TLDR: I can’t have kids and my MIL is pressuring me to have children somehow.
So I recently got married to my boyfriend of many years and it’s been wonderful. However my mil can be problematic.
She’s sometimes overstepped boundaries in the past but nothing serious and we’ve been able to move through things ok. Now we’re married she’s started talking about children. She knows my body is incapable of carrying children and I’m ok with this, however I don’t want children in any way at all. I don’t want to adopt, I don’t want a surrogate, I don’t want children in my life I’m responsible for in any way.
I enjoy my life with my animals and husband and don’t want to add children into this. My husband agrees with me but my mother in law wants grand babies, somehow anyhow and lately has been dropping increasing hints about it even though both me and my husband have shut her down she continues to do so. I guess I’m asking for advice on how to deal with this because it’s starting to get annoying and she wasn’t like this before we married.
27 comments
“The next time you start in on me or my wife about babies, we will leave/hang up the phone and take distance from you for one day. The next time after that it will be two days. Then three. Then four. Please notice that technically YOU are the one in control of how often we choose to be around you, and make your decisions accordingly.”
And then do exactly that.
She starts in on the phone? “We told you not to talk about this. Goodbye.”
She starts in at her house? Same thing.
Is she really only 40? If she wants young children in her life, she can pursue adoption, foster care, surrogacy, or even another pregnancy for herself!
Expecting another person to produce children for her to spoil or brag about is really weird and you have every right to point that out to her.
This is on your husband to get straightened out. He needs to have a straight foward discussion with his mil.
This is largely the responsibility of your husband since it’s his mom, but he needs to be very clear with her that her boundary crossing is having a negative impact on his and your relationship with her and that her behavior makes him want to spend less time with her. The next time she badgers you about this in-person, simply get up and leave. Sometimes people won’t alter their behavior unless they’re shown that there are real consequences for being pushy and since talking to her about it isn’t working, there’s a lot of power in refusing to engage and just walking away.
This is a problem your husband has to solve, not you.
He needs to explain how hurtful and problematic her words are, that this is not the direction in life he has chosen, and draw some firm boundaries.
But it has to come from your husband. She is likely going to get defensive and maybe a little hurt either way – but if it comes from you, she will more likely hold a grudge.
Sounds like a pretty crappy situation – sorry you have to deal with this BS. I’ll toss out a couple suggestions.
– Tell her that if she wants children so badly, she can have them herself.
– Get an airhorn and honk it any time she mentions you having children.
– End the interaction any time she brings up you having children. Stop responding to texts, end the call, leave the visit, etc. Make sure she knows why. “MIL, you know we won’t be having children. I’m not willing to tolerate hearing your insistence any more. I’m done with this conversation now.” You could even introduce a strike system where each progressive strike will lead to a longer period of no contact.
– Act like you don’t get it. “Oh haha, you must be talking about somebody else, because I KNOW you remember us saying we don’t want kids (note the “united front” language to avoid her pinning the childfree decision on just you). Unless you’ve forgotten? Are you okay? Have you found that you’ve been forgetting other things as well? Maybe you should go to the doctor.” If she brings it up again, double down on this concern. “Wow, maybe we should make that doctor’s appointment for you. Probably we should bring you to your appointment, just to make sure you don’t forget. It’s okay MIL, I know it’s hard, but we’ll get to the bottom of this problem you’re having.”
– If you think it would intimidate rather than encourage her, REALLY crank up that emotional reaction. How insensitive of her to remind you of such a sore topic! Crocodile tears, sniffling and wailing, rolling around on the ground. Bring your partner in on it too. Full-on meltdown temper tantrum. This suggestion is mostly a joke though because of all the ways it could go sour.
– Lie. Get one of those fake positive pregnancy tests and leave it in an obvious or easily snoopable place. Mention this weird nausea you’ve been having in the morning. Get her thinking real good. Then gaslight the shit out of her. (This one is a bit mean and messy, but hey, sometimes ya gotta go nuclear.)
If your MIL wants a baby that bad, she can still have one. She’s only 40.
But seriously. You and your husband agree and that’s all there is to it.
He tells her nicely to STFU. Please and thank you.
If she talks to you directly, tell her you agree with your husband. Leave it alone.
We all must learn to manage our MILs.
At some point, hopefully sooner than later, for your sake, you need to deal with this head-on.
Do not mince words, try to be nice, delicate, or diplomatic.
Tell her straight up that you do not wish to discuss this. It is not a topic you will engage in. You do not want to hear about it. Please keep these thoughts to yourself.
And after that, just hang up, change the subject, walk out of the room, etc.
Assuming your marriage is for life, then dealing with your MIL starts now. And it sounds like you are going to have to get very real with her.
