so i’ve been dating this girl for a little and we’re figuring eachother out in terms of sex. i like to be quite rough and she seems to enjoy that a lot.
just the other night we were texting over the phone a little and teasong eachother where i asked if she can handle more rough. she said yes because she feels i haven’t been rough with her at all.
this got to me really badly because i have been trying to be the roughest i can possibly be, going absolutely wild in bed and completely tiring myself out and to her this is apparently not rough at all to her.
what exactly can i do to be more rough?
6 comments
Ask her what kinds of things she’s into and to what extent, and then talk about safety. Otherwise you can have a thousand ideas from a thousand people and they’ll just be a thousand ways to still not do what she wants.
It’s very important to speak with her about this. Maybe watch rough sex on porn to gauge what she thinks it rough.
Some people want to be held down, others restrained, others hit-crop flogger spanked.
Thrusting in harder and fast isn’t always considered rough.
Best way to be on the same page is to have an open discussion.
Learn to be a DOM daddy period. Get a book bro.
Its a bit difficult or Reddt to give you a tutorial in being rougher when its hard for us to gauge the extent of what you currently do. But I will say greater roughness usually just comes from increased force, greater impacts, tighter grips, sometimes more frantic movement…
It is worth noting, there is a bit of a cap on how rough you can safely be without causing some degree of injury, and sometimes people want to go past that cap. This is usually because the brain is flooded with endorphins during enjoyable sex, so much so that pain stops “hurting” in the typical sense, and starts adding to the intense stimulation instead. Endorphins are literally nicknamed “the brain’s natural painkillers”. This is one big reason why you have so many people in BDSM who enjoy pain in an erotic setting. It also contributes to people feeling like higher and higher degrees of roughness feel good as sex gets better and better. If you’ve got enough endorphins, pain just feels like “more stimulation”.
As one example, I like to pull my girlfriend’s arms backwards pretty hard in certain positions (something she loves) and one time she told me after sex that I could pull a little harder. I told her I don’t think she can feel how hard I’m pulling in the heat of the moment, because pulling much more could enter shoulder dislocation territory (I know this pretty well). I asked her to let me demonstrate what Im really doing to her in that position while we WEREN’T actively having sex, and she obliged. Sure enough, she basically said “oh wow yeah, this position hurts now!”. We had a laugh about it and agreed to not go any rougher with that one.
The point is, sometimes no amount of rough is “enough” until you’re getting into real injuries. Unsurprisingly, some people are even into that. If you think you’re being pretty rough, you may want to tread carefully about going much further. You might be instinctively avoiding injury-risking roughness. Talk to her and ask what she wants out of the roughness. Does she just want it more intense? Is she worried about bruises/scratches/etc from some really rough handling? If you both decide to push further and rougher, establish a safeword she can use to stop you at any time. And for the love if God, BE CAREFUL. Raise the bar slowly. People get REALLY hurt in ambitious pursuits of increasing roughness suddenly. Make sure you’re staying ultimately in control of your body, gain familiarity progressively with things you want to do. Don’t break a limb… or even just plain elbow her in the face. It’s not fun. And if choking is involved here please research the dangers and understand the risks, it’s a big cause of freak fatalities.
BDSM rough? Or muscle rough? Rough in my opinion is fully tied up, ballgag and anal hook while being pounded hard.
My boyfriend did this thing where he put his hand on my neck but only the front side. I liked it because it allowed me to control the location and pressure. Ask first, obviously with choking you ask. But there are lots of little ways you can bring in roughness, then ask if she wants it harder, etc. You could also ask in the moment, “what do you want me to do to you next?” She might be less inhibited while turned on, plus dirty talk can be sexy.