She never found me sexually attractive, but had sex with me for 7 years

11 comments

1. Seven years?

   I think it’s more about ‘looking’ for justification the break up.

   Consider yourself fine (or at least more than adequate) until you get a second opinion.

2. So, first, I am so sorry this happened to you. Saying this to someone at the stage you were at is, in my opinion, extremally selfish. She should have broken the relationship off and kept that to herself. Giving you that piece of information was more about her feeling guilty than helping you two move forward or fix anything. It may be the truth, but it’s very damaging to spring something like that on someone after a 7-year relationship.

   Some other thoughts:

   >I’m posting because I’m a little bit confused. Every time we had sex, she would get off, and seemed to really enjoy it, it was more the getting the sex that was the problem.

   Physically enjoying sex is possible even when you don’t feel desire for that person. I have had that happen in the past many time. To give a radical example, rape victims sometimes experience sexual pleasure during the act (which is not to suggest that your dynamic was coercive in any way).

   >How can you love someone, have a relationship with them for 7 years and continue to have sex with them, when you don’t find them sexually attractive?

   I would never personally hide this kind of thing from someone for 7 years, but it doesn’t sound impossible to me at all. Romantic love and sexual desire do not have to come together. Some people experience one and not the other, either with all partners or with some partners. I have had romantic relationships that were asexual, and I have certainly had sexual relationships that did not involve love. Sexual attraction, furthermore, can be a flexible thing. It often comes and goes, especially in a long-term relationship. While this isn’t exactly the situation you’re describing, I have gone through periods where I was less attracted to long-term partners, and I still loved them and wanted intimacy with them. I think it’s important to have good communication about these things, and obviously your partner did not handle it well, but I do understand the desire to be with someone even if you’re not sexually attracted to them.

   I think she probably cared for you, and really wanted it to work, but could not bring herself to admit or face this aspect of the relationship.

3. Hi. If she had this information about herself and chose to keep it from you, that’s THE problem. She chose to take an emotional hostage for selfish reasons.

   If she’s only recently discovered this about herself and is sharing the discovery, that’s a different issue.

   Sexual chemistry is unique to the two people involved. Love, romance and sexual desire are often seen together and intertwined, but they are different and distinct things.

   You two may have fit beautifully as friends, and in romantic love, but not with sexual chemistry.

   The description sounds like a sexual mismatch. She may have been late to this awareness because of cultural fairytales about love, romance and sex for women. Many of us were raised with “nice girls” aren’t just plain horny for strangers, but that our sexuality is unlocked by “love.” It may genuinely be a sad shock to her.

   The thing is, none of this is about you. If sexual chemistry is a lock and key, your key is still perfectly good and will unlock plenty of good locks out there. Her lock doesn’t make her bad, just not keyed to you.

   And, just like her, you have a lock. Plenty of keys don’t unlock your desire. It’s not personal. They are not defective. They just don’t have they key to your lock.

   Happily ever after, in my book, means sexual chemistry and compatibility, love and abiding friendship. Then you work at it together, especially on the days it’s hard.

   I am so sorry you’re hurting and hope your journey with grief is as gentle as possible.

4. First I just want to say I’m sorry this is happening to you and what your ex did is absolutely terrible. If possible I would highly recommend finding therapy. Women using men for their emotional and security needs is all to common, but to keep it going for 7 years is insane.

   I have gone through similar problems, but never for such an extended period of time. Personally I believe that a women feigning sexual interest to secure her emotional needs is just as dirty as a guy feigning emotional interest to secure his sexual needs. Both are very important in a committed relationship so lying about either one is scummy. Thankfully you didn’t get her pregnant and marry her.

   You asked how someone could do something like this but unfortunately the answer is very simple. People like your ex are selfish af and put their own needs and wants above their partners’. I’m not sure where you go from this but just remember not all women are like this. It will be difficult but be steadfast and sure about what you want and you’ll eventually find someone who actually appreciates you as much as you appreciate them.

5. Seriously, good on you for having respect for yourself and breaking up with her.

6. I am sorry for your recent break up. This was selfish on her part to wait this long before finding a reason to break up with you. I have been married a long time. We are best friends and the sex is mind blowing as we love each other and have that deep emotional connection. You need time to heal. Perhaps go to a gym and start exercising. Great for stress and getting your mind off things. Consider therapy because you are hurting and seven years is a long time to be committed to someone when the full commitment is not coming from the other side. I wish you the best. There is someone else out there that will truly value you for who you are.

