So my boyfriend(24M) and I (24F) have been together for nearly 3 years now. For the first couple years of dating, we had a really great sex life. So much so that we’d finish and I’d literally think to myself “wow I’m lucky, we have a great sex life”. I’m talking sexy lingerie/costumes, cuffs, toys, sometimes he’d wake me up with sex etc(I love that shit). We’ve got a whole box of fun stuff we used to use at least weekly.
I don’t know when or how it happened, maybe over the last 6-12 months or so, but we’ve slowly fallen out of that bliss.. He used to initiate nearly every night and I would 99.9% of the time respond positively and we’d have a great time. But lately, he’s been initiating less and less, to almost not at all, to the point where it’s making me feel very undesirable.. When this first started, I tried initiating lots, but every time I’d get shut down, it felt like a knife to my confidence and it discourages me further to ask in the future. “I’m too tired” is always what he says.. So I’ve since stopped(not entirely, but far less frequently), because I’d rather just not have sex than be rejected and have to sit and wonder what I’m doing wrong..
I know it’s not entirely me. We have tried talking about this and he simply says “I don’t know why I’m feeling this way lately”(low dive), and there is no real attempt at a solution. His behaviour otherwise is totally normal.. He frequently calls me cute/pretty/beautiful etc. He grabs my ass, holds me & kisses me randomly. He’s still very affectionate outside of the bedroom, so I just don’t get it..
What bothers me most is that when he finally does feel like having sex(probably once every 2-3 weeks)I get so excited and into it, and then he just finishes(quite quickly, probably because we rarely have sex anymore) and he immediately cleans up & goes to bed…and I’m just there like, me next, or ? It’s like he knows what I want, but doesn’t want to put the effort in so he just avoids eye contact while he cleans himself up and gets back into bed making a bunch of ‘tired’ noises.
I will admit that I am not the easiest to get to finish..I can’t finish with penetration unless I am extremely worked up, so part of me wonders if he just doesn’t want to put that effort in, and that he ‘shouldn’t have to’ since he’s so easy compared to me. I am very understanding about that and frequently just try to feel happy that I at least got sex…but honestly it’s getting to a point where he gets to finish 10/10 times where as I’m closer to 1/10 times, if that. It just makes me feel like I’m too much work, and not worth it for him..
The last time he tried to make me finish, he couldn’t. He tried for maybe 20 minutes then started rubbing his jaw, telling me he was tired, and I felt bad so I was like it’s fine. But like, I can’t remember the last time he made me finish…and maybe if he had more practice he wouldn’t have such a hard time.. He never ever had a hard time before.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel shitty when I initiate and nothing happens, but I’m a high-drive person and it’s driving me crazy not being able to sleep with my own boyfriend when I want to. Sometimes he’ll be basically asleep while I’m on my phone in bed then suddenly grope me or rub up against me and I get excited thinking he’s tryna initiate, then he just rolls over and starts snoring..it’s such a tease. But I guess he really is doing it in his sleep, so I can’t be mad..but damn.
I also just don’t understand how he can go so long without it…like is he not having sex with me but jerking off when I’m not home? I feel kind of hurt if this is his new preference, and I’m scared I just don’t turn him on enough anymore..parts of me have even worried about cheating but I know this man loves the shit outta me so I feel terrible letting those thoughts in..I just don’t know what to think, or what to do. I never knew lack of sex could make me feel so horrible, insecure, undesirable..
I feel embarrassed even writing this..I hope someone can offer some helpful advice, maybe then it will be worth it.
5 comments
my bf also finishes quickly, so he is always sure that i come first before we move to piv where he’s guaranteed to come fast lol. are you able to finish from anything over than piv, that doesn’t make him finish?
His passion could be gone due to the depression resulting in not being able to make you finish. He could be insecure and feel undesirable too. He may need reassurance that you can finish with a toy or something and he doesn’t have to worry about it. You could also look up techniques that’ll make sex better. Like positions, kegels for both people, foreplay, starting bedroom time earlier so he’s not tired might help too.
Get the book Mating in Captivity and read it together. After that, couples therapy. You can’t just leave the issue on the table. It won’t get better on its own.
There’s clearly some expectations that have changed or something he’s not communicating to you. Sometimes people start having a conversation all alone in their head which changes their behaviour, and then their spouse is all confused like “what’s going on???”. You both need to share those private conversations you’re having.
There is a thing called new relationship energy. It’s that phase in a new relationship where you just can’t get enough of each other. It inevitably fades. For people with a high libido, they will still want sex relatively often. People with naturally low libido, in the absence of new relationship energy, will not want sex nearly as much. This could be the case.
It could be a hormone or other medical issue he could get checked by his doctor.
I t could be something psychological.
Unfortunately, this often doesn’t resolve on its own and it causes a lot of suffering in relationships where libidos are mismatched.
As a man, I say cut him off and close up shop for a bit. Take care of yourself, if you know what I mean. If he doesn’t come around, it wasn’t meant to be and you need to take a hard look at the situation and move on. Love and affection shouldn’t be hard work. If it is, it’s not meant to be