I grew up and live in a household where my parents mostly yell at each other and react emotionally to the words they perceive as a slight or a mockery. It hasn’t been that long until I learned that they’ve been verbally and emotionally abusing each other…and also to me. I’ve never heard them say any kind words to each other or to anyone else. When we have conversations in the dining table my parents (and on occasions with my uncles and aunts) it’s always about how they’re successful/smarter/better/winner/the hero in a situation (my aunts and uncles are also guilty of this). If one-upmanship was a sport my entire family would be olympians.
I didn’t know that’s not normal or healthy until I’ve joined psychology interest groups online. Apart from that, my mother is hypercritical about me, my dad and everyone else because she thinks her way is much better. And my dad enjoys jokes in my and mom’s expense and he takes every chance he gets to badmouth my mom to anyone who knows her. I never liked the way they talked to each other and especially to me, so everyday is like a battle where I have to defend myself. When I make a choice for myself I have to mentally prep to their criticisms. And I always get emotional when they criticize me. And because I’m their child and I live with them, I’ve unconsciously inherited some of their bad habits.
I’ve been reflecting and… I hate myself for being always emotional and defensive when I talk, not just with my parents but also with other people. I hate that I take things personally even though, in retrospect, it wasn’t about me. I hate that I’ve become like my parents and I want to stop. I just want to be an emotionally healthy person. I know there’s something about me that must be fixed but I don’t know where to begin.
I’ve been trying not to react and talk like my parents but it’s difficult. How do I do something I’ve never been taught or seen daily? I really don’t want to be like my parents.
So here I am asking for some help on Reddit because it seems a lot healthier than my own home.
What is a healthy way to express yourself when you’re undermined/belittled/criticized/humiliated?
How does an emotionally healthy person communicate?
2 comments
Here’s some tips I’ve picked up on the way of learning healthy communication: Listen to the others w an open mind and try to understand their perspective. Repeat back what they have said to ensure that you understand them correctly. Instead of blaming or accusing others, use “I” statements to express how you feel. For example, “I feel upset when you talk to me that way” instead of “You always make me feel upset.” Avoid using words such as “never” or “always” as they can create a sense of conflict and defensiveness.
Hi OP,
I suspect you’re going to be getting a lot of advice on this, but first just let me say that you have already accomplished a huge part of your mission here. Recognizing toxic behavior is a big part of the battle, and looking to do better is just huge (IMO most people struggle with both of these).
And FWIW, your post comes off very well–I really don’t get any sense of the emotional and defensive “side” that you say you dislike in yourself. So even though it’s easier to do that here than in-person, I think you are already modeling a better self here, and that you already are able to do that in the right circumstances–so you know the way, and where to go.
After reading you post history, this is all the more impressive. Yay for you, and keep up the good work. More than with most folks seeking help on this sub, I have *no doubt* that you’re going to succeed.