The difference between ‘relating’ vs ‘one-upping’

I’m autistic and initially posted this in r/aspergers, this too seems like a good place to ask and a great community who might have some insight.

My apologies for such a long post, thank you to anybody who takes the time to read it.

This is something I struggle with deciphering a lot – the difference between

– someone sharing a story of their own in response to something I’ve said, in an effort to empathise with me, relate, show their understanding or maybe try to make me feel less alone

**VS**

– dismissing my struggles, feeling theirs’ is more deserving to take up space in the conversation, not attempting to try to understand just how difficult neurodivergence is and downplaying its’ effect on my daily life, or maybe just simply not caring.

—

I’ve noticed this phenomena a lot. I notice it regularly outside of situations involving myself too – two people in conversation, one says they’re tired because they only slept maybe 5 hours instead of 8, the other person asserts “omg you’ve no idea how tired * *I* * am, I only slept *3 hours* last night!”- so many little examples like that seem to make their way into general interpersonal communication.

There are a lot of hallmarks of ASD that many people in general do struggle with at times – overwhelm, frustration, anxiety. I understand that, and wouldn’t wish any of how I feel every day on anybody. Being autistic, these things are very deeply ingrained in me while also being very difficult to to cope with, I have a very low tolerance to these difficulties and struggle not to be a mess all the time. They make my life hell on a daily basis. But I dont feel like I can express this to people in my life without coming across as doing the very thing I’m expressing frustration with in this post.

I’m trying to think of good examples to share.

– I have scoliosis with slipped and bulging discs, I suffer with back and neck pain. I express my back is sore, I get
>”Ugh I had to clean my house earlier my back is so sore I took a painkiller earlier but it’s still so bad I dont know how I’m going to go to work tomorrow…” etc.

– I struggle a lot with dissociative anxiety. It affects my vision, hearing and proprioception. My body goes numb and my thoughts start to not make sense to me. Everything feels so intensely dark and oppressive. My heart pounds out of my chest. Every little tiny sound, it feels like the way it feels when someone jumps out behind something to scare you, the way your heart skips a beat with the fright. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It can vary in exactly how all-consuming it is, at its’ worst it’s absolutely desperately terrifying, but at any stage it’s an horrible feeling once it starts.
I try to express this, usually after the fact because I cant express anything in that state besides being scared. It can be met with something along the lines of
>”I had a difficult customer in work today they made me feel so anxious like I hate dealing with rude people I cried on my break and was in a bad mood for the rest of my shift it’s so difficult being anxious” or something.

It’s not that these aren’t valid things to struggle with, I dont like when anybody feels bad, it’s the fact that these are the format of responses brought up any time I try to be vunerable and express my feelings. I find it difficult in the first place to even know how I’m feeling or how to articulate it, it’s uncomfortable to do, which adds a layer of difficulty.

—

I try to listen to people when they talk, I try to recognise when somebody is hurting and just needs someone to listen – listening to listen and not to just respond. I really try to give good advice if I feel I can. Of course, absolutely none of this comes naturally to me with autism, at all. But I try because it seems a nice thing to do.
I really try not to bring my own issues into these conversations despite whatever pain I’m in, because it hurts me when others do it to me and I dont want others to feel the way I feel. It feels dismissive, it feels like how much I struggle is invalid, it feels like nobody recognises that maybe I might struggle more than most people because of the nature of autism? I feel like I cant say that, I feel like I’m not allowed even consider that. It feels like I should just shut up because “it’s hard for everyone, not just you, you’re not the only one struggling don’t you know?”

Is it just a human thing – to need to assert you feel you have it worse than anyone else who has a problem, because everyone is the center of their own worlds? Or conversely, maybe everyone just wants to feel heard, maybe a lot of people struggle in this society to feel like anyone ‘sees’ them, a lot of people feel lonely and misunderstood and desperately want other people to recognise it. I dont know.

Sometimes it’s hard to be considerate and compassionate towards people when I feel there are very few situations where someone does the same for me. Then I dont feel like a virtuous person, because being nice to others shouldn’t depend on others being nice to me. Or am I just too sensitive and have a victim mentality? Is this just something people do that I have to get used to and not take so much to heart?

This has turned into many questions of which I dont expect to get answers to all. I know I tend to overthink things to my own detriment. I’m just curious to hear any insight from any angle on the topic. Thank you all, I hope you’re all doing well.