Just a little vent

Hello everyone.

Just want to open myself with someone and maybe hear some thoughts and it feels easier to open up with complete strangers.

I’m 32, I’m a physician, everyone openly claims that they like working with me because I’m friendly, a problem solver and always nice. I like my job even if I work in an haematologic ward which can be stressful.

I’m fit, I like running, skiing and mountain hiking above all. I also enjoy hanging out with people, going to the cinema, theater and all kind of stuff, I am not picky and I am a good company despite not being “the life of the party”.

I have struggled with mild depression for something like 25 years due to family issues that started when I was aged 4. I ended up dreading other people’s judgement, becoming a people pleaser (I definitely have no boundaries and people often takes advantage of me), I always had such an hard time expressing my own needs and wishes to the point that I can’t even recognize them. I am not assertive and always obliging. My self esteem has always been poor and i feel like I am not emotionally independent, I crave for constant reassurance from people I like and my self-validation comes from outside sources, since I can’t provide it myself. I also often have thoughts about not being good enough and i end up loathing me. And self-isolating. I have one close friend on which I rely, but we have not that much in common.

I had only one meaningful relationship that lasted 14 years and came to an end last summer. Since I started working, my connections with other people flourished, so did my social skills and my desire to go out and become more social. My former GF (which has always been jealous) became especially jealous of a coworker of mine which I was becoming very close to. Like, kind of obsessed: we couldn’t even study together. Every time we tried to hang out (involving her too) she made up excuses and expected me not to go as well, and if I did otherwise (sometimes I did), it always ended in quarrels and fights. I grew so sick that I eventually took the boldest decision of my life and left her.

And that’s when my social anxiety kicked in. I realized I always have been really passive and hardly had any control on my life. I mostly indulged my GF and was good about that, without even thinking what I would have liked. Now the choice is so vast it is scary. I have no problems in dealing with coworkers or strangers as well, until it is a superficial social interaction. But as soon as someone shows interest in me (and it is happening quite often too), I panic. I can’t really be open and honest and true about myself, because I am not even sure of who I am myself. So I started rejecting people closest to me and self-isolating once again, because my self-esteem sank and I dread people acknowledging my insecurities and fears. I am now so burnt-out that I am turning back to my ex-GF to find relieve, I am confiding to her and she seems open to try again with our relationship. But I don’t think I feel, or ever will, the same as before.

I am in a place in which I think I should be happy and proud of myself, everyone is giving me so much praise. I should try new things and explore myself a bit. And yet I feel meaningless and dull and devoid of emotions. Like I have nothing to share, because I never really took charge of my life. I don’t know if anyone can relate to this rant and give me some feedback. I am really scared and sad. And I even feel guilty about this, because I don’t have any real issue (I mean, my patients are afflicted by leukemias or lymphomas, while I am healthy, wealthy, kind of smart, caring and safe).