My wife and I have been married for 4 years. We had our first child a year and a half ago, and she is my world.
I’ve kind of felt like my wife was misleading to me on some things for a while. When we were dating I would often talk about how I would like to live in a certain state I loved, and she seemed open to the idea of moving there if not at least somewhat excited about the prospect of it. I would also speak about how I wanted to have a house with some land and to either have a small farm on the side or at least start my own business doing something else besides farming and she seemed open to the idea of those as well.
Once we were married and those things became attainable (outside of moving to my dream state) she would shut it down and say she didn’t want that, or wouldn’t support me in the case starting a business and say how much of a bad idea it was no matter how well thought out it was.
That coupled with our sex life changing for the worst after marriage makes me think she was just saying what I wanted to hear so we would get married. I don’t think she’s after money, I make good now but didn’t when we first started out. I just think she’s afraid of being alone after a failed marriage she had straight out of high school.
After we had the baby she was a nightmare to be around at times, which I chalked up to postpartum. Still, it’s mentally hard even when you know/think it’s not personal when you miss a family dinner because of a meltdown because I took too long in the shower while getting ready. And on top of that I change almost all of the diapers and do much of the cleaning.
Cut to present day, we are still kind of in a rocky place. We are looking into moving and I got a job opportunity in my dream state with a significant raise. She has said nothing about not wanting to move there up to this point. It’s not 100% that we are moving out of state at all yet so today we went to look at a local house. She loved it but I wasn’t very fond of it. She was visibly disappointed that I didn’t like it, and wasn’t talking at all once we got home. Then she all of a sudden says “I’m not moving to X state” and later makes some comment about never getting anything she wants. The latter comment coming after she got to quit her job because she was unhappy there and take a huge paycut, which I wasn’t really on board with from a lifestyle perspective but I wanted her to be happy. And also after our current house being one she loved but I’m not fond of. I took her comment about not moving as revenge for not liking the house today.
She rarely says anything positive about me and it’s even more rare for an apology when she’s a jerk. I just think she’s using me and doesn’t really care about my happiness when it inconveniences her. I’ve left out a lot because I’ve typed a short story as it is, but she’s just very cruel at times and I go above and beyond to make her and our child happy. I may be done.
5 comments
Ok stop. There’s a lot here, a huge amount in fact.
Firstly you talk about what you want and what you haven’t got a LOT. When you do talk about something she gets or wants you tell us how it was bad for you. What does your wife truly want? I would hazard a guess that you guys aren’t super in tune with each other.
So, your wife is postpartum and sounds like you’re the breadwinner. You need to be a hero here man. You need to take some breaths over a few days and get yourself in a place where you can truly listen and sit her down and ask how she is. Really, how are you?? What’s going on in your world? How are we?? And so on. And you NEED TO LISTEN with your ears and you also need to listen with your brain. Meaning try and HEAR what she is saying.
Her body has gone through a huge transformation and she also has a little being that is grabbing, squeezing honking, tweaking biting allllll day and night. She isn’t or wasn’t herself for a while she was a vehicle for this little baby who literally needed your wife to continue to exist.
You say she “had a meltdown” because you took too long in the shower. As a man with 2 children let me tell what that most likely meant in reality. “Why do you get to take 40 minutes in the shower while I’m getting baby packed, fed, dressed, changing that outfit because it had puke on it but nooooo go ahead and have a nice relaxing shower”. I have heard and seen this so many times.
I can go on and on and on but let me tell you something as a man, father of two and husband to an amazing wife. When I hear a man going on and on about how much he does I am usually very skeptical. Like the shower mentioned above, have you considered how hard it would be to be the primary carer for the baby and not be able to just do something as simple as shower without making sure someone aka you is watching the baby. By way of your dynamic, she HAS to ask to shower. You don’t.
My advice to you is to sit down and listen and listen hard. No one cares that you empty the dishwasher while your wife is likely having an identity crisis and being harassed constantly by a stalker of a child. I get it man, I really do, I know so much about this because I was you. I was a man who just didn’t fucking get it. I would hand my wife $1500 and tell her to shopping a lot. I would insist she go out with her girlfriends multiple nights a week, I got a nanny so she had time off for her.
I literally checked almost every box possible. Unfortunately the boxes I was checking was on a list about women written by a man, for men. While I was “watching the baby” so she could shower – she was crying in the shower wondering when she stopped being herself and started having to rely on me for money and my schedule to work so she could shower.
