We have been dating for 3 years. He’s one of those people who from the very start of a relationship forming tells you he loves you and wants to be together forever. I’m not that way. We have our differences. So we talk about marriage here and there how he is ready but I’m not, I feel I’m too young and simply just don’t want to yet. Whenever there are small decisions I have to make, I don’t run them past him first. I make my decision and tell him about it later. It’s nothing major, usually things like “I switched shifts with someone” or “I’m gonna go take a little walk around the block” or “I ordered my sister a new shirt” something like that, where I either just do it or I tell him but my decision has been made already. If I make a statement like those instead of bringing it up as “I might take a walk later” then he gets really weirded out. But this makes me feel like I’m suffocated with having to run it past him first for the smallest things. Bigger decisions I always let him know in advance or ask his opinion. But these things that are random or in the moment I don’t feel the need to. Sometimes he even says stuff like “we are supposed to be 1 we’re supposed to bring it up to each other for everything”. I find that so annoying and unnecessary. But maybe I’m just bad at being in a relationship?
TLDR Casual decisions that I make on my own that I bring up after the fact makes my boyfriend feel uneasy and believes we should share every single thing with each other. I think I’m bad at relationships.
11 comments
We are supposed to be one? I am suffocating just hearing that. People married 40 years are individuals. Who runs every single thing past someone else past the age if 8 or so? Your attitude sounds totally normal, if he keeps up he will send you running for air.
Wait he gets wierded out if you switch work shifts without telling him? If this is true I’d run for the hills asap.
If you don’t live with him or have plans with him then none of those need to be shared with him.
The only thing that might make a difference is if you changing shifts got in the way of plans he had with you.
But neither buying your sister a gift nor going for a walk are big deals that need his input.
If you do live with him it’s nice if you let him know you are going out so he’s not surprised but you don’t need to ask.
You aren’t bad at relationships, I think it’s just a difference in how you and he view being part of a couple. Some people see it as being two individual people coming together as a team whilst others see it as two people almost becoming one single unit. His view is probably a bit more old fashioned in a way and can sometimes come from his background, If his parents/family are like that with their partners.
I don’t think it has to be a relationship killer but you need to sit down with him and just try to have him understand that this is simply a difference in relationship styles (nobody is doing it wrong here!) that you should sort out and be firm that as a capable, independent person you can and will make these small decisions as it suits you. If it’s decisions that involve/impact him, or were more life changing then yes, it would be fair to ask his opinion.
I think he is confused on what a healthy relationship is….it’s 2 individuals, happy in their lives want to be partners and share the important things…you don’t stop being an individual because you’re in a relationship..also…you are allowed to make your own decisions without consulting him on everything…the shifts you work are your business…unless you had plans with him and had to break them (important plans that cannot be changed) then you’re work schedule is what it is…as an adult you’re prioritizing earning a living…as you should…
You are not supposed to be one person. You are two separate people with two separate lives.
It’s completely normal that you don’t tell him about every single facet of your life and every minor normal daily decision you make. The only decisions you need to run by him are the ones that affect him directly – e.g. if you need to change plans you’ve made.
Dude sounds suffocating and weird.
This is very controlling and not at all normal. You’re not bad at relationships for feeling suffocated by this. Do you have to consult him when you need the bathroom too?
Yeah, that’s not you being bad a relationships, that’s him having unrealistic view of what a committed relationship looks like. You’re two people, not one. He expects you to put your life on hold if he’s not available to have a conversation about wether you’ll make a cup of coffee or tea? That’s unreasonable.
Like, going away for the weekend, yeah might wanna do a quick check up before a final decision. Going for a walk? Jfc just go out.
He sounds like he has serious control issues – your gut is telling you the right thing: stay clear of this psycho, it will only get worse after he has locked you down with marriage and a baby or two.
What your partner is describing is a form of codependency.
My guess is without him even realizing it, there’s a part of him that values your independence. Otherwise he wouldn’t have fallen for someone like you.
>>Sometimes he even says stuff like “we are supposed to be 1 we’re supposed to bring it up to each other for everything”
This is an unsustainably suffocating vision of couplehood. You don’t have to run small decisions by your partner. Your bf seems to have absorbed some pretty toxic messages about what it means to be a couple? Even though you are together, you are not one unit; you are still separate people who can make small decisions on their own without blowback from a partner.I wonder why you are taking his POV and concluding that you are bad at relationships, rather than realizing that your bf is smothering with his attitude? Why is he weirded out? Why does he think a couple needs to be joined at the hip? Life is very long, and running your desire to walk around the block by your partner will get older than old after just a few years. I think your bf has an issue with autonomy.