I honestly have no clue who to talk to about this. I (f27) have been friends with this guy (27) for roughly a year, properly, but worked together for few years.
It probably all started roughly 1 year ago where his actions made it appear like he had feelings – especially buying a silly valentines card. Even my other friend was thinking perhaps he did. But was reassured it was not the case, which was fine, I wasn’t interested that way.
We never really spoke outside of work – until one day, I got drunk and decided be funny to message him random rubbish – after that, guess we chatted more.
That’s roughly how we became friends.
I suffer from mental health – depression and anxiety – and was off from work one week for it and then somehow we went out to get mind off of things, or whatever.
Got drunk, went bowling, there was inappropriate stuff – like random pecks or slapping ass – which probably confused my head and ended up, what I thought was light, slap later on – which I think probably because of me being anxious, not sure why he did those things, making me wonder if there was more to it. And yes, I was in the wrong for slapping, I know that and regret it, I thought was playful in my drunken state.
Anyway, while waiting for taxi, he says something that still sticks with me to this day – something about me being “unshaggable”. Unfortunately, with my anxiety, just makes me believe I’m actually unshaggable. But maybe he meant it as in, I’m a friend, I’m unshaggable as in he wouldn’t do that with me. But it’s not something you would say – but it has knocked my confidence loads as I already suffer from mild body issues.
Idk what happened after that per se, but I know there was inappropriate touching.
Anyway, got home after that, my head was messed.
Eventually, I plucked up courage to message him and basically say how it’s pretty much confused me – he apologised and said he not into me like that.
I took a week to myself and eventually moved on – I’m an awkward person who doesn’t like confrontation. But I just moved forward.
In work, we annoy each other – or he does my head in a lot, and probably vice versa.
Next major thing I remember, I was off my meds because I got triggered over something else. Decided to go hang out with him and his friend, but I didn’t get along with his friend, which moves onto the next bit. It was my birthday and because I wanted to go out for my birthday to the pub, I invited him along. I was already there and then when he arrived, he was with said friend. Which probably turned nasty and over read their convo on phone. I was upset because within 30 mins, they was gone.
I think being off meds obvs made me emotional about that.
I am currently on my meds FYI- last year had bad times.
Anyway, move forward to going out on day trip and then getting drunk again and ended up doing… some sexual activity – thankfully not all the way. Again, messing up with my head because he claimed to not see me in that way and with the comments he makes, make me feel unattractive in that way. Again, says mistake. Which it was but, I’m the kind of person that overthinks and it was contradicting everything that they said, while confusing me since they said I was “unshaggable”.
We stayed friends, but we have arguments – like went out again and drunk again, but he yelled at me which caused me to be upset and therefore the night got a whole lot worst. Then they started ignoring, and because of my anxiety, felt like it was because of me and I made things worst. I think I was overreacting in this instance but idk.
He can be a good friend, but sometimes the comments he makes are quite hurtful, even if he was only messing around. And probably why my instinct is to do the same, or whatever.
I know he does affect my mental health – my other friend says this and has tried to get me to just stop talking to him but I try that and I start feeling needy to talk random crap.
I am awaiting counselling and have feeling if I talk about this, they will just suggest the same as my friend and to try drop contact.
I don’t know if I have attachment issues or perhaps, even like him in that way which I don’t want that if anything, but I know that it feels like a toxic friendship, unless I’m overthinking again or simply just sensitive.
I dont know if I should just stop talking to.him outside of work completely, or if I’m just being silly. But I know if I do stop, it’ll be hard as I do care about him – whether I have issues, care about as a friend or… more – which I dont want that.
But he tells me inappropriate things and I asked him to stop that as I’m not really comfortable and he has other friends he can tell that to, yet his response was no/idc which upset me and probably led me here. Doesn’t feel like there’s any respect.
I know there is fault on both ends.
I’m just unsure of what to do and just would like advice from third party. Is it time to end friendship or am I being silly?
Tl;Dr- am I being overreactive over a friend who is at odd times inappropriate with me if going out for drinks or should I end friendship?
2 comments
I think it’s toxic OP. No one says hurtful things, commenting about appearance or giving mixed signals just out of being “nice.” Yes, you were inappropriate a bit, but I’d say there were factors to it; being drunk, meds, mixed signals. However, the best you could do is apologize and move on from it.
I think you’re being overly affected by this person, who doesn’t seem like cares for your well-being. He most likely does not think of you highly for leaving you on your birthday like that either. I think, although a hassle, you should end the friendship-relationship situation or whatever you might call it for your own mental health. It’s definitely a good thing to seek counseling, and I hope it turns out well for you, OP.
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