Why is pornography not considered cheating? Is it? Why or why not? also, since he admits to viewing it does that give me license to ask for more of an open marriage?

22 comments

1. You should talk to him about it. Tell him about your needs and ask him to help you meet them if he’s not willing then go for professional help. Cheating or open marriages aren’t going to help anyone and instead only lead to heartbreak and pain.

2. Wife here. I don’t see porn as cheating, but I know others do. It really depends on the person and how they feel about it, but my personal philosophy is that there is no emotional connection and no physical connection taking place. Porn is just a vehicle to make masturbation easier and more fun for a lot of people (even women, like myself).

   If my husband told me he looked at porn, I’d say, “me too!” It would not be justification for asking for an open marriage. And if my husband did, I’d be upset.

   I think you need to carefully consider what an open marriage would entail for you. Would it be open for him as well? I think the best open relationships are egalitarian so you need consider that he would also need to have the option for openness on his part, too.

   Do you think that if you did open the marriage, it could highlight more areas of your marriage that are unsatisfactory? That happens a lot to couples and it often makes the marriage worse.

3. Everyone has different definitions of cheating. Every couple has to determine what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Some people think kissing is fine, sex isn’t. Some say porn and strip clubs are cheating. Some don’t. But usually these determinations are made early on.

   Shifting to say porn all of a sudden qualifies as cheating and using it as ammunition for your argument as to why you should have an open marriage is a recipe for disaster. Open marriages are already a one way street to divorce if they’re not done with the right intentions.

   Do you want your marriage to work? Can you help him work through his porn addiction? Are you committed to compromise and sacrifices to stay together? If so, tell him how unhappy you are. Be honest and open and consider couples therapy. If you’re not interested, and you’ve accepted that you’re not sexually compatible, then consider a trial separation or something similar.

4. I think you guys need marriage counseling asap.

5. Whether or not porn is cheating depends on what boundaries you’ve established together. But I don’t think watching porn and having sex with other people are really the same thing. The fair equivalent would be you watching porn.

6. I personally don’t have an issue with my husband watching porn as long as he’s not contacting the girls who do web cam stuff while there talking to you. But everyone is different. I also watch porn but for other other reasons than most guys. I go on because I wanted to learn different things and get different ideas. They actually have tutorials for sex positions, how to give blowjobs, how to eat a girl out, etc. I was interested in tantric massage. It’s very sensual and my husband and I feel more connected.
   Maybe you and your husband can try these different things. If it is something you are interested in or if any is I can link the names of some of the individuals who have tutorials or are sex coaches.

7. This isn’t a porn problem per se, it’s a **communication** problem.

   If porn is or isn’t cheating is a discussion to have before getting married.

   He admitted it was a problem. You didn’t say you asked him to stop, in fact, you said you would be supportive, yet, you’re surprised he’s still doing it. This again points to you never had a clear discussion about it with any clear boundaries.

   Not giving you oral in the way you enjoy it is another communication problem. Guys don’t know what they don’t know. And not every woman likes it the same way.

   And ok, you had a discussion, but he probably took it to be contentious rather than a heart-to-heart. And since he felt criticized, now he’s rejecting you out of fear you will just tell him he’s doing it all wrong again.

   You two really need a heart-to-heart discussion on what you like, don’t like, want, and could do less of. And not in an accusatory way, but in a “let’s try this next time” way.

   Nothing in this isn’t fixable, but it needs to be discussed openly, without judgment.

8. Generally speaking most people consider it cheating when it involves some kind of mutual interaction. Porn is produced in a studio somewhere and then down the line someone views it. They have no means of communicating with the porn stars. It’s a completely disconnected experience so most wouldn’t consider that cheating.

   Of course every couple makes their own rules.

   I don’t see the point in asking for an open marriage. That would just be a slow and painful way of ending your marriage.

9. Porn addiction is real and just like other addictions it’s life long recovery effort. Porn induced ED (PIED) is real too. There’s a sub with a great resource library called r/loveafterporn. Every relationship is different as far as what is considered cheating. When something is ruining a relationship then it’s an issue including porn, gambling, drugs, etc. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You need to figure out what you can live with and what you can’t. Communicate your boundaries with what responses to those boundaries you are willing to follow through with. I recently found out about my husbands porn addiction and he refused to do any recovery effort to stop. We are now in the process of divorce after 18 years of marriage and 3 kids.

10. No, I don’t think you should ask for an open marriage. Ask for some type of counseling.

11. I usually don’t see porn as cheating but in this situation he is just choosing the easy way out with porn instead of working on your relationship! There has to be a compromise here maybe work it out in therapy

12. Going to be downvoted to hell for this.

    Devils advocate: it’s cheating. As any pre-existing boundary that is being crossed. I would see it as a reason to ask for an open marriage, I wouldn’t cheat back, but rather let my husband know I was going to also be seeking sexual relief from outside sources. I would assume we would set up boundaries (condoms, no one around the kids, designated times/etc) just like couples set up boundaries when looking at porn (no cam girls, no money spent, nothing illegal, etc). Communication is definitely important – and don’t feel bad advocating for your own well-being. He doesn’t feel bad enough to seek help or take your emotional or physical needs into consideration.

    If you want to move forward without stepping out on your marriage then marriage counseling and a CSAT therapist for him. That’s a long, hard road so definitely weigh pros and cons for both sides.

13. IMO porn isn’t cheating. It’s a person getting off on watching sex on the telly. It’s voyeurism really. Cheating would be if he was emotionally and or physically invested in someone else. It sounds like there’s major issues here you guys, asking for an open relationship is one thing, you have to bare in mind he may not be OK with that so be prepared for the repercussions of that. Having sex with other people isn’t the correct retaliation to him watching porn. If you feel the need to be having sex with a new partner I would say maybe it’s time to look at your marriage and maybe accept it could be over? Has therapy ever been an option? I would suggest try fight for your marriage, if you both love each other it’s certainly worth fighting for

14. Not. No discussion necessary. Is looking at a woman across the street cheating? Is having an erotic thought cheating?

15. He is cheating with his right hand?
    Maybe he has a kink for pornstars sexy body.

    Do fetishes go away?

16. I would think the bigger problem was the fact that your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you. What use is a relationship where this is the case?

17. You both sound toxic as hell. No porn does not give you a green light to cheat. You don’t need sex as much as you need some morals. On another note, it’s is good that you have tried some of his kinks even if they aren’t your cup of tea. However, you giving in to painful anal sex while he won’t even give you oral regularly or with a tiny bit of conviction is pretty bad. He sounds like a very selfish lover. Then sprinkle in some porn and some general lack of interest.

    You 2 need MC. There is no other way to put it. You need an objective third party to point out just how not committed to a healthy open style of communication and each other’s happiness you both are. For what tiny bit it may be worth I think you may just be reflecting the energy you receive in many ways, but don’t lower yourself like that.

18. You’re looking for people to tell you it’s ok to cheat on your husband.

    Grow up, either end the marriage or maybe just maybe find out why he would rather look at porn than have sex with you.

19. So you guys have never been sexually compatible? Porn seems like an excuse for resigning yourself to an unhappy sex life. You dont like the same things in bed. That is the more important issue and an open marriage might be the answer.

20. Cheating is never okay. If you are unhappy in the relationship, either work on that or get out. Bringing a third party into the relationship is unfair to both your spouse and the third party. Cheating is being dishonest. It’s breaking your marriage vow.

    ALWAYS end one relationship before starting another. Always.

21. If it’s not porn it will be a real woman. Porn is fine to get off to. Your getting off to the act of sex not the person in the video.

22. My wife and I watch it together.