So for some context, I’m an 18 year old transgender woman who is pre op. Basically that means that while i do identified as female, such as using she/her pronouns and a female name, i am very much still a male physically. Growing up in Ireland i attended an all boys catholic school during my teen years, so I admittedly have very little experience talking to other woman/girls.
I recently started a job in my town, and on my breaks i would visit a nearby shop to buy stuff like energy drinks. There’s a woman who works at the counter there who I started chatting with on a somewhat regular basis when i would go shopping. She’s very friendly, around the same age as myself I believe. It’s relieving to have a woman to chat with of a similar age, since everyone on my work team is male and I don’t really relate much to the things they discuss.
The problem is that i find myself struggling a lot to hold a conversation with this woman. I think it might partially be due to the fact that we’re both in the middle of work though, and she has other customers to server. But I can’t help but feel like the lack of experience i have talking with women irl is also affecting things. To me the conversations don’t sound natural but I can’t really place why.
In my head I really want to ask for her contact information or try to hang out at some point outside of work hours. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to do so yet for some reason. In case anybody is wondering, no, I’m not trying to get with this person or anything. I just want to be able to naturally get along with other women. Plus she is already in a relationship herself. Any advice that you can offer is greatly appreciated. You don’t have to be transgender to help or anything lol, i just thought that was relevant info 🙂
7 comments
Hi!
It sounds like there is some kind of social anxiety going on. And getting mixed into the gender issue.
Firstly we are all people. The people you connect with are friends with *you*, not your gender. This is true for cis, trans, and nb people.
Other than that, are you saying that as a woman who was assigned male at birth (amab) you want to seek ways to be socially accepted, as a woman, by other women? If so, I hope you know that your gender identity is yours to define. It doesn’t need validation by another woman or anyone. Sorry it’s soooooo politicized in the UK now, it’s ridiculous.
I wish you all the best. Just be yourself and let the people who value you find you.
ETA: I am afab and am a nb woman (it exists). Just FYI, because you said trans and non-trans perspectives welcome
Just talk. Mention the weather, favorite foods, ask them about themselves. Just calm down and let the words flow.
I mean all you can do is practice, talk to more women so to speak BUT you need to be aware that in the eyes of a lot of women you are and always will be a man. Such interactions can be uncomfortable for women and that’s just how it is. You will not be able to converse and connect like normal girls with everybody, even if your intentions are pure. Rejection can and probably will be a regular occurrence but you‘ll have to get past it. In this instance she might just feel uncomfortable because boundaries are different for men / women.
Please understand that I am not hating on you or being transphobic, this may be a bit harsh but what good would it do if I lied to you.
Like how a normal man talk to women?
My (cis woman) best friend is a trans woman. I suspect that as you get more practice, connecting with other women will feel natural.
For now, maybe take the honest approach: you’re just learning how to interact with women as a woman, and you feel very awkward about it. You want women friends, and that means practicing through the awkwardness until you hit your stride.
Maybe invite her to coffee after work, and ask her to try to be patient as you learn how to navigate friendship between women.
Hopefully she’ll be understanding and happy to try hanging out with you. Maybe she’ll even help you learn. If not, you’ve lost nothing.
How do you talk to other people? That’s the question.
There’s nothing about gender that makes talking to other people easier or not. It’s the same.
You feel awkward – welcome to the rest of the world. Likely, you think the conversation is awkward and she doesn’t notice anything.
Just talk.
You sound thoughtful and like you’d be a good friend. I have to warn you that it can be hard to tell when someone is just being nice, and this is a possibility especially when someone is at work. She’s a bit of a captive audience so to speak and has to have that friendly mask on. It would make more sense to develop social skills with people who are fellow students or coworkers, for example.