My partner (M25) and I of 10 years are getting married in April. Very early on we decided we would have a child free wedding and so after we booked our venue last April, we spoke to my BIL (M23) and his gf (F23) as they had just given birth to a son in December. They were very angry with us and said it was inconsiderate and rude to not include him but we stood our ground.
Since this instance things have been tense. They have spoken to us only on rare occasions we visit MIL (which is rare because we’re both teachers who live almost an hour away) and never about the wedding.
My Hens party is coming up in March and my MOH gave me a list of people who hadn’t responded to give a gentle nudge to respond to the invite. I messaged the gf personally and asked her to respond via FB. She love reacted my post and then messaged my MOH.
I was informed my MOH that my MIL and the gf aren’t coming. MIL has a variety of fair reasons (including health issues) and
says gf isn’t coming because of gf’s anxiety because she won’t know anyone. I got a little angry at this because I have tried to include her in events so she got to know my bridal party before the Hens and she always backed out (birthdays, wedding dress shopping etc). I feel like I’m the only one trying here.
After I got off the phone with MIL yesterday I messaged the gf: “So you aren’t coming then? I was looking forward to partying with you.” This was fairly early last night. She has been active several times for extended periods of time since then and has not even opened my message. I’m really frustrated and want to actually have a conversation with her but she’s clearly avoiding me. Any advice on how to resolve this?
4 comments
You get to make the rules for your wedding, but you also have to accept that there will be people who can’t or won’t go because of it. Just let it go and think about the larger relationship after the wedding.
When you plan a wedding, you’re allowed to make certain rules about the wedding day. Insisting on a child-free event is a decision you’re allowed to make.
However, she’s also allowed to make decisions… like avoiding someone she may feel has insulted or slighted her. You said they were angry and there could be several reasons why. They may feel like you’ve insulted them because you’re intentionally excluding family. Or maybe they’re upset because attending without the baby will incur more expenses (all day babysitting for an infant isn’t cheap). Who knows?
You’re both entitled to your feelings, of course, and you can also be angry for whatever reason you want. However, you’re getting to a point where you’ve started to act in a passive-aggressive manner with her. By messaging her “So you’re not coming then?” when it’s been explicitly stated that she’s not attending, you may come across as trying to start a fight (regardless of whether it’s your intention or not.) If she really does have anxiety, then pushing for communication when she’s not comfortable will only exacerbate the situation.
My suggestion for resolving the situation is to literally do nothing. Forcing some sort of confrontation will backfire. In time (perhaps after the wedding), she will let you know if/when she’s ready to interact again. Of course, when you see her in person, be friendly, but only pursue more intimate/intense conversation if she initiates it.
Honestly I would just delegate this to your partner. If his brother’s girlfriend won’t talk to you, then your partner can talk to his brother about the extent to which they would like to participate in your wedding. They’re your partner’s guests, and his problem if he wants them at your wedding.
You get to make the rules but you don’t get to decide how people react. Truthfully, I would have told you to go fuck yourselves too. This is a shitty way to treat your neice/nephew.