My wife and I keep getting into the same argument cycle.
The cycle goes like this:
1. She says something or does something that upsets me.
2. I get upset
3. She asks what’s wrong
4. I give her feedback
5. She gets mad about the way I give her feedback and tells me how I could have done it better
6. I get hurt by this because it makes me feel like I’m not heard and that she doesn’t care and that worse she doesn’t want to be bothered by my emotions.
a. It also makes me feel like she’s being controlling which coincidentally is how I typically feel when I get upset in item 2 above.
I don’t know how to proceed. I feel stuck. Any advice?
3 comments
Sounds like you’re not listening to her feedback. Chances are you need to ease back a little and ask her more questions about what you can do better. Also when in doubt commit to therapy.
You sound exhausting.
You’re talking past each other, and not “fighting fair”. This isn’t good way to manage conflict resolution.
Give this a read :
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fair_fighting
My take, and this works pretty well, you only fight about one thing at a time.
E.g. – If My wife is mad I forgot to take out the trash , I have to acknowledge it before I say we could have approached it without her yelling at me.
We break it into two fights. One is about the trash. One is about her yelling at me.
If you’re constantly switching contexts and introducing a new thing , you’ll never resolve any of them.