I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for almost 3 years now. We originally met on Tinder with no intention of getting into a relationship but we hit it off and have been together since then. He is my first boyfriend and he has only been in one other relationship (a long term – 4yr high school relationship).
My boyfriend and I have had some difficulties in communication in the past, and it is something we are actively still working on. We found out he has a more avoidant attachment style while I have an anxious attachment style. This has lead to some pretty awful arguments in the past resulting in us almost ending our relationship. Although, moving forward, we havent had such large arguments like that anymore.
Fast forward today, my boyfriend and I had a heart to heart where he confessed that he is losing feelings/ attraction to me. He said he does love me and loves spending time with me, but like the attraction from what it was back then isn’t the same anymore. It has nothing to do with my physical appearance itself but he just doesn’t have that urge to initiate that himself. He also said he feels he doesn’t deserve me and us staying in a relationship probably isn’t fair to me. He also mentioned this is essentially what killed his last relationship. We talked about what we can do to work on our relationship, we discussed boundaries and needs. From what we agreed on, our physical intimacy will stop for now but all else will probably continue as normal since our normal day to day activities do continue to bring him joy.
I know my boyfriend and I already talked through most of this, but if anyone has any more insight as to why this may be happening or what we can do (either individually or together) to help our relationship. Down the road, we know ending it might be the only option but I want to explore other possibilities before getting to that point
TLDR; boyfriend is losing feelings/ attraction. romantically we are okay but we are having trouble initiating sexually. Any advice on what to do or explanation as to why this happens is appreciated
5 comments
You need to ask him directly what he wants. Does he want to continue your relationship and wants to work on it? If not there isn’t even a point in trying.
Your clinging on him has most likely annoyed him more and more. My advice? Pretend you’re a cat. Ignore him unless he initiates conversation or anything. It will work, unless ofc you sabotage it by being clingy again.
I’m going to sound harsh now, but frankly, I’m afraid you are just putting off the inevitable and prolonging your pain. You are clearly not compatible, and he explicitly told you he’s not all in. I don’t see how cutting off physical intimacy is going to help things at all; he isn’t saying he doesn’t need that, he’s saying he doesn’t want that anymore with you; realistically, how long do you think it’s going to take for him to feel sexual attraction to other people and want to act on it? And what about *your* needs for intimacy? The hard truth is that you seem to have agreed on an unhealthy, dead end arrangement stemming from his reluctance to be the bad guy and your reluctance to let him go.
It’s very common for that initial sexual excitement to run out after about 2-3 years.
My guess is because he’s never had relationships longer than that, he doesn’t know how to deal with relationships that go past that initial sexual excitement phase other than to end them and look for a new one.
One way you can try to combat this is to try to revive some of the excitement from your dating phase. Resume actual romantic date nights, try new things and go new places together, experiment more wildly in the bedroom.
Your boyfriend communicated to you that he is not attracted to you the same way, thinks you deserve better than the relationship y’all have and now has cut sex from the menu. Luv, the man has laid it out for you! He has all but pulled the actual trigger and ended it.
You do deserve better. You can’t change the way he moves through relationships. I know it’s hard to walk away from something you spent so much time building but it’s OKAY to do just that. It sounds like he is already on his way to checking out so stop clinging to what was and move on to what your future may bring! You will both be happier in the long run. I wish you the best, love is hard.