I seriously feel like there’s a lump in my throat. I just moved to this city (and this country) and have been trying to watch more live music so I can learn some stuff. I saw a local indie rock band put a flyer up so I came tonight.
The music was fantastic. The scene was cool and the band members gave me some really good insight about songwriting and jamming afterwards. But I still feel like I’ve let myself down.
I’ve been in the city im in for nearly six weeks and I still haven’t made a single friend. Though my goal wasn’t necessarily to make a lifelong friend tonight, I just wanted to finally converse with people tonight. And I tried. I genuinely surprised myself with how many people I tried to talk to tonight, and though there definitely were some really nice people, I just felt rejected by the end—it’s probably irrational and coming from a place of insecurity, but I feel this way at the moment. It felt like people were really interested in the conversation at first and then they just wanted to stay away from me. I’d bump into them later and say “hi ___!” and I’d get looked at kind of weird—a way that made me feel like a nuisance. Like my presence just now had ruined their otherwise good mood.
The whole time I was thinking to myself “why couldn’t you be more extroverted?! why are you like this!!” which sucks of me to do. My low self esteem even attributed people’s attitude to me (how I perceived it) as the result of my appearance. I think all this loneliness these past few weeks has plummeted my self esteem.
Anyway, I start college soon. Everybody back home tells me I’ll make friends there. I hope. It’s a community college but that’s better than nothing. I miss deep talks with people. And hugs.
2 comments
Don’t give up. This might have been a fluke. Try again and again and again. Things should fall into place eventually. But if you let yourself down because it didn’t work out at the concert, it will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You can do it. I truly believe that.
By chance did the conversations go long? Because that may not have been the place to have long conversations. And greeting new people by name sounds like a good idea, but if they can’t remember your name, then you’ve put them in an awkward position.