Hi guys, so I’ll try to be as descriptive as possible, I’m just looking for some advice here as I’m not really sure what to do anymore. TL;DR at the bottom.
I have been dating this girl for about a year now, about 4 months in she moved in with me to continue her education (it was the only way to get enough money to stay in university) I knew she wouldn’t have a good paying job or anything like that so I told her that she could stay with me as long as she did the basic chores around the house. (before you call me a lazy asshole…) The deal is that I work my full time job, I pay all the bills, I take her everywhere (she doesn’t have a car) and in return I won’t ask her for the little money she makes, and she will cook(she loves to cook) and clean.
Now that that has been established…she doesn’t hold up her end of the bargin. I have tried to be nice about it. I have helped her out with it a little, I made it into a fun little game (we are into DDLG) so I created a chore chat with little stickers and reward’s for doing her stuff. Nothing works, we will argue, the stuff gets done and then less then a week later is back to the same stuff, she either half asses the work, or doesn’t do it at all.
Now, I understand that sometimes it can’t get done 100% of the time, she does work a little job, and does goes to classes. So I am completely understanding of that. Butttttt the last month she has been out for university break, and just sits around the house all day and does nothing. I will come home and the dishes are stacked 10 high (side note we have had a dishwasher since we moved in) laundry isn’t done, things aren’t tidy. She will cook which I love but just leaves everything out, egg shells, bowls, everything. We have had arguments about it all the time, and frankly I am very tired of doing this and it’s killing my love for her as it seems I have to baby sit her and fully support another human being just for nothing. I don’t make a lot of money but I make enough to get by.
I care about her, and tbh If she doesn’t live with me, she will be unable to go to university as her family lives 5 hours away and cannot afford to live in the dormatorys or to find her own apartment. But at the same time. I don’t want fully support someone anymore that can’t do the little things that were agreed upon.
I’m scared and don’t really know what to do so any advice would be appreciated! If anyone needs more information on the post, feel free to ask, I think I covered everything but I could be wrong.
Thanks for reading!
TL;DR
Gf moved in with me under the pretenses that I will pay all the bills and take her everywhere, and she takes care of the house. She doesn’t do her portion of it and I can’t deal with it anymore
2 comments
Put all of her mess to the side and have her deal with it. Just clean up after yourself. Tell her to take the bus or an Uber and don’t drive her all around. Stop doing a bunch of stuff for her and tell her she’s an adult who needs to act like one. If she keeps freeloaders off of you, you might have to kick her out unless this is how you want your life to be.
So what was her plan in going to university and paying bills? Because if she hadn’t moved in with you then she wouldn’t be able to continue, that seems like poor planning on her part. Many people get student loans and are able to survive so what makes her any different? Oh yes she managed to find someone willing to support her within 4 months of dating. Not saying that that is convienient but might look that way to some.
What are you scared about? You are not her parent and she is an adult who has chosen to get education and not found a way to pay for it, why does that mean that you have to? All you asked was for her to do some chores and besides that to clean up after herself which is totally normal.
I would say that in some families the one that cooks doesn’t washup, so maybe she has some expectations of spiltting cooking and cleaning, but with a dishwasher this should not be an issue.
Time to set some boundaries and consequences for the situation, goals need a time limit, so she needs to keep the house clean everyday with certain tasks in return for something that isn’t just living in my house as that won’t be a strong enough incentive for everyday. It should be but if someone doesn’t participate in say paying the bills then it doesn’t register as a cost often.
I would explain that in return for xx cost which is rent and money she is being paid x for the housework in absence of rent money and bills money. Make that your sticker chart that she pays the rent and for each day she gets x back. Or she is earning x rent each week. Make the work mean something more than generally being tidier.
Or give her a deadline and mean it.