I have had a constant issue with relationships since I was really young and I’m not sure how to repair it.
My parents were hateful and verbally abusive to one another, they were also verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards me. This was mainly my mother. She was extremely abusive mentally/emotionally. My father was an emotionally distant alcoholic.
When I was in the 9th grade I started seeing an older guy. I believe he was 18 and I was 15. He started beating on me severely but I stayed with him, it honestly just seemed normal I guess at the time considering what home life was like. I stayed with him until 6 months after graduation, so around 4 years. There were other traumatic events after these not mentioned.
Now as an adult I have constant issues with relationships. It starts out perfectly and then I tend to start sabotaging around 4 months in. They do things I don’t like or they hurt me in some way and it goes downhill. This usually causes the relationship to end and causes more pain.
My question is for people dealing with the same issues, how do you keep yourself from sabotaging? How do you cope with abandonment issues?
I go on bouts of wanting to be with them forever and then psyching myself out and wanting to leave. They do things that hurt me and I hold a grudge/get resentful. At the same time, them leaving causes extreme emotional distress. I believe I do it for self preservation.
Inb4 therapy – I’m seeing a therapist and I’m here to get feedback from people with similar issues.
I also have ADHD – I’ve also looked into BPD for the abandonment issues and self sabotage.