So here’s the story. I (21F) went out with a guy (~27M) about 2 years ago. We went on several dates and had sex quite a few times as well. This lasted a few months, but I am single at the time. Anyways, I looked him up on social media to find out he has a girlfriend (~26F). He hadn’t informed me at all about being in a relationship. Let’s call him Aaron and her Kaitlyn.
So, at the time, two years ago, I approached Aaron first and was like hey, your social media says you’re dating Kaitlyn. I let him explain himself, and Aaron said he was in an open relationship, and Kaitlyn was fine with him being with other people. Something about the situation and Aaron in general felt off after that. But I figured it was just my conservative and religious upbringing. But i decided to give some space and eventually ended up leaving.
Fast forward two years and I am in a healthy relationship. I see Kaitlyn on a recommended people you might know on my social media. Not remembering her, i look through her social media and realized she’s Aaron’s girlfriend. Except now Kaitlyn’s status shows that they are engaged and have been months before Aaron and I were together.
All the memories struck and i realized if i were to be marrying someone i would want to know if they cheated on me. So i reach out and tell her that a long time ago Aaron and I met and he had told me that their relationship was open. Kaitlyn replies and tells me that her and Aaron’s relationship was never open. Kaitlyn asks for details and I give her as much as I can remember. I even gave her journal diary entries. But since it was so long ago, I don’t have much evidence anymore.
Eventually Kaitlyn is faced with either believing my (some random person’s story) or her fiance’s (Aaron’s) story. Aaron tells her he has no clue who I am. And I have no evidence.
Kaitlyn offers to meet me irl and bring Aaron later to see his reaction. All this so far has been via messages. I decline for my own safety.
A week passes since Kaitlyn and I communicated and I remember that I blocked Aaron on everything, but if I unblock him I’ll be able to see the messages he sent me. (basically i blocked him because after i got into a relationship he refused to leave me alone and kept trying to sext me) I unblock him and take screenshots of Aaron and I’s conversations. Which include him saying things like how he loved having sex with me and how he’s planning on doing it again. Many explicit things.
When I go to send the messages to Kaitlyn i realize she’s completely blocked me. I remembered suddenly that i went to high school with since of Aaron’s sisters and have their contact info. So i reach out to them and send them the screenshots and ask them to pass it to Kaitlyn. I finally have proof!
The sisters get mad and start telling me that Aaron is a good guy and doesn’t deserve to be bashed like this. They say the past is in the past and I need to let Aaron go. I basically stop responding.
Then i get a message from Aaron’s mom (who i have never contacted) saying how it’s inappropriate for me to try to tell Kaitlyn that Aaron cheated. Aaron’s mom questions my intentions and forbids me from contacting anyone else in her family. Including Kaitlyn. I basically tell her that i get the message and will not contact them again.
Then today i got a final message from Kaitlyn saying she was planning on being the bigger person but wanted to tell me this last message. She basically says that i pulled this situation out of thin air, should’ve never contacted his sister, and that it is just as much my fault as his because it takes two people to sleep together. She also mentions that she was told about screenshots but wasn’t sent them, and asked why I didn’t give her proof from the get go.
Then she blocks me again.
I probably should’ve contacted Kaitlyn when this happened, but I gave Aaron the benefit of the doubt at the time. I’m just curious if it is equally my fault that i didn’t research Aaron before sleeping with him? And was there even a right way to tell Kaitlyn that Aaron was cheating?
TL;DR : I slept with a guy while single and found out later that he had a fiance. I contacted the fiance at a later point, but i have no proof. When i get proof i sent the proof to her future family, and they all get mad. Is it my fault that I slept with an engaged man? And how should I have approached the situation of informing her? Is there a right way to tell someone that their S/O is cheating or should you stay out of it altogether?
7 comments
To answer your question, its always going to be a delicate situation. You handled it as well as you could have. There’s no way for you to know how someone is likely to react to the news. You did what you could.
As for fault, none falls on you. He cheated on both of you by omitting his relationship from the outset. He’s the scumbag here.
You’ve done your diligence. She wants it dropped, let it drop.
Can I ask why u care so much about this now if ur in another healthy relationship?
You did the right thing, honestly. When cheaters cheat and their SO doesn’t know they are being deprived their right to make an informed decision involving their future. She should know. I would want to know.
Sleeping with an engaged man is not your fault. Thats on him, low life that he is. As for their anger, well everyone hates the messenger, its easier than facing the truth about the message.
Imo, the best way is to gather all of the evidence you can and do it anonymously if possible. If you don’t have concrete, irrefutable evidence, they’ll probably believe the liar they’re with.
I think you handled it as well as you could have. You went to lengths to conjure up the proof.
Ultimately, it’s up to them to figure it out. You can only control your own actions and behaviours, and let others do the same — even if you don’t think what they’re doing is correct, well informed, or fair.
I feel for Kaitlyn. There are stages of grief when it comes to processing news like this, and it sounds like she’s in denial right now. As for her sisters and family, as unfair as they’re being to you right now, please bear in mind (and it’s asking a lot of you, I realize) that they’re only doing what they can to support her. And if she’s in adamant denial mode, they’re going to mirror what she needs from them. I dare say it’s not even about you at all; you are just the collateral.
As for Aaron: the truth will come out one way or another and he will pay the consequences. Men like this, who get free passes through life without personal accountability, are trash.
But It’s not up to you to steer how or when he’ll have to fess up. Hard as it may be, your job is done. Amid the unjust treatment you’ve unfairly received for only speaking the truth, you need to do one last thing, and that is to do right by yourself and walk away from this mess.
You told the truth, did what’s right, now walk away with your head held high and let the cards fall as they may.
You did the right thing, even if it wasn’t immediate. You took a man’s word at face value, which isn’t anything wrong because people SHOULD be telling the truth when they speak. It wasn’t your fault for sleeping with him, he lied about everything so it’s on him.
You didn’t hurt her. Aaron did. Aaron got caught and that is what’s hurt her relationship. It sounds like these fools and their families deserve each other, though. Aaron is a liar and they are liars for lying to themselves and blaming you for all this like you’re some kind of homewrecker. Aaron is the homewrecker. I bet you Kaitlyn will reach back out a year or two from now and thank you for telling her and say something along the lines of “I was blind to all the signs” or “you were right.”
No matter how much the friends and family blame you, you bear no fault in this except hooking up with ppl and sometimes that has consequences; especially when they’re cheating, lying, pieces of human filth.