I’ve read how important eye contact can be for social skills and confidence. I’ve been practicing what I’ve read and please tell me if I’m wrong, but what I learned was that when someone is talking to you you are suppose to make eye contact with them 80% of the time and look away 20% of the time. Or, if you are the one speaking you are suppose to make eye contact 20% of the time and look away 80% of time.
I’ve also read that you should make other people break eye contact first. Is any of this true?? I’ve been practicing it with people at work and it’s not awkward or anything except for when I’m talking with this one coworker in particular that I do it with, and no matter what she will absolutely never look away when we make eye contact and it is sooooo awkward. When I look away first I almost feel as if she won a staring contest. But I don’t want to seem weird by staring for to long.
Can someone please offer me some advice, because honestly, I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.
3 comments
For many things, eye contact, posture, projecting your voice, the goal is something relaxed. Yes you want to try to use more eye contact than less, but it should ultimately (maybe not right away) feel like an easy and relaxed thing to do. Rather than focusing on any percentages or rules, try to improve how much eye contact you’re making without thinking about it too much. If you know that you tend to shy away from people’s eyes then yea, make an effort to not do that as much. But don’t start counting seconds in your head or trying to time it or anything like that.
Hi OP,
Ahhh…that 80/20 (and 20/80) rule is interesting. I’ve never heard that, but that’s more or less exactly what I do. I like it–I feel like maintaining a lot of eye contact with a speaker shows engagement and interest, and I find that looking away a lot when I’m speaking allows me to better collect my thoughts.
TL/dr: Thanks for the FYI, and it works for me.
eye contact is incredibly important, but there’s no hard and fast rules for eye contact. don’t listen to all that 80/20 stuff as it just over complicates things. all it takes is this:
when they’re talking, give them your attention and make eye contact. (don’t stare directly into their soul however that would be very off putting them) just enough to let them know you’re listening and care about what they have to say, and every so often break eye contact and look a way for a few seconds. (too much eye contact is intimidating)
when you’re talking, it’s basically the same thing, look them in the eye during the important bits, whenever you pause or in between talking points look away for a bit, and then come back.
this will all come naturally after a few attempts, it really isn’t as hard it may seem. practice makes perfect and you’ll get there. good luck!
edit: forgot to add, don’t worry about who breaks eye contact first, that’s just some bs social psychology about asserting dominance and stuff over your peers etc. completely unnecessary for average day to day life, the best flow of eye contact happens naturally dont over think silly little rules such as this one.