7. Asexual people do not generally feel sexual attraction but not all of them are sex averse.

   Ace people correct me if I’m wrong.

8. I was in a several year relationship where I was not very sexually attracted to my partner.

   I was young. Sounds like you two were as well when you started dating.

   I had dated and been VERY attracted to some men in the past. But on several occasions, things went sideways. They cheated. Or ended up not treating me well. Etc.

   So when I met my ex, he was physically attractive and he was so sweet. So nice. We hit it off like two peas in a pod. He was my best friend. But for some reason that I will never fully understand, he just never “did it for me” like some of the other guys I had dated. I justified it in my head as no relationship being perfect. We were so compatible in every other way, I was “okay” with the sex being something I wasn’t overly interested in.

   I WANTED to be sexually attracted to him. I wanted things to work out. But I just couldn’t make myself feel something that I didn’t feel. My body didn’t get aroused for him.

   This also made him insecure. I never told him but of course it still affected him based on how often we had sex. I also tried every way to increase my libido. Thinking it was a “me” problem. So we ended up fighting more and more. And of course then this further added to me not wanting to sleep with him.

   At a certain point, things weren’t great in other areas AND the sexual attraction wasn’t there. So it wasn’t worth pursuing anymore and we broke up.

   While this isn’t something I would ever do again, I do not necessarily know if I consider it “selfish”. I had never been in the situation before. I was learning myself and what I could/couldn’t tolerate. And what I did/didn’t want. No relationship is perfect. So my justification was that there was no difference between the decreased sexual attraction and the normal compatibility issues that any couple has.

   It was a learning experience for me. I thought I didn’t need sexual attraction to make the relationship work. This was 10 years ago and I now know that it is much more complicated than that.

   You were 20 when you met. She loved you. She tried to convince herself that sexual attraction didn’t matter. But ultimately, it does unless you’re an asexual couple.

   I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I kind of think it was unfair and selfish of her to have even told you this. There was zero benefit to you. And just helped clear her conscious.

   There will be someone who is very sexually attracted to you. And better for you overall. It just wasn’t her.

9. Remember fellas. She is not yours. It’s just your turn.

10. I been on the other side. I ended a 7 year relationship. We were in our late 20s. He is a great person, good looking, smart. I never really liked his kisses, in the sense that his kisses never o very rarely aroused me, they were more like a form of showing affection. I had little experience having sex before, and sex with him wasn’t that good but I didn’t know what good sex was like at that time (and he hadn’t been with other women before), so I thought maybe people exaggerate about how pleasuring sex is. The thing is that if sex is not really delicious, you don’t crave for it, so at the start of our relationship we had sex more frequently than at the end stage of our relationship. I never thought that I wasn’t sexually attracted to him, but in stead I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe it was the contraceptive pills, maybe my body didn’t have the capacity of reaching great orgasms, or as I said before, maybe sex is not that great in general. Besides that, it was a great relationship, so I guess that’s why it lasted 7 years with bad sex.
    He was devastated when I broke up with him, but a couple of months after that he started dating someone and 3 years later they are still together. And I the opportunity to know what great sex feels like. So at the end it was a win-win I think.

11. Hey, I actually talk about my experience from the other side on a [post I made on /r/self](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/10aq6h1/i_forced_myself_to_get_close_to_someone_i_was). And it would be worth the read. The main difference being that I took just under a month to leave after this incident.

    It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was in-love with them. I didn’t say this in my post but knew them for years platonically before it turned this way (they also know my reddit account but I don’t really care if they see this).

    I left because I knew it would be selfish, especially given who they are. I wouldn’t want to take that away from them. So when they found someone else I fucking cried a lot (for days) but I knew I made the right choice.

    So why she stayed might have been because she thought that being in-love with you was enough for her to enjoy having sex with you, even if she didn’t want to right away. But I do think she should have just cut her losses, even if it would have hurt, because I do think she is selfish for staying. Because in a relationship, if you want to be honestly sexual desired, you should get that. I’m sorry she lied to you (and probably herself tbh) for all of these years about that. That’s fucking horrible and you deserve better.

    EDIT: There is also a chance that there might be elements to Baseball Economy’s and reddituser’s comments that are relevant as well here. I was just under 24 for this, and you and your ex were 21 when your relationship began, so there might be a component of immaturity as well. A few years can make a difference maturity wise.

    I’m also pretty sure she didn’t dissociate like I did. I think she would have left sooner given how obvious the sign was.