Lately Ive been having a really hard time expressing my emotions. Im scared to laugh, crack jokes, change my tone of voice, the list goes on. I have sort of always been like this because of my upbringing but lately I feel like a shell of who I once was and my anxiety is at an all time high. In my childhood anytime I were to express myself I was immediately shut down by my family. They would often ‘ew’ at me if I were to laugh, call me weird/retarded, mock my voice, tell me out of nowhere that no one loves me and when I cried they just brush it off as a “joke”. If I was laughing I was “up to no good/lying”, if I was crying it was always “for attention/fake crying”, if I got angry it was “youre going to end up just like x abusive person in the family!”, really any emotion that I expressed was reconstructed to build some kind of narrative that I was a horrible person by the majority of my family. I understand why I am the way that I am but I have no idea how to undo or overcome the trauma that they caused me. Ive gotten so bad that sometimes ill go months without speaking to anyone but my closest friends. I wish to be able to express myself normally without anxiety. Im trying to put myself out there by joining a club at college but quite frankly i’m terrified. If anyone has any similar experiences to mine and how they overcame it, Id like to hear it
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Since you have childhood family trauma I highly recommend watching this therapist for help. He’s super through with his examples of how to deconstruct trauma just like yours and gives some coping skill exercises to build up a healthy mindset. https://youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy aka Patrick Teahan if link doesn’t work
Do you have anyone around you who usually reacts nicely towards you? It doesn’t have to be a close loved one. Even a nice acquaintance is fine.
Whenever you’re around people who feel “safe,” try expressing yourself a bit more. If they react positively, remember that and use it to inspire you to keep going.
It’s okay to feel closed off around judgmental people, like your family. I’m pretty good at expressing myself, but I would not be open with people who are mean and not accepting of my emotions.
Finally, I suggest you check out Brene Brown’s work. She’s a researcher who studies vulnerability and shame. I think her work can help you understand a lot about yourself. She has Ted Talks, books, and a podcast.