbornness.
You confided in him about your health and it made his dick unhappy. Not someone I’d wanna stay with.
Ok, as a guy, am I missing something here, why would there be a loss of sexual attraction based on opening up about an eating disorder that you from the sounds of it keep under control? Granted I maybe just a dumb guy in relation to eating disorders but I m lost on this, seems there maybe some other issue and hes using this as a crutch.
Why does your struggling with an eating disorder affect his sexual attraction to you? Specifically? Aside from his egotistical reaction about timing of revelation.
That’s weird, what are his reasons to lost sexual desire over this? If you want to work on this relationship, I think therapy for him might help.
If y’all wanna continue I would def head to a couples counselor and discuss this. Sometimes it isn’t actually about sexually at all. Especially with males more than females. Most often times men have mental blocks that highly affect their sexuality. So he very well could have something happening that can be worked through and boom the intimacy is right back on! Either way- if you want to move forward the best way is a professional! Good luck!!