Met a girl on Hinge. We chatted briefly, and then I got her number and we set up a date for Monday. On Monday we each have 2 glasses of wine and the date goes really well. I walked her back to her place, kissed her on her stoop, asked her when I could see her again, she said Thursday and I agreed. On Tuesday and Wednesday we have great chit chat over text, with her initiating the conversations a lot and us both being pretty responsive. We also confirm plans for Thursday.
The Thursday date was exceptionally good. We had great conversations and lots of chemistry. I drove her back to her place, and she was playing music in the car. When we got to hers, she told me to just keep driving around for a while so we could keep hanging out. I proceed to do 30 minutes of aimless driving around her neighborhood while she played music. She was holding my hand (she initiated) and we were kissing heavily at every stoplight until they turned green. Finally I drop her off, we have a kiss goodnight, and agree that we’ll get food next time.
The next day is Friday and I text her near the end of the work day and reference an inside joke from our first date. She’s responsive and we chat for a little while, maybe 15-20 minutes between messages. I told her I was going out with my friends, and she said she was going to have a solo night at home because she had a crazy week. The conversation tapers off as I’m getting ready to go out, with her sending the last message. Then a few hours later I’m out with friends and she texts me that she got convinced to go out. We continue talking about what we’re doing with our respective groups. Then she tells me she migrated to another bar (well known bar in our city with a good dance floor). About 5 minutes after she tells me this, and before I can respond, she texts again and just says “come”.
I go to the bar, buy us drinks, find her on the dance floor. Met her friends briefly, and then she and I proceed to dance and vibe and make out on the dance floor for like an hour. It was absolutely electric. I asked her if she wanted another drink and she said “No I’m pretty drunk. We (meaning she and her friends) are going to head home soon.” To me this is her saying this is a boundary, we’re not going home together tonight. And I’m totally cool with that and big on respecting boundaries and happy to move at whatever pace makes her comfortable. Plus she was a bit more drunk than is really ideal for having sex with a new partner for the first time anyway. She calls an uber and as she’s calling it she asks “Are we (as in her and her friends) dropping you off at yours?” which to me is clearly reiterating the same boundary. I said no I can get my own uber because we’re not exactly going the same direction. We continue dancing and kissing until her uber arrives. We have a goodbye kiss and we said we’d see each other soon. She and her friends start to walk out, and I head to the bathroom. When I get out of the bathroom, she and her friends are back in the bar. She holds up her phone with the uber app open, I think telling me that the first driver cancelled. So we dance and kiss a little more repeat the same goodbye, her uber arrives, and she walks out. But her friends stay in the bar. I didn’t keep track of her friends well enough to know if she left alone or with a friend. I call my own uber and head home.
The next day (Saturday) I text her around noon and just ask “how ya feelin?”. It’s now Monday and I haven’t heard anything back. I have just sat on it, no follow up message. So I’m really confused and probably over analyzing to the point where I can’t see anything for what it really is at this point. Here are a few possibilities:
1. She had a completely random 180 on how she feels in the 12 hours between midnight and noon (it happens)
2. I misread the signals and she wanted to leave the bar with me and she feels like I denied her
3. She feels like she might have embarrassed herself while she was drunk at the bar, and maybe felt like my “how ya feelin?” was pointing out that she was really drunk or something and so I basically reinforced her hangxiety. (IMO she was drunk by not destroyed. She wasn’t slurring her speech or stumbling over or anything, but maybe she was drunker than I thought)
4. She just had a really busy weekend and didn’t have the bandwidth to have a conversation and everything is good from her perspective.
5. We saw each other 3 times within 5 days of meeting, and she wants to slow it down.
6. Anything else?
It’s possible I made a mistake and I just can’t see it. I have asked many IRL female friends and they are all reading it the same as me, and saying they don’t think I made a mistake and that it’s weird she hasn’t responded, even if it was just to send a rejection text.
Please help me decode this situation. Based on the consensus from talking with my IRL female friends, the plan is to just text her mid-week and tell her I had a really good time dancing with her and that I’d like to take her out for dinner on X day and I can make reservations.
I completely understand it’s possible she just had a change of heart because of personal stuff in the background or for no reason at all, and that we won’t be hanging out again. I’m just confused because any time things have gotten to this point with a girl and it has ended, she has sent a friendly rejection text whereas this is just a non-response that you’d expect if you didn’t hit it off on a first date.
7 comments
I think she wanted you to go home with her. She’s embarrassed. Just my gut.
It all just sounds to me like you both went too fast, and now it looks like you’re out. So I’d say you made a lot of mistakes in not pumping the brakes here. You went from complete strangers to seeing each other every other day and talking everyday. And it’s hard to say she’s done a 180 because you didn’t really know her to begin with.
I was cringing quite a bit during your story. I recommend re-reading what you wrote and tell me who is leading the dating between you and her… No offense man, but you came off like an obedient puppy with most of your actions.
You also are spending way too much time giving this random woman you just met way too much attention. I bet that she’s thinking, “He just asked me how I’m feeling… I dunno… this is going way too damn fast and I’m sure that if we have sex, he’s the kind of guy that will fall in love with me quickly.”
> I have asked many IRL female friends and they are all reading it the same as me, and saying they don’t think I made a mistake and that it’s weird she hasn’t responded, even if it was just to send a rejection text.
Trust me when I say this… do not ask women for dating / relationship advice. You will either get that kind of advice where they think you did everything right (which you didn’t) or they will offer you advice that will benefit the woman. Women will always support each other so they will not actually tell you the actual truth on what you are doing wrong.
> Based on the consensus from talking with my IRL female friends, the plan is to just text her mid-week and tell her I had a really good time dancing with her and that I’d like to take her out for dinner on X day and I can make reservations.
Bad advice from the ladies. Do not reach out to her. You hit the ball towards her, she needs to hit back. You specifically asked her how she’s doing. She ignored you. You need to give her space and live YOUR life, while you wait.
Let’s just assume that she’s been incredibly busy but if she doesn’t hit you back up in the next 24 hours, she’s not interested.
The issue with inviting her out to dinner is that you are rewarding disrespectful behavior that you are choosing to ignore. Wouldn’t surprise me one bit that she’s expecting you to be a puppy and reach back out to her after she blatantly ignored you.
If the bar scene went as you said it did, then you are good, it’s either 2 or 5 on your possibilities list, give it a couple more days and follow it up with another text but I think you might be overthinking this one.
Sigh. It’s definitely #2, dude. You likely even could have gone home with her the night you were aimlessly driving around and making out at every stoplight. Which would’ve felt silly to me after the 2nd stoplight. And I definitely agree that would’ve been a better first time than when too much alcohol was involved. But nonetheless she give you many chances that night out too. The times a woman directly said “I want to come home with you” are fairly rare, especially the first time out. Instead, women communicate these things covertly so you need to keep your ears to the ground, rather than taking everything so literally. And the reason why she nopes out after that is because of the remorse she feels, for getting too drunk, and for putting herself out there (from her perspective), only for you not to match that energy.
She probably slept with someone else and is feeling weird about it
I don’t think you passed her test. I’m sorry to say that.