Awkward Proportions (In more than one way)

I am 21 years old currently in a homosexual relationship with my partner that is 22 years old. Just a little heads up, this is a bit embarrassing for me, and I might not respond much due to the nature of the topic—with that being said, here is a bit of information about me.

I come from a relatively religious household in which sex isn’t really talked about much, I am incredibly short (about 5’4) and my partner really tall (close to 6’1ft), on top of that, according to my boyfriend, my friend downstairs is too “thickkk” with a triple K. In the bedroom, I prefer to be top, and well due to a combination of height and the grith of my friend downstairs anal sex is incredibly difficult/impossible—which is creating some personal problems for myself.

For one, I must admit I am a bit confused. I was bully for being short and subsequently because of my height the bullies reasoned that I must have a small manhood, and well, that was another thing I was bullied for—so when my boyfriend made that critique of my girth—that shocked and confused me, anyway, that is somewhat of a joke to lighten the mood a bit.

But anyway, I feel like I cannot satisfy my partner in the bedroom due to size of my manhood being too girthy, and it honestly bugs me out. We’ve tried other means of sexual intimacy, but to me, I feel like I’m missing out on a potentially close personal connection with him—and yes, I know that sounds stupid, and honestly, I feel guilty for complaining about this mainly because I feel like I’m just whining about not getting enough “penetrative sex”—so I try to ignore this, I guess you can say, urge?

We’ve talked about it, and he’s settled on it not being something that we could do, and whatnot—which is another thing that I feel guilty about, because on one hand, I don’t want to rob him of something he enjoyed, and on the other hand, I don’t feel confident in the ability to please my boyfriend. Like, I bloody love this man with all my heart, I want to make him \*feel\* good but I also don’t want to push him either, because I don’t want to hurt him.

Furthermore, this issue has caused our sex life to be relatively bland, and, well, its somewhat difficult to preform….embarrassingly enough. We have talked about going poly, specifically polyfidelty, which is something we are both in agreement with; however, finding a partner that we both are interested in is difficult- alongside, a general fear and lack of confidence within the bedroom that has me a little avoidant.

Sorry, this was more of a rant and I apologize, but, does anyone have any suggestions or tips?