I (26f) have been with my partner (30m) for 4 years now. On the day to day, everything is great. We love eachother VERY much, laugh with eachother, hardly ever fight, have similar (ish) personalities, and both want kids. It feels SO good to finally be loved and treated affectionately, he makes me feel beautiful and wanted. He’s always there for me and so supportive. He really does treat me like a princess 99% of the time and i’m terrified that if I let him go, I will regret it miserably and never find someone who loves me and cherishes me like he does.
However, there are some nagging things that I can’t seem to let go, and the longer that time goes on, the more I feel unsure about us. To start, he has a severe problem with alcohol. He drinks almost a 26 of vodka every single night. It’s at the point he doesn’t even get drunk anymore, it’s just to feel “normal”, and he would have severe withdrawal if he didn’t. While he acknowledges it’s a problem, lately he’s just gotten upset when I try to talk about it or figure out a solution. I really don’t think he plans on getting help or working on it in the near future, because it would be hard to take time off work and rehab is expensive, but it seems like he doesn’t even want to try. It’s going to have terrible effects on his health, and it’s extremely costly. Which leads to my second point-
He has barely any money saved up for our future. He makes a decent wage (about 55k/year) but finds it really difficult to save money, between spending it on booze and whatever else he wants in the moment. I have about 50 grand in savings right now, I own my place, etc. He keeps talking about buying a house and starting a life together, but he has almost no money saved (maybe like 5k over the whole 4 years). This is also a problem because despite his spending, he’s quite stingy with money and never wants to take me out on dates/spend money on me (Aside from Christmas/Birthday) and kind of assumes that we split everything 50/50 always. I know i’m not entitled to his money, but I don’t really see how we will one day combine our assests when his mindset is “what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine”.
Also, he doesn’t want to get married. He doesn’t believe in marriage. While I can understand that he has his own opinion on it, it’s something I want. He’s said many times “well I’ll probably have to end up marrying you anyway” (ugh how romantic) and I vehemently tell him NO, I will not force him into a marriage, he needs to actually want it. It’s been the same conversation for 4 years.
To top it off, he also has sexual fetishes that i’m not comfortable with, and it has completely dominated our sex life. If I don’t want to do these things, I at least have to talk about them during sex to get him off. It’s to the point where I don’t desire sex with him anymore because it’s exhausting, I just want to have a normal sex life. I have no problem with experimenting or doing some risque things once in awhile, but we can never just have sex without me talking about his perverted fantasies everytime, and I don’t see how I can keep doing this forever.
Aside from all the negative things I just said, I LOVE HIM, SO MUCH. He loves me. I don’t want to give that up. I’m not perfect either – i’m about 30lbs overweight, currently unemployed due to lay off, so it’s not like i’m a huge prize either at the moment. I just don’t really see a future working out together at this point. A big part of me says to leave, and to break up now before I waste any more of his time. It seems cruel hanging on, being so unsure after 4 years and he’s trying to take the next step in our relationship and talk about a house and kids. I’ve talked to him about this before, and he just keeps saying that “we love eachother, that’s enough, everything else can be worked out”, but I don’t think it can. Part of me is wondering – should I just settle? I mean he does love me and is ALWAYS there for me, which is more than a lot of people can say about their relationship. Am I expecting too much?
TLDR; having doubts about my relationship, however we love eachother an insane amount and I know he’s committed to me and I don’t want to give up something just because it’s not perfect.
8 comments
Yes, you should break up. It’s not about people not being perfect, it’s that you two know you are incompatible. The sexual incompatibility makes it clear you two will never be all that happy together. He needs to be with someone who is happy to indulge his fetishes – and that is not you.
Personally, I also don’t think I could ever be with alcoholic who isn’t actively working to recover. But I know some people manage that. That would be a deal-breaker for me, and I would encourage it for you as well. But it’s all irrelevant when you know you two are sexually incompatible. That is the kind of problem that tends to get worse with time, not better, And it’s already at a point where you no longer desire sex with him. Which means you need to stop having sex with him. If you force yourself to do so, you run the risk of accumulating trauma and giving yourself long-term problems. And if you’re going to transition into a sexless relationship because the sex cannot work between you two, shouldn’t you just break up?
I wouldn’t settle for an alcoholic with no plans of changing, especially one that makes you feel forced to participate in fetishes you don’t want. You want different things, and he is not a healthy partner for you. Settling would be a mistake.
Allow me to rephrase your question. I want you to pretend that a friend of yours is coming to you and asking you this:
“I am with an alcoholic who has no savings and no interest in marrying me, but who has sexual fetishes that make me not want to have sex with him. Should I stay in this relationship?”
