Two years ago I (28F) started dating my boyfriend (30M) and about 6 months after dating we moved in together.
When we started dating we talked about our past relationships etc. I was married but left due to his abusive ways and he mentioned that he was in a relationship for 2 years. He also mentioned how he’s travelled abroad, gained international work experience in the UK and how he’s studied many things. But unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to secure a position in his field, he works as a janitor.
He also mentioned that he was still really good friends with his ex and how their break up in 2015 was amicable and no hard feelings and that he still cherishes what they have and their friendship. He would mention that they’ve had arguments but nothing too serious and that the arguments were because she was the jealous type. Yesterday, i was on the computer and saw that he had left his email page opened. I saw that he sent a long happy birthday email to his ex. At that moment, i got her name and searched her on social media. I saw that she is a beautiful woman, married, with two kids, works a job where she probably earns upwards $90,000/year, her husband owns a business and they’re living the typical suburban dream.
However, I noticed that her life is the life that my boyfriend portrayed for himself. I saw pictures of her travelling abroad and making new friends abroad, graduating with degrees he claims to have and from what I saw, she left the country to move to the UK which is where she met her now husband.
So today i messaged her and asked about how she knew my boyfriend and what was their relationship like and why she’s still in touch with him. Her side of things was not what he described at all. She told me how he was nice at first then showed signs of being toxic. He would pull her hair and berate her in public, rip her clothes, punch holes in the walls, bash her head against walls, stalk her, smash her phones, claim he was suicidal if she plannned on leaving and isolating her from her friends. She said that while all of this was happening, she would secretly save money, leave her ID, bank cards and laptop at her cousins house. She managed to secure a UK work permit and because he wasn’t on her lease, she gave her landlord a 30 day notice and when he went to work at that 30th day, she up and left the country. She later met the man who is now her husband.
Long story short, she showed me old messages of him harassing her, her mother, nieces and nephews and threatening them. He even harassed her now husband and his friends and showed me screenshots from other girls he was cheating with. She said she was surprised that he told me that they were friends because she said that she has erased that part of her life that was a nightmare and that she is always blocking him on social media because he always creates new accounts to add her, blocking his multiple emails. She also found it weird that the lies he told me was based on her life. She told me to be careful and wished me the best but didn’t want to get too involved as she is now married with children and (obviously) thriving.
He hasn’t done anything abusive to me in the two years we’ve known each other while I do believe her, how should I proceed in confronting him? Why would he claim all these things ?
TLDR; my boyfriend kept claiming him and his ex are good friends. His ex stated that he was extremely abusive and 8 years after the breakup he continues to contact her. She is now married and a mom. He made lies about who he is but it’s the ex gfs reality.
11 comments
>He hasn’t done anything abusive to me in the two years we’ve known each other
He’s completely lied to you about who he is and what he does. You have no idea who he really is. He’s not been what you consider abusive because he’s been cosplaying as his ex. You haven’t met him at all.
>He hasn’t done anything abusive to me in the two years we’ve known each other
Yet.
But it’s coming.
How the hell are you not running for the hills?
Don’t confront him. He clearly has the capacity to be extremely violent. Just start planning your escape.
Do *NOT* confront him.
Disentangle yourself and fucking *run*.
At this point your still boyfriend is a medical case and a missed police case. Don’t think you’d want to contemplate being part of either scenario going forward. I’d also suggest that someone in your life knows what’s going on, someone close.
Say goodbye and leave, in my view. You have a whole life ahead of you to live in joy.
How can he honestly say they are good friends if she can honestly say they are not? Setting aside the abusive portion, he just lied to you.
Do you have friends or is he isolating you from them? Do you have your own income and freedom with your money or does he have financial oversight? Do you both have equal say in decisions or does it feel like you are eventually going with his choices?
The fact that you felt the need to reach out to this woman he supposedly hasn’t been romantically linked to in years and contact her about him tells me you’re not being honest with yourself about your doubts. I don’t know if confronting him is the safest thing at least until you have a back up plan to get out if things go wrong because this seems like a very unsafe situation with a very unstable man that is still trying to reach out to his ex that he abused years before you. Even if you did confront him you already know he lies about everything so what are you going to gain? How could you trust him? I would run before he turns on you.
Do NOT confront him. You need to quietly plan an escape the same way his ex did.
Do not confront him; it will escalate badly. Please be careful; make your exit plan quietly. He’s been lying to you, and he is dangerous. All the best.