TLDR she lied to me about texting a friend she used to flirt with but showed me that she was basically telling him she is in a relationship and is very happy with and that he needs to move on. I want to give her the chance to prove she is on the up and up but am having trouble with it.
Sorry for the novel
We have been together a year and a half, known each other on and off for a lot longer. Around 2 years ago before we got together she, Jane, told me about a good friend of hers, Jake, she had known for roughly 10 years. The conversation started off with how she sees attraction as being something very different from thinking someone is good looking. To her attraction means she is attracted to the person as a whole, looks and personality and mind. She told me there have been very few men she was actually attracted to the way she views it. I’m one of them and Jake was another. She said she was only attracted to him for a brief time and it stopped shortly after she found out he was married. She says they made out once but nothing more.
When we got together and she would tell me more about how things were when they would hang out I became very uncomfortable with the situation. She told me he still had feelings for her even though he was still married and wasn’t shy at all about expressing them. We talked about it, my insecurities about it, the history, me not wanting to be the asshole that says it’s that friend or me. She decided she would stop being friends with him. She told me she would tell me if he text her and that she wouldn’t text him back.
About a year ago we were, I would say I was having some issues with trust and went through her phone. I found a text conversation with him that she started and they were flirting. I told her I found it and she said it wasn’t flirting, even though no one in their right mind would see it as anything other than flirting. I know a lot of people will say I should have ended things then but I chose not to so here I am.
Since then she has told me about a few times he texted her and she made the conversations short and to the point and no flirting, she showed me them.
We both have our faults of course, I’m not claiming to be an angel, I have HSV2 and didn’t tell her about it right away for example. About a month ago we started talking about everything in our lives together a lot more seriously and consistently, we have decided we truly want to move on to the next step and move in together. We are very much in love and very much want to continue our relationship. With this came us promising each other complete transparency and complete honesty.
A few weeks ago something happened and I thought I had processed or and moved on. One morning we were having our coffee together before getting ready for work. She got a text and her face changed and she showed it to me. It was Jake. He was being flirty and asking how she was doing. We talked about it and she said she wouldn’t text him back. I felt ok about it and put it behind me, I had a lot going on to keep me occupied and didn’t think too much of it. Two days later she told me she did text him back and showed me the conversation. She wanted me to see that she was telling him how happy she is with me now and that we are moving in together. She never explicitly told him that they could no longer be friends and to stop texting her but the gist was there, kind of.
Obviously all I could see and think was that she lied to me, she thought that the context of what she said would be more important than the fact that she lied. We talked about it a lot. I decided to keep going with her, that while she didn’t do things the right way, she should have told me she wanted to text him and why, her intentions were in the right place.
I managed not to dwell on it for a while until this morning. Now it’s starting to bug me again, which I expected. I feel a bunch of ways, like maybe ask her to block him and delete his number, or give me access to her phone. But then again I don’t think either of those things would really matter in the end, but then again the phone access might. Even though I know she could try to hide things after several months to a year if she was trying to she would slip up.
I’m looking for thoughts and opinions on the actual situation here, of all you are going to say is “she lied dump her and move on” please don’t bother, I understand that’s going to be most of the opinions and I’m looking for the non echo chamber opinions.
5 comments
Idk what you’re looking for but it seems like she doesn’t have good boundaries at respecting your relationship. She’s over 40 had plenty of time to mature and understand relationships at this age, so I’m not so sure she’ll ever really change, this is who she is your most likely to continue to face this problem. Since this shakes your trust be prepared to have a relationship you won’t be able to trust in from here on out unfortunately that’s probably your only solution to accept this is who she is, since you don’t want to break up.
Talk to her please, she should know that she crossed a boundary. If nothing else, just talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling.
I don’t see this as a lie? She changed her mind, decided to text him back, was pretty straightforward about that (ie she told you and showed you pretty quickly, it’s not like you “found them”) and let him know she’s happy in her relationship. I’m not sure what the problem is here.
Personally, I think you are going too far down the “controlling” road if she needs to ask permission to text someone back. That’s crazy to me.
I think you need to decide if you trust her or you don’t. To me, her actions show that she’s aware of your boundaries and conscious of them – and that she’s not trying to entertain his flirtiness…
If you feel you have to be her phone police and she should ask permission to text someone, you should probably just break up, IMO.
>She told me she would tell me if he text her and that she wouldn’t text him back.
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>About a year ago we were, I would say I was having some issues with trust and went through her phone. I found a text conversation with him that she started and they were flirting
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>I have HSV2 and didn’t tell her about it right away for example.
Well, that last bit puts a different spin on things (your putting her unknowingly at risk of an incurable though likely innocuous disease). It raises the bar as to what would be seen as unforgiveable imo, on her part.
She’s been sloppy, but her heart appears to be in the right place.
Maintaining a friendship and contact with Jake appears untenable as it is clearly jeopardizing your relationship with her, so I think she should be asked to *block* him, after one last texting convo to explain to him the reasoning (to which you’re shown).
You……want access to her phone?
I have been with my husband for over 11 years. Not ONCE in our entire relationship has he EVER asked for access to my phone. You clearly have some serious trust issues that you need to work on.
But you know who wanted to keep tabs on me like this and asked about every person who called my house? My mentally and physically abusive alcoholic ex boyfriend. 🙃