We’re a married lesbian couple and have been together for four years. When we began dating, we discussed having kids and she always expressed wanting to adopt. I was okay with either adopting or having one via artificial insemination. We both agreed on having two children.
Now that the time has come, I’ve decided that I would definitely prefer to have a bio child first then adopt. She just wants to adopt with no bio children in the mix. Part of the reason is because she wouldn’t be technically related to a child I give birth to, so she doesn’t see I have the urge to have a bio child since she’s not “fathering” it.
The other reason is that she’s set on adopting a black child. She is black herself and a social worker, so she sees firsthand the problems black children face in foster care and wants to give a good home to one in need.
I understand her reasoning, but I really want to experience carrying and birthing my own child. What would be the best course of action?
9 comments
Simple solution would be to do both!?
Honestly I would adopt first. The process can take a while and then child y’all get could need lots of extra time and resources before he or she is happy and well adjusted. But I would also advise going and getting your fertility checked now. So you know more about physically what’s best for you and your wants.
I think giving birth first makes sense. An adopted child comes with their own unique needs and I think having a sibling in the home would be a benefit. Also, if you adopt first then you will have to go through all the challenges of pregnancy and dealing with a newborn while parenting your adopted child and if you can avoid that to give the adopted kid the most attention possible I think it makes sense.
You need to decide what’s more important, having a bio child, or this relationship. She’s always been straight up with what she wanted in regards to kids and you said you were fine with it. She shouldn’t have to change her position because you’ve now decided this is important to you.
You could use her egg & carry ? If that’s a option for you both
No one here can help with the decision in the end. But personally I think you should adopt. There is a crapton of children out there already that don’t have a home and I really don’t see the Need to make a new one if there is one that could be given a better home instead.
So why don’t you give birth and she adopts?
But I would suggest to adopt first because that child already exists and it would be a shorter time of suffering (but it also could get scared when you’re pregnant, so dunno if this is a good advice)…
Reciprocal IVF is what it is called I think. Her eggs but you carry the baby.
You have a baby, and she adopts it……………….problem solved.
These days with single motherhood being accepted, a lot of babies that are up for adoption are from addicts or SMI mothers or………………….
Happened to my brother and he and his wife have had 20 odd years of trouble……..they have done their best, but it has certainly changed their life , from what they thought it would be………………..