We men are never gonna get it fully, we are definitely never gonna get it while it’s unfolding. It’s only with a massive love for the woman I married and a desire to save my marriage from the resentment cesspool it had become am I able to sit here and write this for you today. Im not ashamed of who I was back then as I simply didn’t know and there was no one to tell me. Im just ashamed as a man who prides himself on taking care of his wife, I know I was letting her down back then. I have done so much work to get to the blissful place that is our current marriage.
As I said. You have to be a hero. Your wife is lost and she’s probably fucking hurt. She feels unheard, alone etc etc. I insist that you sit down with her and listen to the answers to the questions about and DO NOT say anything to defend yourself and your actions. You will get to that one day. But right now, let her in. Show her you care enough to just let her cry and let it all out. If you can do this and let her know you’re not perfect but you’re really ready to listen and do all the work.
End of story, you can only fix yourself. I’m sure you rate yourself way higher but I bet she rates you like a 4/10. Listen, hear, adjust and improve and become that 10/10 husband. Become the best fucking husband and man you could possibly be and if she doesn’t join you on your improved future that’s on her and you can make decisions then about staying together etc but fix you entirely first then worry about her.
EDIT – I just want to be clear my wife was no saint either she was a nightmare just as yours is but someone has to be a hero and I suggest it’s you as you likely have way less childcare to do.
Everything you’ve written indicates you’re very unhappy in this marriage. When you said that you may be done with your marriage, I feel no instinct to try to talk you out of that. Separating sounds like it would be liberating for you.
The only advice I have for you if you plan to divorce is maybe change your frame a little. Right now you’re very focused on the perspective that you’re marriage is ending and it’s her fault. This is natural for couples to do when they are near the end of their relationship. The social script of divorce tells us someone is to blame when a marriage ends, and if it’s not them it’s you, so it better be them. But this is not only completely unnecessary, it will ultimately hurt you to blame her.
Instead, try to frame it in no fault terms. You once loved each other, but no longer do. You were once comparable, but no longer are. All the cruelties you are now experiencing are the result of frustration from the two of you trying to force something that only makes you more and more miserable the longer you stay at it. We lash out at whoever is near us when we are miserable.
Blaming her during your separation and divorce will trigger an equal and opposite reaction in her. She will make you out to be the bad guy rather than accept your narrative that she’s at fault. Every tiny thing you did or said in the past several years will be held to a magnifying glass and broadcast to all your mutual acquaintances. The blame game will ramp up as the two of you mutually recriminate and seek to control the narrative of who was worse. This is mutually assured destruction. All of this inflicts as much damage on you as it does on your ex. But separating couples don’t see that, they become so obsessed with winning the battle of “who’s worse” they will gladly chop off their own arm if it means the ex loses an arm. This is how divorces become acrimonious multi-lawsuit affairs that rack up tens of thousands in legal fees and cost you emotional energy and time from your life that you could be spending moving on and building a new happy life for yourself.
You’ve both grown and changed, as life does to us all. You’ve grown apart. Time to acknowledge that and start the work of parting amicably as friends. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just how life goes. Don’t throw away the rest of your life out of anger at the part that’s already passed.
She will love Texas or Florida.
Are you seeking advice on how to end your marriage, or how to repair it?
If it’s the former, start with getting a lawyer. They can guide you through the rest.
If it’s the latter, a huge part of it may be looking for what you partner is doing right. You sound trapped in a heavy cycle of what you’re not happy with. You can’t force someone else to change. You either need to change some of your own actions and reframe your partner’s and stay together, or give up. Sit down and talk with her. Tell her, honestly, how you’re feeling right now. Tell her what you’re telling us. Start out asking her one favor. To do nothing but listen throughout what you have to say, and wait until the end to respond. Regardless of how she reacts, you have to communicate. If you think an in-person talk will be volcanic, write her a letter.
Having a baby/toddler is HARD. Even the best relationships can nearly fall apart. The stress, the sleep deprivation, the lack of intimacy.. it all coincides to form into an ugly cloud of resentment that you have to work extremely hard to clear up.
Wishing you the best in whatever you decide.
So what exactly are you getting out of this marriage? Sounds like you fell for a bait and switch. Reading between the lines here you sound miserable and I can see why.