Hi, Guys.
I don’t fking know. I’m 21. But I’m so confused and not ok.
I’ve never asked a girl out.
I’ve had like some girlfriends, but it was always the girl asking me out or it was something obviously mutual.
The thing is I’m broken.
I’ve had bad social anxiety, I wanted to kill myself, etc. no more than an year back. I’ve had like more than 2 years doing almost nothing. Going out with no one. High school was hell. Lost even the last friend I had.
I’ve had therapy and now I’m doing theatre and struggled in meeting a lot of people in many different contexts. This girl obviously likes me for some reason (but I don’t even know why). We didn’t meet anymore for some time so I thought she wasn’t interested anymore and I was pretty cool with it, lol. Yesterday, tho, we had to ask each other questions and answer with questions. And I asked her something and she continued asking me why I don’t ask her to go out. And I just fking pretended I didn’t understand, ahah.
We only talked once seriously. I told her some stuff from my past. The other times it didn’t go all that well, tho. Awkward moments. We also have classes together. And I don’t even know what I feel about her. I mean our relationship it’s strange. We are not really friends. I’d want to talk with her, but I can’t, she’s always in proximity, but not asking me anything and I feel her eyes on me like a pressure. I don’t fking know anything about her, or, anyway, just the basic stuff. And I’d have what to ask her, but I feel like I would bore her, or something. I’m not indiferent about her, either, so idk. But when we go out with other people she’d always end talking with someone else. And that’s strange and I feel bad about it. But when we are with a lot of people, in a chaotic environment, I become invisible.
I actually go out with another girl, too. But that girl asked me out and I don’t really give a fk about her, I think. So it works… I mean I like her and enjoy the time with her and I’m affectionate about her, but I don’t think I’d be devastated if we wouldn’t go out together anymore. And she’s very needy. So I don’t really have to worry about her leaving me or not liking me. (and she’s fking 33 – I know, I’m confused about that too).
Right now I feel ok only in relationships I feel secure in. Even with my male friends. And right now I don’t know if I have the time for another relationship and neither the balls to take the risk.
I also have this other girl that seems to like me, ahah, and I think I like her too, but it’s complicated. And I find her way out of my league.
And another really nice girl asked me to go to a party next month and are a lot of really nice girls there, too.
But it only creates me anxiety, lol.
Sunday I’ve been to a party with some guys and I only said a word.
It’s ok when I have something to do. Like make a fool of myself in theatre, or Judo, or playing pool or whatever, but I can’t just take her out. What if it becomes strange? What if she finds out I’m broken? What if I find out I’m broken?
That are some of the stupid questions I implicitly ask myself, I think.
I don’t even know what I feel. If I’m able to feel something. Or if I really work sexually, anymore. I’d have to talk to my therapist, but it’s not like I’m gonna find an answer like that, either. The last time I felt crearly that I really definitely had feelings for a girl I was fking 16. And 18 when I definitely knew I didn’t feel anything for the girl I was with.
What do I have to lose, anyway? I’m a little afraid I’m not able to entertain anyone. I’m a little blank and passive and not sad, but not all that engaging either. A little problem I had in the climax of my problems was that I wasn’t able to smile anymore. But it really feels like I don’t have the control of that area of my life. Or any other area.
What do you think about it? I’m gonna meet her again next week. What would you do? I mean I’m a little afraid she’s gonna lose interest eventually. How do you find out what you want? You have clear feelings about that stuff? Maybe you feel stuff differently as an young adult than as a teenager?