My bf (23M) and I (22F) are in a relationship of 4 months. There’s a lot of great things and a lot of not so great things about our relationship.
Long story, earlier today he apologized for changing his plans last night. He had told me he was going to go out but he didn’t and just stayed out. Mind you, I was at home asleep the entire time in question. I responded that he doesn’t need to tell me where he’s at all the time and apologize for things like that. I told him I like knowing he gets home safe when he does go out.
He did not like that response I guess? He then proceeded to list reasons why it’s important to tell each other every time we go out, how it’s a courtesy and respect thing for one another, and that it’s important to him to know where I am no matter the time of day. He wants me to ALWAYS keep him updated on my whereabouts.
Frankly put, I don’t care if he’s out with friends. I like to know about his day and if he’s safe and if he had fun, but I don’t NEED to know because we have great quality time and conversations as it is.
I do still tell him where I am because that’s just how our conversations go, but something about the HAVING to tell him part deeply unsettles me. I’ve had exes in the past be very controlling or stalkerish with this information. I am also just a very independent person.
There is a history of anxiety and paranoia around our relationship on his end that requires me to reassure him daily, and I never mind because I know it only takes 30 seconds to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him. I have anxiety myself so I don’t hold it against him. But this all together has been just a little much for me and I feel like I can’t tell him this bothers me without sounding like I have something to hide or that I’m cold because I don’t care where he is when I’m not with him.
TLTR: my boyfriend expects me to keep him updated on all my whereabouts and it unsettles me. How do I tell him this without sounding suspicious or cold?
4 comments
Sounds a bit narcissistic or in the least controlling tbh get out while you can after three months this is not a healthy relationship
Run for the hills girl. If it’s only been 4 months and he’s already this controlling, then it’s only going to get worse. No one needs to know where you are 24/7, not even your family so why would a guy be any different? It’s clear that he doesn’t trust you and want’s to control that aspect of your life. This shows immaturity on his part.
Here’s the thing, some guys don’t like their girlfriends going out without them telling them, it makes them feel uncomfortable and anxious. I get it, you can’t control how you feel and if this is their first relationship even more. But a mature, right in the head, guy would just suck it up and communicate his feelings to you. At this point you would acknowledge his feelings, but tell him that you take your privacy very seriously and his as well. The worse you can do is tell him that you’ll do whatever he says because he’ll continue to manipulate you. You need to stablished boundaries quickly, and he needs to understand that.
Yeah, HUGE red flag! To an extent, it’s smart to have someone somewhat clued in as to your plans, so if something were to happen to you people would have a clue where to start looking – particularly if you live alone. But the EXPECTATION that you constantly keep him apprised of your whereabouts is deeply concerning. This is the kind of dude who will secretly put a tracker on your phone. 😳 I’d nope right out of this one, if I were you. 😬
> something about the HAVING to tell him part deeply unsettles me.
I was waiting for the part where he has you fitted for an ankle bracelet.
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> I can’t tell him this bothers me without sounding like I have something to hide or that I’m cold because I don’t care where he is when I’m not with him.
Here’s a radical solution:
*Trust each other, and be deserving of each other’s trust.*
That should put both of you at ease.