Hi,
Recently I (16M) got a job a our local grocery store. I’ve been working their for quite some time now, and have been saving up money. Apparently (according to my dad), whenever my brother and sisters got their first job, they took my parents to a restaurant, and he was expecting me to do the same. A few days ago, he brought this up to me and asked me why I haven’t taken him and my mom to a restaurant yet. I told him that I just didn’t think to take them and in response he called me selfish and said that I’m “treating him like a stepfather”, which I don’t understand how. I feel that I always do stuff to show my dad appreciation, and this one time that I don’t, I’m apparently a selfish kid who doesn’t care for his dad.
I’m a very introverted person. I don’t usually like to indulge in conversation and I have been this way every since I was a little kid. Growing up, I never really talked to my dad a lot, But we did spend time together doing things like watching movies. On the contrary, I tend to talk to my mom a bit more than I do my dad, and it’s something that he has made a fuss about in the past. My parents also got into a big argument a few months ago, to the point where my dad asked me to choose him or my mom essentially. I chose to stay with my mom as she has quite a bit health complications and I didn’t want to leave her alone, something else he has also made a fuss about in the past.
With my dad, it feels like you have to walk on eggshells around him. One minute he’s happy, and the next he’s beating you because you called his name and simply said nevermind (this actually happened to me). He can also be quite verbally abusive at times, something I’ve grown immune to. This has significantly impaired our relationship and I have made a note to myself that I will only be there for my dad but not go as far as to create strong emotional bonds with him, as I’m afraid that I will only get hurt in the end and it will further damage our relationship. I guess this is probably why he feels this way?
What do you guys think? How can I make my dad stop feeling this way? I love my dad, even after all the physical and mental pain he made me endure. It was never my mission to make him feel lesser, but that’s the way he feels now.
Tl;dr My dad recently said I treat him like a stepfather recently, as in response to me not taking him to a restaurant yet. I assume hes felt this way for quite some time. How can I make my dad stop feeling like I’m treating him like a step-dad?
7 comments
It’s not your responsibility to help an adult regulate their emotions- especially in this situation where he sounds clinically disregulated.
Stop trying to appease him, he is definitely abusive
You can’t make anyone feel a different way. Your walking on eggshells feeling means your dad has issues that aren’t caused by you, they’re part of who he is. You didn’t do anything wrong, he’s just entitled and pushy.
And FWIW I was really close with my stepfather, that’s a ridiculous thing to say. He’s just guilting you out due to his issues. He is physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. And that’s a hard thing to deal with as a minor when it’s your parent.
It’s not your job to manage your father’s emotions for him.
This accusation is part of his verbal abuse.
Your relationship is distant for understandable reasons, and he’s not going to change his own behaviour. So, you’re gonna keep on being distant. He’s an unhealthy abuser who is using your healthy and normal human empathy against you.
Continue to minimize your contact with him. You may want to Google “Grey Rocking” which is a bit of an extreme tactic for dealing with narcissists, but might help you think about the ways you can react to minimize his opportunities to abuse you further.
OP, your dad is immature and abusive. You can’t do anything to fix his behaviour or his feelings and you will only run yourself ragged if you try. There will always be some slight, always be some insult you made. That’s who he is.
Bro he should be taking YOU to dinner to celebrate getting your first job. Not making you use whatever small amount of money you have on feeding his bum ass.
Save your money OP, and keep doing what you are doing. Your Dad’s issues are not your issues.
I’m sorry that your dad sucks. I have kids and would never think of treating them that way. Just do what you can to get through the next couple of years before you leave home. Life gets better, I promise.