Sexless Marriage and no hopes of things getting better anytime soon.

I will try to make it as short as I can. Need suggestions on what to do:

**Background:** I am 35M living in the United states. Around 2015 I met a girl in college. She was pretty, beautiful, a scholar and very different from most girls around. We fell in love. She was naïve when it came to sex, she had no prior partners, no ex-boyfriends, no sexual interactions and didn’t have a clue about sex. At that time I knew what I was signing up for but I had a hope that things would eventually get better over time. It was a weird case that I have never experienced before.

**Marriage:** Our love was strong and we decided to move forward with it. After graduating, We both got jobs in different locations. So we maintained a long distance relationship for 3 years. We got married in 2019 and in mid-2019 we moved in together.

**Current:** We have been married for 4 years now. We have not had sex yet. We do cuddling, kissing and rubbing our genitals together that seems to give her pleasure but no penetration. The frequency is extremely low, I can count that in the last 4 years since our marriage we have only been intimate for less than 50-60 times (once a month or once every 2 months). Since she had not had any experience with sex, she considers BJ’s etc. as unhygienic practices and I got that hardly 3-4 times in the last 4 years.

**Diagnosis and other problems:** The diagnosis made by my wife’s therapist was Vaginismus but this is not the whole problem. The truth is that I never attempted penetration. It’s because I tried 2-3 times and she used to get really scared so after those 2-3 attempts I never tried sexual penetration. I believe she has a fear of sexual penetration.

There are other problems too, she gets scared when I touch her breasts and feels extremely sensitive on other parts too. Even when I try to slip my hand on her stomach (not attempting to touch her breasts at all), she puts her guards to protect her breasts. Forget about touching vagina, I haven’t had the courage to even think about it.

Even while kissing, if I put my tongue into her mouth she gets zoned out. It takes an enormous amount of time to turn her on. When she takes a shower, she by herself does not comfortably touch her breasts.

My wife also has unexplainable body aches. We are unable to find a source of the problem too. The aches are mostly in the lower body region but every now and then she experiences aches in other body parts as well.

**Steps Taken so far:** Over the last 4 years we have taken steps to solve this problem. We have continuously tried couple’s therapy, sex therapy, physical therapy, neurofeedback, psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and spent hundreds and thousands of dollars. Doctors keep sending us in different directions. Most of the psychotherapists only tell her that she does not have to have sex if she does not want to instead of solving our problems. Even my therapist told me that.

I have not introduced my wife to porn yet because it may have the reverse effect. Even a rough movie scene scares her so I am afraid what if she feels even more disgusted and scared.

I have been extremely careful, patient and slow in introducing things. I don’t think I have rushed anything anytime. Even at the peak of my excitement.

Her physical therapist has made progress, she was able to insert a (very) small size dilator after 1 year of therapy but when my wife or I try to insert the dilator she gets scared and we have been unsuccessful so far.

**My Background:** I was abused sexually as a child and although I don’t have many memories from that time it did affect me in many ways. Growing up, I was hyper sexual. I used to watch a lot of porn and masturbated about 4-5 times a day for over 18 years. I was recently told by a therapist that it is an addiction. Ever since I realized that it’s an addiction, I immediately got it under control. It wasn’t difficult. I Have not watched porn for over 6 months and I hardly masturbated in the past 6 months.

I consider myself attractive, not in super shape but I do get complimented a lot and I get a lot of attention from other women. When I was in shape, I got asked out a lot too. I have had a couple of previous sexual relationships.

I have ADHD, learning disability and few other issues that come with it. Although my life was difficult and sometimes it is still difficult, I have my life in control. I am very disciplined and I can call myself successful.

I am an emotional guy and I have to form a bond before getting intimate. I can’t form a bond with anyone because I am in love with my wife. This attribute in me eliminates all the other temporary options like strip club, one night stand etc.

**Other Contributing Factors :** I have a chronic fear of rejection. I used to ask my wife for sex but she refused many times. Slowly I stopped asking frequently. I only ask when I am unable to control, which is rare. She on the other hand, in the past 4 years, only initiated intimacy 5-6 times. Her low libido and my F.O.R., makes a bad combination.

**Our Relationship :** We are a happy couple, we both have great understanding, we communicate well. We both have decent income. We support each other in each other’s goals. We love and care for each other’s family. We have mature conversations. We have occasional fights, which I feel are necessary in a relationship. She is an awesome cook. We study together, go on dates, plan vacations, buy each other meaningful and thoughtful gifts. We bought a house recently. I love her and I am absolutely sure she loves me too.

**Situation:** I am 35, been in this relationship for 8 years, and haven’t had sex in the past 10 years. My peak years are already gone and I don’t know how long it would take for things to be in place. I hardly have 10 more years left for sex life, I am unsure what to do next. Even if we start having sex, the frequency will still be low, and I made peace that there are things that I possibly will never be able to do in life.

kissing/touching breasts, fingering or even normally touching the body, getting a BJ it all seems like a dream to me.

**Reason for posting:** one, I wanted to let this all out. And two, any suggestions are welcomed here. Help me find these answers (Please consider that Divorce is not an option here).

**Questions:**

**Q1.** I have been thinking of buying a torch, it is not a solution but It’s been a long time since I felt that movement. I am not sure how I should convey this to my wife or is it even a good idea to get one? I don’t want to make her feel bad.

**Q2.** I am practicing no-fap because of the addiction part. I have had some really long streaks in the recent past but my motivation is often crushed by thinking about how long I will be able to do this.

**Q3.** We talk a lot about this situation, but this lack of intimacy has created a distance. It’s uncomfortable for me to indulge into silly things that lovers do. This distance only appears in things related to sex. Is it possible to fill this gap?

**Q4.** How do I explain to my wife that I feel extremely sad thinking about all this? I can’t see a way anytime in the near future. I especially feel sad and frustrated when I feel excited and can’t do anything about it?

**Q5.** Should I introduce(carefully) my wife to soft-porn? Anything (videos, education videos magazines etc.) that is recommended?

**Q6.** Even if we have penetrative sex, this inability to kiss freely and touch body parts freely turns me off, sex does not remain interesting, all the time I feel that I accidentally might touch at the wrong place and it will be a turn off for both of us. Is there anything that can be done with this part?

**Q7.** Lastly, any suggestion will be helpful. Please don’t judge me. It’s been hard on me and I have been very patient but have not gotten the support from anywhere.