What would you say if someone you cared about came to you and asked that question?
> Aside from all the negative things I just said, I LOVE HIM, SO MUCH
Love is not enough.
Let me restate that:
*Love is not enough*.
You cannot love him enough to cure his alcoholism. You cannot love him enough to give him a plan for the future. You cannot love him enough to make him want to marry you. You cannot love him enough to make the fetishes that you cannot abide go away.
*Love* is only useful in a relationship between people who are already compatible, who are already each in a stable enough place that they can have a balanced relationship with one another. When two people have that, love takes something that is *workable* and turns it into something *magical*.
But you and he are not compatible. You *cannot* have your own needs met while remaining with him.
You and he are not *balanced*. You are putting far more time, effort, and energy into this relationship than what you are getting out of it.
And when someone who is in an incompatible, unbalanced relationship tells herself “But I LOVE HIM, SO MUCH”, what ends up happening is, well…*this*.
She ends up looking past the huge, massive, world-enveloping swathe of red fabric that is not so much a “flag” as an enormous canopy that covers the sky and blots out the sun, because she believes that if only she loves him *enough*…he will get better. He will change. He will stop being a feckless drunk. He will stop having sexual needs that she cannot fulfill.
But I’m here to tell you: He *won’t* get better because you love him. He *won’t* change if you love him hard enough.
This is who he is. This is who he will *remain*. He’s not a kid who is still figuring out who he wants to be when he grows up. He’s a 30-year-old man, who has been an adult for a *decade*…and *this is how he has chosen to live his life*.
There is absolutely *nothing* for you here except a future that is filled with him doing exactly the same things, only moreso, because the longer he manages to keep you around, the more time you will tell yourself is “wasted” if you leave.
You are *not* expecting too much.
If anything, you’re expecting far too little.
So he has alcoholism he won’t treat, you’re sexually incompatible, and disagree on the importance of marriage. Even if it was great for a couple years it doesn’t sound like things are aligning for you. Maybe you’ve grown from age 22 to 26 but he hasn’t changed much. Try reading back over what you posted as if it was a close friend telling you about her relationship, and see what advice you’d give her.
First off, it’s great that you’re taking an objective look at your relationship like this. Every relationship has its rocky aspects, but it’s worth addressing questions like “what am I willing and able to put up with?” and “how much do I trust him to work on these issues?” and “are our goals for the future even compatible?” to understand whether these rocks pose serious hurdles for a long-term relationship.
To some extent, you can address these questions on your own, since you’ve had 4 years of experience with the guy to draw on for supporting evidence. However, these questions will also need to be addressed through an honest and respectful conversation with your partner. Like “Hey, I’d like to talk about what both of us want out of this relationship. I have my ideas of what I want, but I want to hear from you, too. There’s things I really like about our relationship that make me want to continue this, but there’s also some long-standing issues that make me hesitate, and maybe the same is true for you, too.”
When you do have this conversation, make sure your feelings and perspectives are being validated and acknowledged by him. That’s even if he’s trying to improve, even if he means well, and even if he disagrees on how to resolve things. And the same goes for you recognizing his perspective and feelings, too – even if he’s in the wrong, you’re still in a relationship with him, so you still need to recognize his feelings.
Beyond that, you can work together to figure out what remaining conflicts can still be resolved. What can be said or done? What still needs to be understood in order to resolve a conflict? Keep in mind that you both are likely to propose solutions, but the best solution is whatever one you BOTH can agree to. Otherwise, if one person imposes a certain resolution that the other doesn’t want to do, they’ll either hide it, they’ll fail to fulfill their end of the arrangement, or they’re harbor resentment. And if you truly can’t find a common ground on how to resolve an issue, that issue’s just going to remain a constant thorn in your relationship.
I know that’s a lot, but relationships are tough to maintain. That’s why it’s important to discuss these things sooner than later. Can you two work together to amicably resolve these relationship issues? Or are you two too incompatible for a long-term relationship where you can both be happy?
Best wishes, OP.
Hunny you’re not even 30. Plenty of time to meet a stable guy who isn’t destroying his health with alcohol.
I met my bf last year at 48. He’s 61 and absolutely the man of my dreams ❤️
There’s something wrong if you think a life with him is better than a single life. You need time alone to discover yourself, your own worth and what truly makes you happy.
The sad news that he won’t make it to 40 with his alcohol consume. So you need to only plan for the next 10 years.
On second thought maybe you only get so well along because he is always drunk? When was the last time he was sober?