As in really pointed, direct, clear, and categorical.
Just say no to discussions about kiddies.
It’s your husbands place to call off his mother. Stop engaging with her.
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You don’t deal with this. Your husband does.
Never allow family members into your relationship, he either needs to put her in check or risk you walking out.
Is he an only child? My in-laws got hard on the baby train and started bringing it up constantly despite us having shut them down saying we didn’t want kids. Eventually I started replying with “oh, is sister-in-law pregnant?” anytime they’d express their eagerness for grandchildren. It didn’t stop them completely from making comments, but they have certainly become fewer.
I read this as ‘MILF pressuring me to have children somehow’…
Have him deal with his mom. Ignore her and hang up phones/leave places if you need to.
Tell her, If she wants babies in her life so much she’s more than welcome to have children herself. And don’t let her give you excuses as to why she can’t. There are many avenues she can go down, and you can walk her down every single one. I am 37f and we just started trying for kids, so I’m not much younger than her. No excuses if she truly wants kids.
Avenues to go down
Adoption, fostering, third world adoption, having her own children, surrogacy, etc. I would slowly leave pamphlets around her house until she gets the picture.
So you will need to get your husband involved with this but the next time either of you hear her talk about this? You both flood her phone with pictures of the animals you have. Look some up online if you have to. If she gets the same pictures of your animals 15 times in about 5minutes? Her problem. Keep doing it even if she is sitting in front of you. Send a message to your husband and he can send them to. If one of you reads the message a couple of hours later? Start sending anyway.
So full disclosure I have been known to be an ass at times.
You married a mommas boy basically.
He will never cross his mother and will deem any problem you have with his mother a WIFE AND MOTHER PROBLEM.
YOUR MAN NEED TO STEP UP AND DEFEND YOU. IF HE DOESN’T SHE WILL CONTROL YOUR MARRIAGE FOR EVER.
Post this on r/justnomil
Learn how to comfortably say “No.” It takes practice.
Make yourself clear. Never budge. Tell her to stop wishing for it; because it’s not going to happen.
As long as your husband is on your side, you’ll pull through fine.
If she gets fucking annoying about it, make it clear that she’s being fucking annoying about it and you do not appreciate it. Take it from there.
Whether or not she complies determines any further relationship. It’s all on her to act right.
Fellow infertile lady here, I’m sorry she’s being so very vile. Is there any way to make a fun game out of this? Like, when she starts in on you, say the same things to your husband. Complain that’s he’s not pregnant. Ask him why hes not doing IVF. When she expresses dismay at this, tell her he’s just as likely to get pregnant as you are, so the harassment should be spread around. Better yet, blame his inability to get pregnant on her bad genes. Might stop her bullshit, but at least might be fun!
Tell her to eff off. If hubby is on board then you’re golden. Talk to hubby, see if he’s willing to go LC if she keeps it up.
I read it as “MILF pressuring..”
Any time she mentions it, leave. Don’t say anything, don’t argue with her, just leave. Hang up the phone, leave the room, leave the house, whatever. Every time, without fail. If she mentions it, the conversation or visit is over. Either she’ll learn to stop, or you won’t have to talk to her. Win/win.
First you need to a frank conversation with her that it’s not happening, it’s never going to happen, she needs to stop bringing it up and if she does bring it up you won’t engage / there will be consequences. She needs to understand that even bringing it up is crossing your boundaries.
The key is you have to follow through, but the actual consequences depend on how insistent she is. You may have to remind her of your conversation a few times, if it keeps happening you may need to actually leave when she brings it up to get the point across.
I say “you” but your husband better be taking the lead in this. It’s his mom, she’s his responsibility, don’t let him skirt it.
To your husband: “Tell your mother that I don’t want children.”
To your MIL: if she hints at children, pretend you don’t get it. If she’s more direct, say “we already talked about this, our opinion hasn’t changed”. If she _really_ insists, say that you’re disappointed that she’s letting this sour your good relationship.
Yes, you may need to be a bit petty to shut this discussion down.
>I was just looking for advice so I could get my point across without this blowing up between them
Why is it _your_ concern to manage what happens between them? By that logic, he’d be afraid of saying “no” to his mother because it’d spoil things between you and her. _Let it blow up._ If your MIL is this persistent and can’t take “no” for an answer, let her pout and get upset. What are you afraid of, here?
Next time you get a new pet send her a adoption announcement. You could even do a baby shower, gender reveal, the whole thing. Even extend it to hosting birthday parties and bringing them to holidays so MIL can visit her beloved grand babies
Tell her to have more kids if she wants grandchildren because your not doing it!