I know this is for adult relationships but I really don’t know where else to go and seeing the helpful comments on the posts really makes me hopeful.
We’ve been dating for over 10 months now and we’re each others firsts. It’s been a long journey but we’ve had several setbacks. First of all we’ve had problems with being too different: she’s a really big pessimist and I’m a optimist. She hates affection but I love it. She doesn’t like spending as much time together and values her space but I want to spend every waking moment with her. She hates talking when we have issues but I value communicating. As expected these caused issues along the road. We’ve compromised and talked over these but she has a habit of giving the silent treatment so it was painful overall. I try to show less affection and stay away so we would be happier.
We’ve been going through another rough patch these past few weeks, and I really don’t know what to do anymore. She’s very confusing and said she lost all her feelings for me and said a lot of hurtful things but I’m pretty dumb and a hopelessly optimistic so I just tell her it’ll be alright and try to fix things. She would eventually say she still loves me and we’ll be okay.. for a few days of week if we’re lucky. I think this is definitely a problem on my part but I don’t get it. She would be affectionate and act like how she usually does and we’ll be happy in those days but then it’ll all start again. We just took a break but we got back together after she said we’re definitely not just friends.
Today we got into another argument. She keeps saying how she needs a sugar daddy so she can get all the stuff she wants. I told her at least 8 months ago that I really don’t feel comfortable with her saying that. I don’t know why because a lot of people don’t care but I just really hate it and it makes me feel so hurt. I don’t want her saying it even as a joke and she promised not to. But now she just said it again and acted like it was nothing. I told her to stop it but then she said I’m trying to I start shit. I called her out for gaslighting and she gets mad and continues to insult me and said I’m too sensitive and how other boyfriends don’t get offended or hurt. She continues and eventually says that she offered to breakup and I didn’t take it so it’s all on me.
I think maybe we should really breakup because of how toxic it is but the thing is I really love her and I’m scared of life without her. I don’t know if I’ll find another and I’m scared because I’ve never dated or had a breakup it just feels like I’m going off into the unknown. And I still feel like this can be fixed I just wish she would try too. I don’t want to keep suffering but I would feel guilt and regret for ending it. If she ended it maybe I would feel better because I won’t have any regrets after doing my best and not giving up but she always makes the threat to but never does it. I’m so scared. We just have too much issues to even put in this text and I think it’s really bad. I don’t know what I’d do without her though and I don’t want to live the rest of my life with that regret. I know she won’t care at all but if I do it, it would absolutely crush me.
I still have sm to say I just don’t know how to express it and I’m hurting so much. I’ve told my friends but they’ve told me I’m crazy for staying and they won’t even talk to me anymore ever since the last time I didn’t take their feedback.
TL;DR: Should I [17M] break up with my [17F] girlfriend of 10 months and how should I approach it. If I do, how should I deal with the guilt. If I shouldn’t, how can I fix our relationship?
4 comments
You two aren’t compatible. End it. Most relationships are better than this. You are keeping yourself from having an opportunity to find a good relationship by staying in a really bad one.
Breaking up doesn’t have to be a long scripted thing. Meet up, or call, whichever feels safer/right to you… “(Name), we aren’t working out. This relationship is over. Thank you for the time we had together.”
And then you leave. She may try to guilt you. She may freak out. She may try to convince you to stay with her. She may be cold and quiet. However she reacts, you still leave.
>I don’t know if I’ll find another and I’m scared because I’ve never dated or had a breakup it just feels like I’m going off into the unknown
There will be another. She (or he or they, whatever kinda person you like) may not come around immediately, but it’ll happen. I know it’s hard to take this kind of leap of faith when you have no prior experience.
Take it from someone who thought the world was over when my first love broke my heart at 16. He was everything to me at the time, or that’s how I felt anyway. That was about 20 years and many partners ago! He will always be my first love, but by no means was he my last. She won’t be your last.
>I don’t want to live the rest of my life with that regret
You definitely won’t feel this regret for life. You are likely to feel pangs of regret over the coming months. Breakups are fucking hard, even if we *know* they’re the right option. Even if we know the person we were dating was treating us bad… it still hurts to let go.
>how should I deal with the guilt
Remind yourself, as often as needed, that you are not obligated to stay in any romantic relationship. Breaking up doesn’t require a justification… and if it did, you have a perfectly good reason: Clearly you don’t feel respected or safe with this girl. You have told her how she can make you feel respected and safe. She would rather blame you for everything.
If you can go see a counsellor at school, give it a try. I personally didn’t have very good counsellors at my HS but you might have better luck and get some really solid support from an adult who cares about your well-being.
I’m so sorry your first relationship has resulted in so much heartbreak. Not all relationships are like this. They don’t have to be like this, and they shouldn’t be. You can find someone who will respect you… who you can respect… who you can be happy and safe with. Wishing you all the best.
Just end it. “Sorry but this isn’t working. Good luck in life.” Then block, forget, move on. This will happen with this relationship so why waste life?
Have some self respect and end it.